a warm kind of love

Dear Soulmate,

It’s autumn in New York. Leaves are turning colors, the wind is growing colder and the days are inevitably getting shorter.

I can’t recall the last time I had an autumn love.

Pulling out the sweaters and throwing an extra blanket on the bed always meant cold nights alone. It meant closing the windows on summer and falling into dreams of the past few months where I was tangled up in warmer nights, starlight, the grass under my bare feet and glasses and glasses of white wine.

And always there was love.

There was the sound of wheels on the gravel drive and the light from headlights cutting their way across the hedge as I would run down the sloping front lawn and climb into the passenger seat. There was the bright light of morning spilling across the hardwood floor and that exciting young rush of realizing you’re not alone under your covers.

No, never alone. Instead, trapped in a world only you two share. An unknown world to the rest of the world. A place you can temporarily call your own.

I don’t recall ever really having an autumn love, until I walked home last night through the winding village streets and felt the warmth of someone walking beside me.

It’s nice, I thought, to not have to rely on sweaters and blankets anymore.

Who knows where winter will find us both. But all I know is that I feel warm, and loved. And that has always been enough.

Love Love, R

 

love and history

Dear Soulmate,

He walks in the room and I immediately start smiling. He talks and I laugh. He kisses and I love.

That’s how effortlessly and easy these past eight months have been, falling into that kind of loud love that quietly unravels you. He is the first thing I think about now when I wake up, and the last thing that crosses my mind before bed.

One night as we sat up late on my couch talking, I remember saying something about how love doesn’t let you go–about how once you’ve loved someone enough, it will always stay with you, even if you’ve moved on. Sure, it is to varying different degrees, but I would argue it’s always there.

To my surprise, he agreed with my theory. In that moment I couldn’t tell whether I liked his response. Did I like that he would always love me even after it’s over? Of course. But would I prefer for his love not to follow those other girls from his past? Perhaps.

What I did realize then and there was that he had a past–something that makes any romantic dizzy with the notion of all the memories, the scents, the places, the late nights, the phone calls, the photographs, the stolen covers, the rainy nights, the car rides, the music, and so much more that lovers inevitably share.

I have to get over these things. I have to come to terms that everyone who has loved and has been loved has a rich history.

I know I have one. And without history, what kind of lovers would we be?

Love Love, R

when the person from your past suddenly makes it to the present

Dear Soulmate,

Something unusual happened last night. I met an old friend for some drinks at a bar around the corner from my apartment. We caught up over some wine and beers and then of course, the subject inevitably took a turn toward family.

He is cousins with my first big love… the one with whom there is still so much words left unspoken.

But that was years ago, and I’ve learned how to shrug off any probing questions about it by simply smiling and saying, “It was a long time ago.”

So when I was informed that his girlfriend dropped my name last weekend at his family birthday party, I was a little stunned at how something so far in the past could find a way to make it to the present. It seems a long journey.

My friend said that my name was not only dropped by her, but that his grandmother was asking about me, identifying me by my first and last name.

After drinks, I walked home feeling a little lost. I’ll be honest, although it was a long time ago, I still remember it all as though it was yesterday.

But I don’t think about it. I don’t go back there. I don’t open up old memories like boxes in the attic. Which is why I wonder, why would she?

Love Love, R

“i hope he’s a really good guy”

Dear Soulmate,

“I hope he’s a really good guy.”

That’s what he wrote to me last week after learning over e-mail that I found someone new. That’s what he wrote from New Zealand to New York.

I sat at my computer, watched the rain fall outside my apartment window, hoping that he would say more than that.

And is he a good guy?

Yes. But this morning he lied about something and the trust between us wavered. I turned over in bed, putting my back to him. He tried to kiss me. He tried to make up for his mistake. He tried to apologize.

Somehow though, his apologies went unanswered, echoing down the long hallway of regret.

We had a cup of coffee and walked to the subway.

I didn’t have much to say this morning. I’m tired and disappointed. I want more than ever to send an e-mail to New Zealand from New York, saying you are the one who has me so completely. You are the one who has me thinking of you on this cold, rainy sidewalk on 7th Avenue, looking into the eyes of someone I do not feel as strongly for.

But I won’t send an e-mail, maybe just this post out into the void, hoping that someone somewhere will believe in love amidst all this noise.

I walked back to my apartment, climbed the stairs to my door. I feel alone again, halfway around the world from love.

Love Love, R

on love’s rollercoaster

Dear Soulmate,

No one knows why love doesn’t work out. You only know why it does because these are the stories you hear from the people who’ve made it happen.

I’ve been writing this blog for the past three years now. In it I’ve disclosed moments of heartbreak, excitement and doubt that have only confirmed what I’ve always known about love: it’s a rollercoaster.

I went to bed laughing last night beside someone who, ironically, was talking about his fear of rollercoasters. He’s terribly afraid of heights. I laughed as he told me that when he boards a rollercoaster, he insists on sitting in the very first car.

“Is that your way of psyching yourself out and convincing yourself that you’re suddenly unafraid of heights?” I asked.

He nodded and said that he’d rather just confront his fears head on.

I’m not one for rollercoasters, nor amusement parks. But, like most people, I’ve been on a rollercoaster or two. The experience was 80% terrifying and perhaps 20% thrilling in that I remember being overwhelmed with the fluttering sensation of nervous butterflies.

This is perhaps the only way I can describe my experiences in love, as cliche as it might sound.

It’s terrifying to believe that it will work out. To believe that all your work on the uphill climb will lead to a fun, easy, thrilling ride.

