raining in new york

Dear Soulmate,

It’s raining here in New York. It’s been raining for an entire week. The streets are slick and the parks are lush in their new green coats. Umbrellas parade down the avenues and rain boots create ripples in the puddles where they stand.

He called me yesterday to see if we could talk. It seems the perfect weather to do so. It’s the kind of weather that’s synonymous with apologies and goodbyes, but I can no longer afford to be that girl who waits for the rain to let up.

Instead, I kept with my routine and went for a run along the Hudson River. An old friend of mine asked me to meet him for happy hour drinks later, and I suggested a bar where one of the bartenders caught my eye earlier this week… much to my date’s dismay.

But if I’ve learned anything from the past, it’s that you can’t let the rain dictate the way you go about your day any more than you can let upsets in love. There are too many beautiful things to look forward to.

And if you don’t believe me, wait until the sun comes out.

Love Love, R

“i love college?”

Dear Soulmate,

I am so completely disconnected from my colleigate peers- I am not even in the same time zone.

It occured to me the other day, as I was talking with my sister, that I have little in common with many people my own age.

In short, I make a pretty pathetic college student.

In Iceland I recall being asked one night by a handsome stranger what the American college scene is like. I shrugged my shoulders and simply replied, “Have you ever seen the Asher Roth ‘I Love College’ video on YouTube?”

I realize though that my response was once of ignorance and indifference. To be honest, the college scene has never quite caught my interest in the same way it had my peers.

At parties I was always the first one up. I would clean up from the night before, tiptoeing over empty beer cans, careful not to wake the sleeping bodies passed out on couches and chairs.

Then I would probably go out running, shower, make myself breakfast and then I would consider “beginning my day.”

What I have learned from my sister, who fully relished her college experience in a small college town, is that we not only have two very different personalities, but we live entirely different cultures.

She sleeps in late, rarely takes time to make herself a full meal, doesn’t prioritize daily exercise, nor housekeeping chores. When I would visit her at college and help her organize her things I was stunned to learn she didn’t have the time to even pick her wet towels up off the floor.

“It’s college,” she would say, an excuse that has followed her for the past four years.

But what happens when the party is over? Now that many college students have graduated this spring, and some have even adopted this colleigate lifestyle, how will they be prepared for the “real world.”?

And nevermind talking about love… my sister would roll her eyes and say, “Nobody is looking for love in college.”

Love, R

in the spring

Dear Soulmate,

It is easy in the Spring to remember what real love feels like. I often find this time of the year incredibly exhilarating and enchanting. Everything from the vibrant gardens to the blooming trees remind me that it is time to begin anew.

But I wonder, why is this energy so difficult to find in other seasons? Do we just grow unphased by life’s simple beauty as the seasons wear on, or do we simply just forget about how it once felt to see new life blossom?

To say that I am in tune with the seasons is an understatement. My mood and outlook is often determined on the sun’s position in the sky, the weather outside, and of course the month of the year. And as I sit at my desk and look at my calendar that is swung open on the wall to reveal the grid of April days, I begin to ask myself what it is about this month that makes me feel so different?

I have so much more hope in you than I did just a few weeks ago. Around every corner I feel like we will spontansoulsy meet, and when I find that we do not then I happily carry on regardless. And I never feel alone.

Of all the uncertainties that come with the changing seasons, there is one thing I do know. The storms I have weathered in the past have made me stronger. The cold lonely nights of winter have made me braver. And the beauty of spring has made me more optimistic.

Who knows what summer could bring…

Love Always, R

p.s. check out “your soulmate, your letter” next monday for the next letter!

on the rebound

Dear Soulmate,

I’ll admit these past few months have been difficult. I mean this in the sense that I have been thinking too much and essentially just going through the motions. I have been so busy spending time alone that I have forgotten how incredibly beautiful life can be when you let it in.

Not to allude to one of my least favorite Jim Carrey films, “Yes Man,” but I have begun to say ‘yes’ more often than not. And that has seemed to make all the difference.

If you had asked me a month ago about love and relationships I may have told you that I still believed in real love. But I would say this with a false tone of optimism that was sheilding behind regret and sadness. I would say this as if to convince myself that yes, I do believe in soulmates.

But right now, I feel as though anything is possible. I am opening the windows of my heart once more and cleaning out all the dust that has accumulated from a winter of hibernation.

I urge you to do the same… There will always be heartache and loss in life. There will always be low moments, times you’ve cried alone, or spent hours to youself, afraid to let anyone else in.

Sometimes you just have to face the world, no matter how broken you may feel. Because even then you may be surprised at how others can help heal you.

Love Always, R

awaiting spring

Dear Soulmate,

The weather in Boston is finally warming up. The days are becoming longer and the sun feels stronger. I walked through the garden today just to see new flowers being planted and witness the pond refilled once again. The swans have not yet returned- at least not that I could tell. The swan boats are still in the process of being assembled, a reminder that the tourists have not yet made their annual return.

And then there was you- or at least the thought of you that always feels so promising in the spring.

