what you have over your ex’s new love

Dear Soulmate,

I once read that any kind of great love can never end well. I thought about this yesterday afternoon as I walked home from one of my favorite neighborhood oyster bars. I was tangled up in my own thoughts, consumed and confused by the notion that someone who doesn’t even know me, hates me.

I’m talking about when your ex’s new love interest despises you for no other reason than your history with that person. I shouldn’t have let it bother me, but it did.

I crossed over 6th Ave and continued on in the direction of my apartment. What difference had it made that I had been part of his past? There’s a reason why I’m not in his future. And after all, it wasn’t my decision in the first place.

But no matter how many blocks I tried to reason with someone who has never even talked to me, I began to think about how I felt the first time I heard about my current lover’s ex. And he has more than one at that.

Having never met her, I know her name, her height, her hair color, and where she’s from. I’m usually one to stand by my motto that ignorance is bliss when it comes to exes but I was curious about this one. They had dated for 5 years, on and off. She was, as anyone who has spent that amount of time with someone, a big part of his life.

When I finally saw his apartment for the first time, she was everywhere.

The entire refrigerator was a collage of their relationship–as if it was a play-by-play into their lives, together. Matching football jerseys, family Christmas parties, Halloween costumes–every relationship milestone was there, staring right back at me. And all I could see was friendship and love.

And, she was beautiful.

My heart sank at all the pictures, the memorabilia, the clutter of her things that she left behind when she moved out.

But what did she have over me?

Time.

That was all.

She had five beautiful years with him–something that may or may not happen for me.

And so that’s all I have over my ex’s new love. Time. We shared a lot of beautiful moments together, in our time.

And that’s the thing about love–there’s never enough time to spend with someone when you love them that much.

Love Love, R

i won’t tell him

Dear Soulmate,

I’m sure I will see him down the road. Maybe in a few years. We might be standing in the same room, or on the same lawn outside when our eyes will meet again. His will light up, as they always do, and he’ll smile warmly. He’ll say he’s had a wonderful time where he’s been, that he’s incredibly happy and that he loves where he is.

It might seem as though no time has passed at all.

As for me, I’ll smile graciously as I’ve done before in the past whenever I look into someone’s eyes and see the reflection of the love I once gave. We’ll make small talk and I’ll tell him about my career–how it was something I’ve always dreamed about pursuing.

And then there will be a few pauses, maybe one or two. Nothing big, but noticeable enough.

I won’t tell him that I thought he was the one, that I’ve never felt that strong of a connection with anyone, and that he and he alone is the only one who made me believe in real love.

Because I’ve learned enough from love to let it be. And after all you seem to hear down the echoes of love’s dark hallways is ‘it wasn’t meant to be,’ you begin to wonder what is.

Love Love, R

would you speak up?

Dear Soulmate,

I didn’t sleep last night. I stayed up tossing and turning in my sleep, wondering if temporarily falling into a dream would be enough to ease the nightmare of the day’s events.

In the light of the full moon that fell across my bedroom floor, I began to recall the line of yesterday’s e-mail when he said he could stay in New Zealand indefinitely.

Wasn’t I enough to make him come home? If not him, then who? How much more of a connection can you have with someone? We were on top of the world together last summer.  But with so much time and distance working against us, will I be just another chapter in his story?

I prepared myself for potentially going years without seeing him, months without being in contact, but how do you prepare yourself for when someone you are so madly in love with tells you they might never come back.

If you’ve been following this blog over the years then you know I’ve learned a ton about love, especially in these past two years. I thought I was strong and capable enough to fall in love again and endure any consequence that may result from doing so. But now I feel like I’m right back at square one, devastated at the thought of losing someone I was sure was the one for me.

So now I’m soliciting you, dear reader, for advice. What would you do if you were in my shoes? Would you speak up?

Love Love, R

those who are sensible about love…

Dear Soulmate,

I feel like I’ve been waiting a lifetime… and I’m not exactly sure what for anymore.