I don’t know where I’m going with the guy I’m currently seeing. I’m not in the same kind of passionately consuming love that I’ve been in before. There are different degrees of love. But so far, I’m just enjoying the ride with all its ups and downs.

I just hope though that when you meet me, you take the first car. And don’t forget to smile and throw your hands up in excitement on the way down.

You have to be brave in love.

Love Love, R

i wish i had a river i could skate away on

Dear Soulmate,

Sometimes I feel like Joni Mitchell’s “River” says all there needs to be said about winter. I’m watching the snow twirl around outside my bedroom window and feeling so homesick for summer, a time when the world was alive and in bloom. Now, all is quiet, silenced under the weight of freshly fallen snow that buries the tracks of summers barefoot steps.

On gray days like these in Boston, I feel like Joni Mitchell when I say that I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

I close my eyes and remember little moments, little memories of love. I remember the way his hands felt in mine, how they fit so beautifully as through they were made for each other. I remember the way he introduced me by my full name to his father. I blushed and smiled.

I remember the way we painted his mother’s shed. I stood in his clothes covered with splotches of white paint on my tanned bare arms and legs. I laughed as we drove to the lake in the afternoon heat. I watched him dive headfirst from the rocky cliff into the water below. I stood in my bathing suit with my hands on my hips, hesitant about jumping into water whose depth seemed uncertain. Still, I dove in anyway, testing the waters. When I surfaced we both laughed and he pulled me toward him under the water.

When I write, he comes back to me. Little moments like these held in time. It’s all I can ask for on days like these when I only wish I had a river I could skate away on… and be brought back to you.

Love Love, R

would you speak up?

Dear Soulmate,

I didn’t sleep last night. I stayed up tossing and turning in my sleep, wondering if temporarily falling into a dream would be enough to ease the nightmare of the day’s events.

In the light of the full moon that fell across my bedroom floor, I began to recall the line of yesterday’s e-mail when he said he could stay in New Zealand indefinitely.

Wasn’t I enough to make him come home? If not him, then who? How much more of a connection can you have with someone? We were on top of the world together last summer.  But with so much time and distance working against us, will I be just another chapter in his story?

I prepared myself for potentially going years without seeing him, months without being in contact, but how do you prepare yourself for when someone you are so madly in love with tells you they might never come back.

If you’ve been following this blog over the years then you know I’ve learned a ton about love, especially in these past two years. I thought I was strong and capable enough to fall in love again and endure any consequence that may result from doing so. But now I feel like I’m right back at square one, devastated at the thought of losing someone I was sure was the one for me.

So now I’m soliciting you, dear reader, for advice. What would you do if you were in my shoes? Would you speak up?

Love Love, R

let love be.

Dear Soulmate,

It’s one of those gray overcast days in Boston, and although the leaves are changing it’s hard to see their beautiful colors under the weight of my thoughts.

I’ve gone back and forth a lot in my thinking these past few days. I realized today that if all I have were those ten days with that perfectly lovely kind of love at the end of summer, I’m happy.

I’m not holding out for him–that was never my intention. I don’t want anymore promises from him, or anyone, saying that the time will be better down the road.

For the moment I need to let love be, and walk away. I’m not giving up on him, I just cannot hold onto something, or anything, right now.

I’ll admit that it’s hard to share the joy of a long-distance love story with others. I always let their judgment cloud my own. When people tell me that things won’t work out, that he doesn’t deserve me, that I should be with someone who wants to be with me, I always rethink our time together–those summer nights and days when we were inseparable and wanting nothing more than to be with one another.

Part of me wants to be able to go to bed at night without thinking about him or anyone. How simple that would be.

Love Love, R

“because if a guy wants to be with you…”

Dear Soulmate,

If you’re in your early twenties then you already know that it is a roller-coaster.

Tonight I went out for drinks with an old friend. Over a glass of pinot noir I divulged my latest plans, my reasons for not wanted to settle in New York City and a little about a man who lives half a world away yet somehow managed to take a part of my heart with him.

As I sit here and I write, I am reminded of how discouraged I felt upon coming home and replaying our conversation in my head. He said that New York, where he lives and works, was the place for me. He asked me if I was going to Denver, or “running” to Denver… asking if I was escaping people or memories I would otherwise confront by staying on the east coast.

The truth is that I’ve always wanted to head out West. Why not now? Why not in my early twenties when nothing is settled and it seems to make perfect sense?

And then it occurred to me, as I stood in the doorway brushing my teeth and over analyzing every small detail of our conversation, why do I care what someone else thinks?

As much as I love him as a friend for his company and conversation, how far can one go in letting someone else dictate their own life for them?

I turned out the light and headed to my bedroom where I couldn’t help but open my laptop and write to you, dear Soulmate. Because, what really bothers me most about tonight, was what he said about the person who chose to leave me and go travel…

As our conversation ended he told me, “He doesn’t deserve you–this guy who is out traveling. Because if a guy wants to be with you then he will make the effort, no matter the circumstance, to be with you…”

That last sentence was exactly what my dad said to me about the guy who first broke my heart and, after doing so, left me feeling alone enough to write to someone who may or may not exist–a soulmate, perhaps.

Love Love, R

 

hypothetical

Dear Soulmate,

I’m sitting here, outside Boston now, musing over the past few weeks. I’ve been to New York and D.C, visiting friends and meeting new people. Still, it’s hard to forget those last few weeks of summer… and I keep going back to that hypothetical question: what if?