I awoke this morning after having another one of those terrible dreams that easily convinces me that the whole “moving on” from someone is really just a myth. But after my morning coffee and a stroll through the garden, I felt a little happier and a little relieved that there is enough physical distance between us.

But summer was always our season. And I am sure I will see him again this season. But right now I am content to keep summer at bay. I do not want to think about that day when I will smile and let him know how happy I am for him. Because I am. I am happy that he has moved on… everyone deserves that. My time will come, too.

Until then I will simply be awaiting simple things- like the return of the swans.

like finally coming home

Dear Soulmate,

It felt like spring for a moment yesterday. I tilted my head back and closed my eyes, bathing in the sun’s warmth. And unable to leave this moment I had found, I realized how long this past winter has been.

Winter’s are always the hardest without you. The long cold nights and annual holiday season celebrations are always a difficult burden to bear when you are alone.

But for a brief moment yesterday, as I sat alone on a park bench, I could feel loneliness drain out of me like an ebbing tide. And in the absence of my lonliness, I simply closed my eyes and lifted my face into the sun hoping to feel something.

It was a bittersweet feeling, too… like finally coming home but to an empty house. But I realize now that it is time to fill the empty spaces with new faces and make new memories and write new stories. It is time to rearrange and find happiness in new places, and not try to reach back into the past to find what is lost.

I miss him every day. I will always miss him, though. I have become used to the feeling, almost numb from feeling too much.

But wherever the road ahead takes me, I will carry with me the knowledge that I don’t always have to go alone.

Love, R

the 100th letter!

Dear Soulmate,

I am feeling good today. I am sitting in a computer lab sipping coffee and watching the market rally to a near 300 points on CNN. I am not thinking about the work I have to do this week but rather taking things minute by minute, hour by hour- the same way I watch the days of summer pass. And you should, too.

The reason for this is because you will find things more fulfilling if you do so. I used to look ahead so far that I lost my own footing. I used to dream about the days to come when I would no longer be alone. I still do this from time to time, but I find little comfort in distancing myself from the present.

It is in the here and now where I am most at home, even without you. I smile as I think about all the possibilities the day has yet to offer. I have been thinking about you a lot lately, and not because I feel alone, but because I am feeling stronger than before. I want you to meet the me that I am proud of… the one who loves simple things like writing letters and meeting old friends for coffee.

But it has been a long time coming. Last week I took out letters, CDs and even deleted songs off my iPod that reminded me of him… I put all the souvenirs of my first love into a box and tucked it away. I know it does not seem like much, but it is suggestive of my physical and mental dettachment.

And I suggest you, too, do some spring cleaning of your own. You will feel much stronger when you do.

Love, R

p.s. what letters do you hide in the box under your bed? your soulmate, your letter

winter is over

Dear Soulmate,

Public transportation reminds me that people are always moving. From buses to trains, ferries to planes, I am always assured of people’s easy ability to move on when I am lost in the shuffle.

good morning, boston

Almost every morning I look forward to ordering my cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee downtown. I love the mornings in Boston, when the city is just waking up and everyone is frantically rushing about in all directions. I always feel like I am the only one standing still, quietly observing as people hurriedly cross traffic-filled streets.

But with every morning comes an opportunity to do something different, meet somebody new, go someplace unknown. Morning harnesses a different kind of energy that the afternoon and the night lack. It is a radiant and infectious kind of feeling that can best be described as hopeful.

And now, with the first day of Spring officially upon us, there is reason to feel more hopeful than ever before. A new day, a new season, and a chance to hope for brighter, sunnier days.

Because winter is my most dreaded season, one that makes me hibernate both mentally and socially, I feel liberated with the knowledge that the best is yet to come… and perhaps soon.

Happy spring to you. May today be the start of something beautiful.

All my love, R

why they call it a crush

Dear Soulmate,

I am in need of a distraction. The best one I suppose would be in the form of a handsome stranger. And the more I think about it, the more Thursday comes to mind. But maybe the reason I am even attracted to him in the first place is because I do not even really know him.

Maybe I have spent too much time making him out to be a wonderful person in my head when I should be taking the time to get to know him instead. Maybe I should simply consider that he could, in fact, be a nice guy, contrary to  my previous experiences with guys.

I suppose what has really kept me from getting to know him better is the idea that if he does not turn out to be who I envisioned then I will  have to deal with that disappointment. And then I will have to start all over again, searching for someone who I am attracted to.

I cannot even tell you why I have become so attracted to him. He has beautiful eyes, of course, but so do a lot of guys. He is from the west coast, which adds to the appeal. He is slightly taller than me which is a plus.

And when I watch romantic movies or see people out on dates together- I think of him and I doing the same. When I picture the arrival of spring in Boston, I picture us walking through the newly bloomed common with cups of coffee, lost in conversation. When I picture going to see a new movie that has just been released in theatres, I picture going there with him.

Even if these outings are only in my head, I can make believe, even if only for a moment, that my heart is full again and that I have never been hurt.

Love, R