“i hope he’s a really good guy”

Dear Soulmate,

“I hope he’s a really good guy.”

That’s what he wrote to me last week after learning over e-mail that I found someone new. That’s what he wrote from New Zealand to New York.

I sat at my computer, watched the rain fall outside my apartment window, hoping that he would say more than that.

And is he a good guy?

Yes. But this morning he lied about something and the trust between us wavered. I turned over in bed, putting my back to him. He tried to kiss me. He tried to make up for his mistake. He tried to apologize.

Somehow though, his apologies went unanswered, echoing down the long hallway of regret.

We had a cup of coffee and walked to the subway.

I didn’t have much to say this morning. I’m tired and disappointed. I want more than ever to send an e-mail to New Zealand from New York, saying you are the one who has me so completely. You are the one who has me thinking of you on this cold, rainy sidewalk on 7th Avenue, looking into the eyes of someone I do not feel as strongly for.

But I won’t send an e-mail, maybe just this post out into the void, hoping that someone somewhere will believe in love amidst all this noise.

I walked back to my apartment, climbed the stairs to my door. I feel alone again, halfway around the world from love.

Love Love, R

looking for the one

Dear Soulmate,

If you found “the One” would you keep looking?

This is the question I’m forced to ask myself as I drift from day to day, thinking about that guy from this summer who felt like the better half of me.

He fit. He fit in my life–in the way few people can; in the past, present and future. I felt at home in his arms and in his eyes. If I got lost or my thoughts ran astray he pulled me back again and reminded me who I am, who I want to be.

It’s scary though. There are always risks involved with love. But this isn’t just any kind of love. It’s a breathtakingly honest kind of love that purifies even the most doubtful, unbelieving heart.

I want him here with me, even though he’s more than half a world away and I haven’t heard from him in months.

I don’t want to keep looking for what I’ve already found…

Love Love, R

am i crazy?

Dear Soulmate,

It’s cold here in Boston now. The streets are blanketed with snow that finally fell after swirling around on the backs of frigid gusts that have finally quieted.

Christmas has passed now, without any word from someone half way around the world who meant everything to me for ten beautiful days this summer. I still can’t stop thinking about him.

Should I feel hurt? Should I feel neglected that the holidays passed without hearing from him? Or should I just accept that he left and we’ve fallen out of touch.

I miss him. I remember how he told me that I gave him something to come back to. Now I’m not sure he’ll ever come back from New Zealand. I want to cry. I want to crawl into my bed and forget I met someone so wonderful who was so good to me, for such a short time. I want to start over.

My parents and friends are surprised that I haven’t spoken to him in months. I’ve defended him and said that he’s difficult to get in touch as he’s been traveling. He doesn’t have very much Internet access, and he doesn’t have a phone.

But in the quiet moments I keep to myself, I wonder if I’m crazy for giving him so much slack. They say if you love someone that you should let them go. But if this is all I do–all I’ve ever done–will I ever find love that really lasts?

…Something to think about.

Love, I suppose, R

if you’re in new york…

Dear Soulmate,

I’m writing to you from a New York bound train where I’m comforted by the movement and passing scenery. Am I the only who feels like anything is possible and within reach on a train to New York?

They say that you go to New York with a dream. Well, mine is nothing shiny and larger than life, yet it still feels out of reach. And, ironically, my dream is not one of love, but of passion instead.

I only wish to follow my heart in such a way that it benefits others as well as myself. I have expectations–great expectations–for myself. The challenge will be living up to them.

I know the city lights of New York will pose a temporary distraction from loneliness, but after living in cities like Boston and Dublin, I know that city life breeds loneliness if you let it. The abrasive edges of a city skyline are cold and foreboding. The shuffling of strangers on sidewalks can remind you that you are more alone than you thought you were.

But I’m not taking loneliness to New York, though I doubt that it won’t find me at some point. The struggle is keeping positive, and knowing that no matter how greatly you’ve loved in the past, there’s still more to give.

If you’re in New York now, or are on your way, keep an open heart. You never know what will find you… or who you’ll meet.

Love Love, R

christmas lights

Dear Soulmate,

These days I see people hanging lights up on trees lining busy sidewalks, or on wreaths outside front doors, and sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one who wishes they were taking them down and putting them away.

Although Boston sparkles in the fading daylight with its ornately decorated trees, all I see is the glimmer and glamour of the kind of magic that can’t last.

I remember the way he held me last summer and the words he said as I stood in his driveway crying before I drove back down to Boston. He said New York would work, and that I’d be great there. Now, nearly four months later, I’m not so sure. I told him to try to keep in touch from South America and New Zealand, although I’m learning now how wrong I was in my assumption that he would.