What if you met someone you instantly connected with and after only knowing them for ten days they board a plane and fly to the furthest point possible–not even in the same hemisphere–and promise to stay in touch.

When I wrote my last blog post here, I received a comment in regards to modern communication and how it detracts from that old fashioned kind of long-distance love. But seeing as this mystery man (the time traveler, as I’ve begun to call him), has limited e-mail access and neither texts nor calls, I can’t help but feel like he doesn’t exist.

As the days pass and the air gets colder, it becomes easier for me to lose sight of the magic that once was us. Is it perhaps because it’s been that long–out of sight out of mind? Or is it because people around me are quick to talk me out of waiting on someone who might never come back? Or is it simply because I’m scared of feeling anything for someone who might not feel the same.

The only thing I can be certain of now, is that it was real.

Love Love, R

knock on my door

Dear Soulmate,

As promised, I will share with you a story that I have kept safe and set aside from some of the other wonderful memories I have made in the past few weeks.

It happened on one of those few rare days on the coast of Maine, when the humidity and haze engulf the harbors in blankets of heat that can be felt in warm pockets upon crossing the bay. Despite that it was nearly 95 degrees out, I was dressed in jeans and a white button-down shirt–already prepared for the sun to sink west and take with it the day’s unbearable warmth.

It wasn’t long before I was standing on the dock beside him, holding his hand, waiting to board a boat that would take us to a restaurant on a nearby island.

In what seemed like moments later, we were sitting beside one another, sipping wine and sampling oysters on the half shell. I remember the breeze that lingered in through the open windows of the restaurant, offering a much anticipated relief to an otherwise uncomfortably hot day.

By the time we boarded the boat en route back to the mainland, the stars were sparkling overhead, illuminating the water in dancing specks of lights. He put his arm around me as we sat on the bench by the stern. I remember each moment unfold as easily and comfortably as his fingers interlaced with mine.

A few minutes later, a woman in her mid-60s approached us. She sat down on the vacant seat on the far corner of the bench where we were sitting. Without so much as an introduction, she said, “I just wanted to let you know that you two are beautiful–and you’re beautiful together, beautiful to watch. I couldn’t leave without saying so.”

I ducked out of the spotlight from the overhead stern light to find that not only had we caught her attention, but had been the focal point for most other people on the boat who were staring in our direction in silent agreement.

“Wherever you two go, please knock on my door in a few years–I want to see both of you together again.”

It was a simple statement, but one that I will remember forever.

She ended up giving us her address, and I doubt that him or I have forgotten it.

Love Love, R

just go with it

Dear Soulmate,

Of all the things I’ve learned in the past few months, I have found the most valuable lesson when it comes to life and love is to simply just go with it.

Love takes some crazy turns, and I’ll admit that I have most always tried to prepare myself for them. In the past I tried to protect myself from being hurt by never admitting to someone how I felt for them. I denied my heart at the expense of it being broken. I denied someone the opportunity to be really and wholly loved. And in my active pursuit to prevent myself from being hurt, I ended up hurting myself even more.

Since then I have tried so desperately not to attach myself to people. I kiss without thinking anything of it, and I go out to dinner with guys with no expectation of doing anything more. I try my best to control the way I feel for someone.

But recently, I have learned that it is best not to overanalyze matters of the heart. Love is dangerously unpredictable and can chart a vast course that will take you to some unexpected places. Don’t wonder where the road will lead, or what each kiss means. Just take everything as it comes and simply go with it.

When you do this I have a sneaking suspiscion that love will somehow take care of the rest.

Love Love Always, R

i’m the next bachelorette!

Dear Soulmate,

There are some guilty pleasures I should never admit to… like how I could spend an entire day wrapped up in some romantic novel that is by no means relevant to fine literature. Or how I much prefer to spend the day lounging around the house in a bathrobe that I stole from a tropical resort than in actual clothes.

But perhaps my most sinfully guilty pleasure (besides anonymously blogging… even my friends and family don’t have this website address!) is watching The Bachelorette… and actually enjoying it.

Of course anyone can fall in love when they are given a slew of attractive men who are all chasing after them. Couple this with moonlit strolls down a beach, bottles upon bottles of fine wine and champagne, helicopter rides over snow-capped mountains and hikes through lush tropical escapes. But do all these mindfully orchestrated over-the-top dates really yield love? I would argue lust first.

Although in truth, I have had some incredible “bachelorette” moments of my own that have yielded neither love nor lust, but instead a greater appreciation for life.

I recall a sunset sail with a bottle of champagne with a good friend of mine. I wore his cashmere sweater as we tacked back and forth up the channel and in between islands off of Maine’s coast. The weather was perfect, the company divine, the sunset picturesque. Even my friends admitted to being a bit jealous that my single life was more romantic than the reality of their relationships with their boyfriends.

But my point, dear soulmate, is that it does not matter where you are or what you are doing. It is who you are with, and how you connect to them. As I watched last night’s season finale of The Bachelorette, I could not help but wonder if the dates has been less glamorous, if the end result would be the same.

What are your thoughts? Are true colors revealed based upon the different scenarios people are in?

To each his own I suppose. But maybe what it all comes down to is that you don’t need to be on tv to be the next bachelorette.

Love, R

thought i saw you

Dear Soulmate,

As I was placing my order for coffee last Saturday, I was caught off gaurd by the most breathtaking looking man. In those few seconds as he stood beside me in line I wondered, should I say something? Being the old fashioned girl that I am, I convinced myself that if he was even the slightest bit interested in me then he would make an effort to approach me.

Wrong.

