i wish i had a river i could skate away on

Dear Soulmate,

Sometimes I feel like Joni Mitchell’s “River” says all there needs to be said about winter. I’m watching the snow twirl around outside my bedroom window and feeling so homesick for summer, a time when the world was alive and in bloom. Now, all is quiet, silenced under the weight of freshly fallen snow that buries the tracks of summers barefoot steps.

On gray days like these in Boston, I feel like Joni Mitchell when I say that I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

I close my eyes and remember little moments, little memories of love. I remember the way his hands felt in mine, how they fit so beautifully as through they were made for each other. I remember the way he introduced me by my full name to his father. I blushed and smiled.

I remember the way we painted his mother’s shed. I stood in his clothes covered with splotches of white paint on my tanned bare arms and legs. I laughed as we drove to the lake in the afternoon heat. I watched him dive headfirst from the rocky cliff into the water below. I stood in my bathing suit with my hands on my hips, hesitant about jumping into water whose depth seemed uncertain. Still, I dove in anyway, testing the waters. When I surfaced we both laughed and he pulled me toward him under the water.

When I write, he comes back to me. Little moments like these held in time. It’s all I can ask for on days like these when I only wish I had a river I could skate away on… and be brought back to you.

Love Love, R

songs from a love gone by

Dear Soulmate,

It takes a great deal of poise to navigate the waters of heartbreak with grace. It takes a lot of courage to dare to choose the high road over one paved with bitterness and regret. It takes a lot of growing, learning, leaping and hoping to believe that something beautiful is waiting up ahead.

There was a moment today where I caught myself falling in and out of love with old memories. As I walked to work this morning a song came on the radio… the song–the one I used to sing and dance to once upon a time. It was hauntingly beautiful to hear it again.

Most people have certain songs that bring them back to different places in their lives. But after you lose a friend or a lover, some songs can become emotional landmines, leaving you to quickly change the station for fear of remembering what that love felt like.

I used to hide from this particular song. I deleted it from my iPod, even checked it out of iTunes because I couldn’t bear to see it top the list of “Most Played.”

But today I made a point just to listen to it. Instead of changing the station, I relished the melody just like I used to. And when the song ended, as it always does, I realized that it did not resurface all the old feelings of hurt and loss but rather the simple notion that what I felt was real, and more beautiful than any song.

Love Love, R

p.s. a new “your soulmate, your letter” is up! be sure to check it out

p.p.s. ever had a particular song bring you back to someone? what’s “your” song?

you make me smile

Dear Soulmate,

“Smile” by Uncle Kracker is our theme song. I fell in love with it today when it came on the radio as I was driving through Boston in the rain. And the first thing that came to mind upon hearing it was you.

I am overwhelmed with happiness today… and I think it’s all because I’ve learned to accept the things that I cannot change. I’ve learned how to weather the storms, and I completely and wholeheartedly believe that I will fall in love again.

Someday I am going to have to remember to thank that guy who let me go. He’s leading me to you.

Love always, R

an apology in advance

Dear Soulmate,

I never give up on anyone or anything I believe in. I am not giving up on you.

While I am content to reside in the mystery of who you are, I have received many e-mail inquiries as to who I am. As I have mentioned to you before, everything you need to know about me you will learn upon first glance.

But the other things you will learn will take time, and that is simply because love takes time. Things like my infatuation with reading song lyrics, my habitual routine of always making the bed in the morning, my belief that the sun and sea cures everything, and contrary to how many women feel, I don’t mind what the humidity does to my hair.

I am not easy, and I apologize in advance for that. When we fight, please know that I love you. When I walk away, please know that I am here for you. When I tell you I have doubts that we will work out, please know that I am lying to you- and when I start to cry because of how ashamed I am of that please forgive me.

Just know that I have never given up on you, and even if we never meet, I will have at least succeeded in the belief that you are somewhere out there.

Love, R

kicking through the autumn leaves

Dear Soulmate,

In one of my favorite songs, “Babylon,” David Gray sings, “I’m kicking through the autumn leaves and wondering where it is you might be going to.” This is essentially my soundtrack for today.

I wonder, if you were to compile a track list of 20 songs that would make up the soundtrack to your life, which ones would you choose?

I often feel that music reveals so much about the personality of the listener. It is, I suppose, a language of its own.

But then there is that equally enchanting language that only silence can articulate. It is in the absence of words and music that let me know you need me; when you are in the midst of reading a great novel and you pause to look up for a moment to notice me, when you are buttoning your shirt in the morning in between taking sips of coffee and you smile affectionately at me, when you’re driving and cannot wait for a red light to lean over toward me and steal a kiss.

The soundtrack of our love will be even more beautiful than kicking through the autumn leaves. I imagine it will be as pure of sound as that of falling snow on rolling meadows under the full moonlight. It will be like watching fireworks without the noise. It will be like you and me dancing together in the living room only to the sound of our laughter.

So, if you want to know my favorite song, I will simply tell you that it has not yet been released. But from what I hear, it is destined to become a number one hit.

Love, R