So now I’m going down to New York again this weekend, but will be shifting my apartment search into sixth gear. I won’t be returning to Boston until I’ve signed a lease.

I realize though, that nothing lasts. Every year I find myself searching Christmas lights for the kind of warmth that held me from season’s passed. But I know now that months pass, years go by, and lights get put up as quickly as they get taken down.

So now, I’m going to go where the lights are always shining, and I can lose myself in the belief that everything is wonderful and bright, as it should be this time of year.

Love Love, R

would you speak up?

Dear Soulmate,

I didn’t sleep last night. I stayed up tossing and turning in my sleep, wondering if temporarily falling into a dream would be enough to ease the nightmare of the day’s events.

In the light of the full moon that fell across my bedroom floor, I began to recall the line of yesterday’s e-mail when he said he could stay in New Zealand indefinitely.

Wasn’t I enough to make him come home? If not him, then who? How much more of a connection can you have with someone? We were on top of the world together last summer.  But with so much time and distance working against us, will I be just another chapter in his story?

I prepared myself for potentially going years without seeing him, months without being in contact, but how do you prepare yourself for when someone you are so madly in love with tells you they might never come back.

If you’ve been following this blog over the years then you know I’ve learned a ton about love, especially in these past two years. I thought I was strong and capable enough to fall in love again and endure any consequence that may result from doing so. But now I feel like I’m right back at square one, devastated at the thought of losing someone I was sure was the one for me.

So now I’m soliciting you, dear reader, for advice. What would you do if you were in my shoes? Would you speak up?

Love Love, R

i loved you.

Dear Soulmate,

I loved him. I loved him from the moment I saw him. I still recall the way the weight of the summer air hung around us, trapping the twilight long enough for us to call it ours. For a few rare moments, the world seemed to stop spinning.

Where is he now? Where did he go? Why did he leave?

I just learned recently that he is considering staying in New Zealand indefinitely. I’ve always felt that New Zealand would be a terrific escape from the hustle and bustle of everyday life in the States. Lately I’ve been all over trying to find that one place where I feel at home.

When the wheels touched down in Denver last week, I wanted to feel a sense of relief as though I had finally arrived in a place where I belong. Last weekend I touched down in San Francisco… with no sense of belonging, nor urge to return.

I’m back in Boston now, finally realizing that home is wherever love is. I’m at a loss for words because I’m in love with someone who might never come back to me… for no other reason than I was not enough to make him stay.

Love Love, R

the truth about men.

Dear Soulmate,

Maybe it takes a new relationship to make you realize how much you’ve changed in your beliefs about love and all its entanglements. Maybe it’s just growing up and maturing, understanding that it’s not all about the happy ever after but rather just taking each moment as it comes.

Somehow though, I have adopted the worst possible attitude that I always despised in former loves–the out-of-sight-out-of-mind view.

Love knows no distance. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. We’ve all heard those expressions time and time again. Still, it does not necessarily make them true.

Past experiences in heartbreak have taught me not to hold onto anything and to simply let things go.

When I was asked by my grandmother today whether I still had feelings for someone who left to go travel a few months back, I simply said, “not anymore.” It was the first time I acknowledged this out loud. Then I slumped in my chair in disappointment–both about what I had just said and because I felt like I was turning into someone I never wanted to become.

My grandmother finally said, “Well I guess you are finally learning you cannot control men.”

The truth is that I never intended to… I only hung my hopes on the stars that I would be enough to make someone stay.

Love Love, R

p.s. my grandparents celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary tomorrow… my grandmother told me that my grandfather is still very much the love of her life.

never been here

Dear Soulmate,

I’m in a place I’ve never been before. Love is one of those bizarrely gray areas that is never entirely black or white.

I am suddenly torn between meeting someone I fell absolutely in love with instantly–even if only for a few weeks in the summer–and missing someone from long ago.

The reality is that this person from the summer is traveling now. He’s in New Zealand and doesn’t quite keep up with modern-day means of communication… e-mails are few and far in between.

So I’ve gone back and forth, between wanting to be with him and going back to who I was before–the girl who only dreamt of someone like him. I never quite imagined though that someone like him would leave. I suppose now I’m looking for someone who will simply stay.

Is that asking so much?

It’s hard too because I am reminded of the times I’ve been let down before… That familiar feeling of being left behind comes back to me every now and then–just enough to make me feel heartbroken all over again.