My parents experienced love at first sight. My dad, however, was not the first one to approach my mom. Instead my mom took the initiative to introduce herself to him. It was in a general store in Vermont on one summer day. And just like that, their lives changed forever.

The beauty of their story is that just last weekend my mom said to me, “Did you know your dad called me his soulmate?”

Who knows when things will all change. But it fascinates me how quickly things do the minute you just say, “Hi, nice to meet you.”

Love, R

what took you so long?

Dear Soulmate,

Despite the dreary overcast that has appeared to be more of a staple in the weather pattern than just another gloomy day, I feel more or less energetic.

Perhaps the best news of my morning arrived when I learned that the tall ships have arrived in port! At last, my most favorite celebration in Boston is here.

Perhaps there is a sailor out there who caught a favorable wind this season. Who knows.

I joked to my sister yesterday that by the time I finally do meet you I will probably be so upset with you. I will probably start a fight before I even introduce to you my name. I will most likely say, “What took you so long to get here?”

Of course I am only kidding- I will be so happy to have finally found you, and proud for never settling for anything less.

To all the readers in the area, I hope you get a chance to check out Boston’s tall ships! The website is worth a peek, too. It’s very well designed.

Anyway, keep in touch and see you out there!

Love, R

p.s. fun fact: the guy who i am dancing with in my avatar was my first crush… and i just found out this weekend he is engaged. yikes!

p.p.s. is it worth joining twitter?

at a red light

Dear Soulmate,

Yesterday I sat in rush hour traffic for two hours. The irony was that no one was rushing.

It seemed to me that every route into Boston was completely backed up. It was the kind of traffic where the green lights are meaningless- completely overridden by a parade of red brake lights that seem to stretch on seamlessly for miles ahead.

In my helpless frustration I began to wonder what exactly I was going home for. In the cars beside me I wondered how many of the drivers were on their way home to tell their boyfriend or girlfriend, or their spouse about the traffic that made them late.

And while one does not need a reason to go home, as it is always a special place, I began to think about how much more glamorous it would be to come home to somebody wonderful.

Because when I was in love, sitting in traffic never phased me. In fact, I used to enjoy it. It meant I could sit beside him for that much longer. And of course there were always kisses at stoplights- the kind that left you waiting for the next green light to turn red.

I am convinced though that I am on my way to you. Even if every light in the world turned red, my love for you always shines green.

Love, R

surprise!

Dear Soulmate,

I walked through the doors of my favorite restaurant Saturday night for what I thought would be a small intimate celebration for my birthday.

“Surprise!” everyone screamed as I looked over in disbelief. Fifteen of my most wonderful friends – some who I had not seen in years – were all standing around a table with their hands in the air and flashing cameras to capture my reaction.

I immediately ran over to the table, absent-mindedly brushing past other diners in an emotional rush to greet my awaiting party.

There were friends who I hadn’t seen in years. Some from different parts of my life: some from summer, some from college, some from middle school. Even despite that some of them had never met each other before, they were all gathered around the same table that night. They had traveled from different states and from different places in their lives to be here… to be with me.

And that meant the world to me.

And seated at the far end of the table was a friends, one of my best friends, who I struggled to forgive for so long. The complications of growing up have a way of thinning the thread that tie people together, and while some give up and let go, I held on.

I believe in everyone who has touched my life in a way that has given it meaning. While forgiveness does not come as easily to me as it should, I learned that night what it truly means to embrace change.

There comes a time when we have to accept- like baggage in an airplane overhead compartment- that things have a way of shifting as we move on in our lives.

And for a moment, as I raised my glass in a toast… I remembered him. And in that quiet moment, amidst the flashing cameras and smiles, I forgave the one who did not show up for the occasion. Because hearts get broken. That’s life. That’s growing up.

But there’s always love. And without that, there is nothing to celebrate.

Love, R

birthday

Dear Soulmate,

Tomorrow is my birthday.

I’ve always heard that if you tell someone your wish then it won’t come true. Last year I wished for you.

This year will be different.

Love, R

p.s. my parents are taking me out tonight for a special dinner with my sister… yesterday my mom said to me, “at 8:30 tomorrow night you will turn to me and say, ‘wow, my mom really knows me.’ i will keep you posted on the evening festivities.

it was magical.

Dear Soulmate,

Once upon a time there lived a girl who believed in everything beautiful in the world- like love and dreams. But more importantly, she believed in the most dangerous thing of all: the good in people.

One beautiful summer night this girl fell in love- her first big love. And the whole world looked different. Every moment she spent with him was better than the next. And together they watched the moon spill out over the bay every night, watched stars steal across the evening sky, and even chased fireflies that ceased to die in the morning light.

It was magical.

And then winter came and tested them. Their love had endured another summer. But by the third summer things had changed. Though they were together on the same island off some distant coast, he had a change of heart. And the distance between the two of them could now be measured in hundreds and thousands of miles.

But then that autumn, as the leaves began to fall, this girl lost her grandfather, her lifelong pen pal. With no one to write to, she set out to write to her soulmate- someone who could never reject her love.

But that beautiful house on the hill, on an island far away, that belonged to her grandparents for nearly half a century, was now just an asset. And that nightmare of it ever being sold was beginning to blur into reality.

And so now the girl wakes alone, in a city far away. Summer no longer has its same rhythmn. Love no longer has the same feeling.

But this is not where the story ends… somewhere along the way she finds love again, in some distant land, in pages far away.

Love, R

in no-man’s-land. literally.