I’m out in Denver right now and am enjoying the anonymity of being on Mountain time, as it somehow feels a world away from my life back east. Still though I wonder when exactly will it be my turn for love.

I remember the way he kissed me and took my hand in his as we walked down the main streets of his town. I remember the way he put his arm around sitting on the bench by the harbor. But now those memories are frosted over with the cold reality that he left. For every beautiful memory of love there is always a colder one to follow.

All I’ve learned about love is to live in the present. I know now that I’ll take any small moment that I can, all the while knowing I might never relive it again with that person. I’ve learned never to ask someone to stay, although secretly hoping they might. I’ve compromised my own beliefs about love with those around me–all the while exchanging my passionate ideas with those more practical.

But then an old quote comes back to me… “People who are sensible about love are incapable of it” -Douglas Yates.

This I know to be true.

Love Love, R

 

never been here

Dear Soulmate,

I’m in a place I’ve never been before. Love is one of those bizarrely gray areas that is never entirely black or white.

I am suddenly torn between meeting someone I fell absolutely in love with instantly–even if only for a few weeks in the summer–and missing someone from long ago.

The reality is that this person from the summer is traveling now. He’s in New Zealand and doesn’t quite keep up with modern-day means of communication… e-mails are few and far in between.

So I’ve gone back and forth, between wanting to be with him and going back to who I was before–the girl who only dreamt of someone like him. I never quite imagined though that someone like him would leave. I suppose now I’m looking for someone who will simply stay.

Is that asking so much?

It’s hard too because I am reminded of the times I’ve been let down before… That familiar feeling of being left behind comes back to me every now and then–just enough to make me feel heartbroken all over again.

Love Love, R

p.s. i love reading your letters, dear readers… they’re lovely and they make my day. i will continue to post and share them here on the site soon! love always.

“because if a guy wants to be with you…”

Dear Soulmate,

If you’re in your early twenties then you already know that it is a roller-coaster.

Tonight I went out for drinks with an old friend. Over a glass of pinot noir I divulged my latest plans, my reasons for not wanted to settle in New York City and a little about a man who lives half a world away yet somehow managed to take a part of my heart with him.

As I sit here and I write, I am reminded of how discouraged I felt upon coming home and replaying our conversation in my head. He said that New York, where he lives and works, was the place for me. He asked me if I was going to Denver, or “running” to Denver… asking if I was escaping people or memories I would otherwise confront by staying on the east coast.

The truth is that I’ve always wanted to head out West. Why not now? Why not in my early twenties when nothing is settled and it seems to make perfect sense?

And then it occurred to me, as I stood in the doorway brushing my teeth and over analyzing every small detail of our conversation, why do I care what someone else thinks?

As much as I love him as a friend for his company and conversation, how far can one go in letting someone else dictate their own life for them?

I turned out the light and headed to my bedroom where I couldn’t help but open my laptop and write to you, dear Soulmate. Because, what really bothers me most about tonight, was what he said about the person who chose to leave me and go travel…

As our conversation ended he told me, “He doesn’t deserve you–this guy who is out traveling. Because if a guy wants to be with you then he will make the effort, no matter the circumstance, to be with you…”

That last sentence was exactly what my dad said to me about the guy who first broke my heart and, after doing so, left me feeling alone enough to write to someone who may or may not exist–a soulmate, perhaps.

Love Love, R

 

hypothetical

Dear Soulmate,

I’m sitting here, outside Boston now, musing over the past few weeks. I’ve been to New York and D.C, visiting friends and meeting new people. Still, it’s hard to forget those last few weeks of summer… and I keep going back to that hypothetical question: what if?

What if you met someone you instantly connected with and after only knowing them for ten days they board a plane and fly to the furthest point possible–not even in the same hemisphere–and promise to stay in touch.