Love Love, R

p.s. i love reading your letters, dear readers… they’re lovely and they make my day. i will continue to post and share them here on the site soon! love always.

“because if a guy wants to be with you…”

Dear Soulmate,

If you’re in your early twenties then you already know that it is a roller-coaster.

Tonight I went out for drinks with an old friend. Over a glass of pinot noir I divulged my latest plans, my reasons for not wanted to settle in New York City and a little about a man who lives half a world away yet somehow managed to take a part of my heart with him.

As I sit here and I write, I am reminded of how discouraged I felt upon coming home and replaying our conversation in my head. He said that New York, where he lives and works, was the place for me. He asked me if I was going to Denver, or “running” to Denver… asking if I was escaping people or memories I would otherwise confront by staying on the east coast.

The truth is that I’ve always wanted to head out West. Why not now? Why not in my early twenties when nothing is settled and it seems to make perfect sense?

And then it occurred to me, as I stood in the doorway brushing my teeth and over analyzing every small detail of our conversation, why do I care what someone else thinks?

As much as I love him as a friend for his company and conversation, how far can one go in letting someone else dictate their own life for them?

I turned out the light and headed to my bedroom where I couldn’t help but open my laptop and write to you, dear Soulmate. Because, what really bothers me most about tonight, was what he said about the person who chose to leave me and go travel…

As our conversation ended he told me, “He doesn’t deserve you–this guy who is out traveling. Because if a guy wants to be with you then he will make the effort, no matter the circumstance, to be with you…”

That last sentence was exactly what my dad said to me about the guy who first broke my heart and, after doing so, left me feeling alone enough to write to someone who may or may not exist–a soulmate, perhaps.

Love Love, R

 

hypothetical

Dear Soulmate,

I’m sitting here, outside Boston now, musing over the past few weeks. I’ve been to New York and D.C, visiting friends and meeting new people. Still, it’s hard to forget those last few weeks of summer… and I keep going back to that hypothetical question: what if?

What if you met someone you instantly connected with and after only knowing them for ten days they board a plane and fly to the furthest point possible–not even in the same hemisphere–and promise to stay in touch.

When I wrote my last blog post here, I received a comment in regards to modern communication and how it detracts from that old fashioned kind of long-distance love. But seeing as this mystery man (the time traveler, as I’ve begun to call him), has limited e-mail access and neither texts nor calls, I can’t help but feel like he doesn’t exist.

As the days pass and the air gets colder, it becomes easier for me to lose sight of the magic that once was us. Is it perhaps because it’s been that long–out of sight out of mind? Or is it because people around me are quick to talk me out of waiting on someone who might never come back? Or is it simply because I’m scared of feeling anything for someone who might not feel the same.

The only thing I can be certain of now, is that it was real.

Love Love, R

a little love story

Dear Soulmate,

What if you met someone who you felt like you had known your whole life? And what if the attraction and connection was mutual? What if the conversation felt so natural that you felt inclined to immediately call them a good friend? What if you went so far as to  consider the possibility that they might be the one?

Then, after a few days together, what if they told you they were going to the farthest place possible, on the other side of the world, in a completely different hemisphere where you would not even experience the same seasons… would you follow them?

What would you do?

It is quite possible that a story like this exists, is being written and is inspired by real life. Had it been fictional, the hero and herione would still be together–at least in the same time zone.

But I wonder, dear soulmate and readers alike, has this ever happened to you? How much would you give up, how far would you go, what would you do if you knew who you wanted to be with at the end of the day?

I’ll leave these questions open as I muse over such a seemingly unconventional little love story.

Love Love, R

soul searching

Dear Soulmate,

It is official. I will be spending the fall in Dublin, Ireland! And you, dear reader, will be coming with me on my journey.

Most people go explore abroad to expand their horizons and gain a global perspective. While this is certainly true for me, I am also embarking on a journey of personal growth and soul searching.

To be honest, I am looking for ridiculously inconvienient, unconventional love. And who knows what I may find across the ocean… but I am ready to fly.

For the past year I have felt very much like a plane at the end of the runway awaiting clearance for take off. The adrenaline, the anxiety, the worries, and all the stress seem to melt away on a runway aimed for blue skies. And even though I hate to fly, I am ready to take off.

It would be easy for me to write to you and tell you that part of my reason for wanting to go someplace new is to leave someplace behind. But I feel that that is normal for most people who venture somewhere new. It is not running away necessarily, but rather moving in a different direction that separates you from your past.

I do not want to feel sadness anymore for what could have been. It is beyond that now. I just want to feel alive once more and this world is too beautiful to leave unexplored.

Love, R