Dear Soulmate,

Though I probably shouldn’t, seeing as I am at work, I can’t help but to write to you. For some reason I have already written several emails to friends and even some song lyrics to put some chords to when I get home.

I am not even sure anymore what I am trying to articulate with my words. I wonder sometimes how far they will go- how far they will take me.

Perhaps the beauty of writing is simple: it takes you places.

And right now I feel like I am standing in “no-man’s land.” As I was out running this morning I began to think about how ironic my actions were.

Why do I always feel like I am running from something and at the same time feeling like I am standing still?

When something is amiss in your life, the best advice is to change it. And I have. My life, up until this point, has been built around routine. It was always Maine in the summer and Boston in the winter. And with these seasonal transitions I would reunite with the same people.

But now, for the first time, I have no desire to go back to Maine. Instead, I have decided to stay in Boston where I have taken up a new summer job.  I have also met new people through an impromptu acting class I joined in the spring. I have plans to head to Dublin, Ireland in the fall to study for the semester. And I have spent a weekend in perhaps one of the most remote countries on Earth: Iceland.

So with all these changes… why do I still feel the same?

Love, R

“i love college?”

Dear Soulmate,

I am so completely disconnected from my colleigate peers- I am not even in the same time zone.

It occured to me the other day, as I was talking with my sister, that I have little in common with many people my own age.

In short, I make a pretty pathetic college student.

In Iceland I recall being asked one night by a handsome stranger what the American college scene is like. I shrugged my shoulders and simply replied, “Have you ever seen the Asher Roth ‘I Love College’ video on YouTube?”

I realize though that my response was once of ignorance and indifference. To be honest, the college scene has never quite caught my interest in the same way it had my peers.

At parties I was always the first one up. I would clean up from the night before, tiptoeing over empty beer cans, careful not to wake the sleeping bodies passed out on couches and chairs.

Then I would probably go out running, shower, make myself breakfast and then I would consider “beginning my day.”

What I have learned from my sister, who fully relished her college experience in a small college town, is that we not only have two very different personalities, but we live entirely different cultures.

She sleeps in late, rarely takes time to make herself a full meal, doesn’t prioritize daily exercise, nor housekeeping chores. When I would visit her at college and help her organize her things I was stunned to learn she didn’t have the time to even pick her wet towels up off the floor.

“It’s college,” she would say, an excuse that has followed her for the past four years.

But what happens when the party is over? Now that many college students have graduated this spring, and some have even adopted this colleigate lifestyle, how will they be prepared for the “real world.”?

And nevermind talking about love… my sister would roll her eyes and say, “Nobody is looking for love in college.”

Love, R

first love

Dear Soulmate,

Summer has always been my season. As I sit here and write to you I can feel the morning sun pour through my window, begging me to come outside.

Summer also reminds me of young summer love- the invincibly, passionate and naive kind that makes you believe anything is possible. I was talking with a friend at the beach the other day about how first loves have a way of making other relationships less glamorous.

And I won’t deny that after things ended on rough terms with my first love, it was natural for me to feel somewhat jaded and cynical about love. I realize though that it was unfair for me to assume that all love can be that dreamlike. and without any consequences.

But when you combine your first love with summer love, your expectations for future relationships will most likely result in disappointment.

I have yet to look out to the ocean without thinking of him. Most everything I do in the summer reminds me of him, of us.

And if you knew just how it felt to sneak out of the house to meet someone you were crazy for down at a dock lit by the full moonlight… then you would know the whole story.

Love, R

p.s. share your summer love story!

gone too long

Dear Soulmate,

You know it’s going to be an off day when your coffee order doesn’t come out right. And after sitting in traffic for longer than necessary, I realized that my mood was getting progressively worse.

Not even my favorite album would suffice as an instant pick-me-up.

By the time I arrived to work I was feeling both a little discouraged and lonely. I walked into the office knowing that it was a beautiful day outside, but I would be spending it inside.

There are places I go in my mind that are as forlorn as the most barren field in winter. These are the kinds of places most people rarely access as they know there is nothing there for them. And though I knew there was nothing in it for me, I went there anyway. In my mind it was winter- cold, stark, lonely winter.

What provoked this desolate feeling of lonliness was knowing that Memorial Day weekend is approaching. This used to be my favorite time of the year. It was the weekend that meant the launching of boats back into the water, and the beginning of another perfectly wonderful season.

But this year it is different. Seems I have lost people in my life who were the ones that made returning to Maine on Memorial Day weekend so meaningful. Some of these casualties were caused by unaccepted apologies that left me feeling misunderstood. Others were because of the words I didn’t say, the things I didn’t do. And one person I lost was because they say if you love someone, to let them go.

And though I have never understood that expression, I am learning now that when you let someone you love go, part of you goes with them

Seems I have been gone for too long.

Love, R

missing iceland

Dear Soulmate,

I am sitting at my desk at my new office where I have begun my first week as an intern for the company’s communications and marketing department. Although my office lacks windows, I have received two bouquets from the company on behalf of my first week that seem to make my desk more cheerful.

It is interesting for me to sit here and write to you when I think about where I was last weekend. I am convinced that wherever you go, you take a part of that place with you on your journey.

Iceland is no exception.

I have found myself missing the evocative landscape, stormy skies, and of course the people. Though I was there for only a weekend I was able to take in every minute, every moment as if to call them each my own.

I find myself glowing everytime I have the opportunity to write or speak about Iceland. There is simply so much to say and not enough words to describe it.