When I wrote my last blog post here, I received a comment in regards to modern communication and how it detracts from that old fashioned kind of long-distance love. But seeing as this mystery man (the time traveler, as I’ve begun to call him), has limited e-mail access and neither texts nor calls, I can’t help but feel like he doesn’t exist.

As the days pass and the air gets colder, it becomes easier for me to lose sight of the magic that once was us. Is it perhaps because it’s been that long–out of sight out of mind? Or is it because people around me are quick to talk me out of waiting on someone who might never come back? Or is it simply because I’m scared of feeling anything for someone who might not feel the same.

The only thing I can be certain of now, is that it was real.

Love Love, R

there’s been someone…

Dear Soulmate,

Sometimes you just know. You just know that you want to be with the one who makes you laugh, who brings you peace of mind and who makes you smile at the very thought of them.

There’s been someone in my life who does all these things. Most simply, he makes me feel alive. He lights me up even in the midst of the darkest winter. He’s one of my best friends… someone I run to when I’m most desperate for truth, for comfort and for love.

I saw him this past weekend for the first time in a year… and in a way, I feel like there’s nothing to worry about. It’s strange, too, because as I sit and write to you I’m surrounded by boxes that remind me that a moving date is drawing near. And in the midst of cover letters and resumes, I’m reminded of how unsettled my future is. Even my cat, who endured 13 years with me, could not stay.

But through all this craziness, this unsettled time of my life, I think of him and everything’s okay. I’ll make it through, I know.

Perhaps the most puzzling question that remains is why I haven’t made an effort to be with him… The easiest answer seems to be that experience has taught me to keep my distance.

Love Love, R

when people say “time heals everything”

Dear Soulmate,

I want to address this whole time-heals-everything motto that people seem to have adopted to make themselves believe things will get better.

Because as I was driving back to Boston this afternoon all I could think about was the way it felt to kiss him so many years ago. And then, just as suddenly as the pulse of brake lights filled the lanes of traffic ahead, the thought crossed my mind that I might never get to kiss him again in my lifetime.

An overwhelming wave of sadness came over me and I began to realize that time doesn’t heal anything… it just rearranges things. It rearranges the hurt that I boxed away and carefully labeled as “fragile.”

But tomorrow is of course a new day. And slowly I am moving closer to something, or perhaps someone, who will prove me wrong about my misconception that time doesn’t heal everything.

Love Love, R

p.s. have something to say? send it in a letter to letters2soulmate@gmail.com… your letter could appear here. (a new letter will be selected soon!)

by the time you finally meet me

Dear Soulmate,

There are so many times when I convince myself that I have seen you or perhaps will see you in the near future. Every corner I turn, every door that I open, I always have this hope that our paths will cross.

I wonder, is it wrong to always be thinking of you in this frantic treasure hunt kind of way? Why can’t I just sit back and wait for you to come to me, or at least wait for time to author our story? Why do I have this incessant urge to pursue you.

I suppose the easiest answer is that I feel at a loss when I look around at other people holding hands and kissing. I feel at a loss when I watch movies where Hollywood stages captivating romances entangled in real life scenarios.

I feel at a loss without you.

the notebook's allie and noah

When I look around at everyone else who appears in love, I too want to share laughter, kisses and stories with someone who cares about me. While I am certainly not alone, I sometimes cannot help but feel it. This I suppose only makes me human.

While you may argue that my longing for you is simply a product of the holidays that remind me that it is the season for love and being loved, or maybe the cold nights followed by colder mornings, my yearning for you stems from another notion.

I fear that you will have missed so much of me by the time I finally meet you. And I fear that I will miss so much of you by the time you finally meet me.

While I am still young it is easy to harken back to my past loves, as those memories are not buried too deeply in my past.  I recall how I grew with all of them, and how they all saw me at my best and worse. I suppose you, too, will grow with me during a different more mature stage of my life. And you, too, will see me at my best and my worst.

What gives me comfort is knowing that who we are today has everything to do with where we are coming from.

All my love, R