I did meet a nice Icelander during my time there. We shared some drinks and talked and laughed for a few hours at a bar in downtown Reykjavik on Saturday night. The more we learned about one another’s lives, the more I had come to realize that everything happens as it should. In other words, you meet certain people at certain times, for certain reasons.

With this in mind, I am convinced that we will meet someday.

Love, R

leaving for reykjavik

Dear Soulmate,

I am off to Reykjavik tonight! I still have a short stack of clothes on my bed that need to be packed, and of course a library of books that I am contemplating bringing. I will most likely just end up bringing my favorite journal, as I always do.

I have learned that often times when you find yourself having to search for a good story to read, you are better off just writing one instead.

And so I am off. Possibly to see you,  who knows?

There’s a line in the movie “P.S. I Love You” that has followed me  since the first time I saw it. It seems to have stayed with me. And like most things that stay with you for a long time, you begin to call them your own.

And so this next passage, a voiceover from the film, has in a way become a part of me… a part of something that has helped me to move on.

And for the purpose of it having a similar affect on you, I will share it.

And of course, it is a letter.

“Dear Gerry,

You said you wanted me to fall in love again, and maybe one day I will. But there are all kinds of love out there. This is my one and only life, And it’s a great and terrible and short and endless thing, and none of us come out of it alive. I don’t have a plan… except, it’s time my mom laughed again. She has never seen the world… she has never seen Ireland. So, I’m taking her back where we started… Maybe now she’ll understand. I don’t know how you did it, but you brought me back from the dead. I’ll write to you again soon. P.S… Guess what?”

Love, R

P.S. i love you

taking off

Dear Soulmate,

I am writing to you tonight from my bedroom where I am sitting at my desk. It is the same desk that has followed me from house to house, through each transition. Although its white paint is chipping in places, it still remains furnished with wooden sailboats, a framed picture of my grandparents dancing at my parents wedding, and some coral, seashells, and starfish from my adventures at the beach.

On Thursday I will be going to Reykjavik, Iceland for a few days. I have never been before but I hear it is a fascinating place. My grandfather traveled there a few years before his death.

Following in his footsteps is an honor as much as it is an adventure.

And although I have never been terribly thrilled about flying, I feel that leaving the ground for awhile will give me some much needed perspective.

I sometimes feel like it is still September. Despite that the spring and early summer are my favorite times of the year, it feels different this year. And in keeping with change, a much needed foreign escape may be just the ticket.

I will report to you my adventures from Reykjavik.

However many miles I travel, I am convinced I am getting closer to you always.

Love, R

just me

Dear Soulmate,

If you want to know who I am, it can best be explained through how I spent my weekend. 

I woke up Saturday morning and went for a long run along the Charles. All of Boston appeared to be glowing across the river in the morning sunlight. Sails were being hoisted and rowing shells were being gracefully pushed through the water by long sturdy oars. Onward I went, carrying summer with me in my stride.

Later, after a brisk cool shower, I exchanged my running shoes for my flip flops. I slid into my summer clothes- the ones I usually only dream about wearing and instead have to don heavy sweaters and wool jackets. But not this weekend. It was 94 in Boston!

Then I headed out with a friend to the beach for the afternoon. In the car I stripped the sunroof back and played Kenny Chesney… letting my mind switch gears into summer mode. The ice cubes in my iced coffee rattled in the center console as I shifted gears and headed north on 95. 

It was a beautiful day.

On Sunday I went back to the beach again, this time absent of company. Instead I gathered a stack of my favorite magazines and set my iced coffee in the sand beside me. I watched the waves curl in front of me and felt the mid-morning sun soothe away any anxieties. 

I looked out to the Atlantic through my aviators, as far as my eyes could reach. It still was not enough to see you, though. But I will be forever looking.

Love R

p.s. check out this week’s “your soulmate, your letter”

in the spring

Dear Soulmate,

It is easy in the Spring to remember what real love feels like. I often find this time of the year incredibly exhilarating and enchanting. Everything from the vibrant gardens to the blooming trees remind me that it is time to begin anew.

But I wonder, why is this energy so difficult to find in other seasons? Do we just grow unphased by life’s simple beauty as the seasons wear on, or do we simply just forget about how it once felt to see new life blossom?

To say that I am in tune with the seasons is an understatement. My mood and outlook is often determined on the sun’s position in the sky, the weather outside, and of course the month of the year. And as I sit at my desk and look at my calendar that is swung open on the wall to reveal the grid of April days, I begin to ask myself what it is about this month that makes me feel so different?

I have so much more hope in you than I did just a few weeks ago. Around every corner I feel like we will spontansoulsy meet, and when I find that we do not then I happily carry on regardless. And I never feel alone.

Of all the uncertainties that come with the changing seasons, there is one thing I do know. The storms I have weathered in the past have made me stronger. The cold lonely nights of winter have made me braver. And the beauty of spring has made me more optimistic.

Who knows what summer could bring…

Love Always, R

p.s. check out “your soulmate, your letter” next monday for the next letter!

like fireflies

Dear Soulmate,

I went running this morning at sunrise and thought of you. The sun was just beginning to spill out over the Charles and off in the distance I could see planes take off into the radiant glow of dawn. Boston Harbor was soon illuminated with energy and as I ran alongside the water I felt so close to you.

I hope our paths cross soon… because the truth is that I am terribly lonely in your absence. I fill my days with as much laughter and joy, but still, despite how full my life is, I feel empty without you. There is something missing.

And I refuse to settle for anything less than wonderful. Know that I will wait for you- because I believe in that kind of ridiculously inconvenient love that defies everything. I believe in you.

I know that it is difficult, especially in my generation, to believe in the kind of love you read about in old novels. But I still write letters, I still believe in simple things like fireflies, and I believe that real love transcends all generations.

Because if it didn’t, what would there be to life for?

I miss you, R

for a moment

Dear Soulmate,

As I write to you I can see the lights of rush hour traffic move slowly out of the city. The dark blue glow of dusk has settled in the background and another day is almost over.

Times like these I often find myself standing beside my window, looking out to the urban sprawl with crossed arms and wandering eyes. I wonder if I will ever find you.

Times like these remind me of everything he ever said to me. And for a moment I feel like we belong again. For a moment I forgive him for everything. For a moment I wish everything was different- that nothing changed, that we never grew up, that I still believed in things like stars to wish upon.

But there are no stars here in Boston- at least none that I can see from my window. I could wait forever though to find them if I knew my wishes would come true.

Because I still remember everything. I remember the way the moonlight fell upon the ocean, and into his eyes. And I remember how I fell, too.

And the irony about everything…

…is that he never knew any of this.

And now that he has found someone new, everything feels smoothed over- like the past never mattered. Like the next time we will see one another, he will have forgotten how he let me walk away after a lifetime of collecting memories. He will have forgotten about the call he never made when my grandfather passed away.

And I will look at him and smile and say “I’ve been good, thanks,” if he ever asked.

R

in the fog

Dear Soulmate,

Today Boston has been hiding underneath a cold blanket of fog reminiscent of Maine’s coastal climate. I could not help but feel nostalgia for Maine, where I grew up, as I stood waiting for the bus this morning.

I love fog. It reminds me to look only at what is revealed in front of me, and not let my imagination stray beyond what I cannot see. I can hardly think of a better way to end a crazy busy week than to simply focus on the here and now.

For the moment, I am content in my decision not to look too far ahead. Today the weather has made that impossible, and I am far too tired to wonder what will be.

My grandfather always told me, “What will be will be, and what will be will be just fine.”

And so now I write to you, dear soulmate, from a grateful heart that is filled with the knowledge that soon the fog will lift and the sun will shine once more. And I love you now as much as I will then.

Cheers and Love, R

to the readers

Dear Soulmate,

I began this blog after my grandfather passed away in the fall. He and I were pen-pals, you see. He was perhaps one of the best writers I knew and I looked forward to the letters and postcards he would send me.

And in the silence that followed his death, the inescapable coldness of winter began to seep into every last corner of summer’s warmth that I tried desperately to save.

I needed comfort. I needed to write to someone. And that is when I decided to write to you- the next chapter in my life.

Although we may have never met I remain confident that we will… that time will fill the empty space with the warmth and laughter that I remember from what felt like a lifetime ago.

And to all the readers who have found comfort and strength in these letters, I cannot thank you enough for your comments and emails. You have made every day a bit brighter and every stride a bit easier.

I have never felt as though anyone has followed me on this blog, but rather that you have been walking beside me on this journey. We have more miles to go but just so you know, I have enjoyed every minute of your company.

Here’s to the road ahead- the best is yet to come.

Cheers and Love, R

a few good men?

Dear Soulmate,

I am going to be honest when I say that it is sometimes difficult to believe that there are good men out there.

As I walked out of North Station today some guy approached me asking for a dollar for the T. When I told him I only had a credit card he added, “you’re really pretty, do you have a boyfriend?”

And had he not looked like the kind of guy who would say that to anyone walking down the street, I may have been more inclined to consider it remotely if not slightly flattering.

But as I walked home I could not help but be convinced that all men are only after one thing. And if there are any women out there like me, I keep that under lock and key.

Needless to say Boston’s dreary and drizzly overcast today did anything but help elevate my mood to some level of normalcy.

I cannot help but feel like Carrie Bradshaw today in Sex and the City when she states that she is like a fly strip for dysfunctional men.

Perhaps I should have never left my house today.

Missing you, R

since you took your love away

Dear Soulmate,

I watched a documentary about the elderly in class the other day. Toward the end of the film an old man was being interviewed and through his tears he explained how he had nothing to live for now that his wife had passed away.

He went on to explain how he had no one to share stories with. He had no one to talk to about daily things that happened to him. He had no one to share his life with that could make it as meaningful and colorful as his wife did.

I began to think about how completely paralyzing love is when it is lost. The only thing I can imagine to be more painful is having someone withdraw their love and have a change of heart.

When someone who has loved you passes away, there is comfort in the knowledge that they loved you- that they would have loved you forever if life had given them a chance.

But when someone you love suddenly changes their mind and takes away their love for you, there is an absence that is starkly similar to death. It is as if you lost somebody- a person you beleived to be someone different than he or she turned out to be.

And that is how I felt when someone I loved suddenly had a change of heart… I thought I was the only one who felt for a few dark moments that I had no one to share my life with.

I realize that it is normal to feel a tragic sense of loss when love gets lost. I realize though that life does go on, and fortunately for me, I have you to believe in.

Love, R

i’ll be thinking about you

Dear Soulmate,

I wish I could tell you that it has been easier now- knowing that everyone around me is moving on. I wish I could tell you that I, too, am moving forward into some future where I will find you. But every morning as I get lost in the shuffle of commuters, newspapers, and cups of coffee, the more I feel like I am standing still.

But then I realize, the only person who can change this… is me.

I know things will be easier when the days get longer and the sun shines brighter. Optimism will be easier to find when the oppressive weight of the colder seasons are lifted once and for all.

And in the meantime, I’ll be thinking about you.

I think about all the places I want to go with you… from foreign cities to your own backyard. I think about all the laughs we will share and the dreams we will build together.

When I think of these things I find hope in the most unexpected places. I smile and feel lighter in my steps, knowing all the while that each one is moving me closer to you.

And for anyone who has been hurt and feels broken in places they never thought possible, know that better days will come.

How do I know this?

Because if they didn’t, life would not be worth living?

All my love, R

winter is over

Dear Soulmate,

Public transportation reminds me that people are always moving. From buses to trains, ferries to planes, I am always assured of people’s easy ability to move on when I am lost in the shuffle.

good morning, boston

Almost every morning I look forward to ordering my cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee downtown. I love the mornings in Boston, when the city is just waking up and everyone is frantically rushing about in all directions. I always feel like I am the only one standing still, quietly observing as people hurriedly cross traffic-filled streets.

But with every morning comes an opportunity to do something different, meet somebody new, go someplace unknown. Morning harnesses a different kind of energy that the afternoon and the night lack. It is a radiant and infectious kind of feeling that can best be described as hopeful.

And now, with the first day of Spring officially upon us, there is reason to feel more hopeful than ever before. A new day, a new season, and a chance to hope for brighter, sunnier days.

Because winter is my most dreaded season, one that makes me hibernate both mentally and socially, I feel liberated with the knowledge that the best is yet to come… and perhaps soon.

Happy spring to you. May today be the start of something beautiful.

All my love, R

a letter of hope to the heartbroken

Dear Soulmate,

On Saturday I drove up to Maine to visit a friend at college. Our relationship had suffered a falling out last summer, but she  finally came around, absent of an apology, when one of my grandparents passed away in the fall. Still, it is bittersweet to see people who so easily forget how they hurt you in the past. Regardless, I drove up to see her because I believe in the goodness in her, as I do with most people.

One of the first things she told me was that the love from my past has a girlfriend now… he has never had a girlfriend before in the same way that I have never had a boyfriend. It is difficult to put into words how I felt- too many emotions, to say the very least.

At first I felt a tremendous amount of sadness that he had moved on, and anger that my friend would so casually mention this to me without the expectation that it may hurt me. But then I realized the apparent and incredible distance between me and others who I thought I was close to.

As I drove back to Boston that afternoon I felt similar to Tom Hanks in Cast Away… alone and adrift on a raft out at sea. But I realize now that it’s time to do some rearranging of my own.

This is not to say that my days are suddenly much brighter- I still find it difficult to smile and I have trouble sleeping. I turned off my phone for a few days and snapped at my sister for not empathizing with my situation, and for not feeling for things as deeply as I. But I know now that a huge part of what I am going through is not being able to express my thoughts with others.

The reason my friend so casually mentioned his new girlfriend was not out of spite, it was because she had not known- I had never opened up to her to express how I really felt about things that hurt me. And the love from my past never really knew how I had felt about him either- how much I cared about him, and how much I loved the world through his eyes and wanted to be a part of it. If he did things may have been different.

The lesson I have learned though is one that people can tell you a thousand times, even your own mother, but you do not believe it until you finally experience it for yourself.’

It is cliche but simple: you don’t have to be alone.

I used to find comfort in my isolation… now I find agony. It’s a difficult lesson to learn, but I have always believed that people are the enemy- that they are the ones responsible for my pain and for hurting me. I used to think that I would never be betrayed if I could not trust.

I also used to think that I had to carry the burden of holding onto things… because I feared no one else would. And if no one else would then they would be forgotten. And through all of this I was always afraid that people would somehow be so busy moving on with their own lives, that they would forget about me. And that is how I felt upon learning about my past love’s girlfriend.

But I realize now that this is not the case. I know now that you are responsible for yourself.. and in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

You are stronger than you think and wiser than you believe.

Love, R

p.s. peace, love, breathe, hope

almost stopped believing in you

Dear Soulmate,

I almost stopped believing in you today. Almost.

I found out today that the only boy I have ever really loved has found someone new. The first time he told me her name was the last time I have spoken to him. But at the time, so many months ago, I did not think it could have gone any further than a fling or casual relationship.

Turns out, as I learned today, she is his girlfriend now. This would not be such a big deal had he never had a girlfriend before.

And now I feel more alone than I have ever felt before- heartbroken all over again. It is like I take one step forward and two steps back.

The world keeps turning, everyone moves on, and here I am- waiting for a resolution or something that will at least justify why he is in a relationship and I am not.

The only thing that gives me comfort- in this pitifully low moment of sadness- is knowing that maybe someday, I will find you…

Maybe someday.

And so begins more sleepless nights and tears.

Love, R

friday the 13th…

Dear Soulmate,

Friday the 13th proves that it is impossible to make your own luck.

my definition of "good friday" ...i felt this post was in need of some instant happiness. to me this photo says it all.

And to be perfectly honest, I do not have the best of luck. I do not mean this in the grand scope of things, because when I look at my life on the whole, it it more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. In that respect, I am very lucky.

But to those who spend time with me and really know me, it is easy to understand why I believe it is impossible to make your own luck.

If there is a green light, it will quickly turn red upon my approach. If I ask for a french vanilla coffee rather than regular, I end up with a regular. If there is one flight delayed at the airport, it is most likely the one I am scheduled to take. And when it comes to men… well, I will let you make your own judgments.

But I digress. I realize that most of the scenarios I have mentioned above are trivial elements of my day. While some of my friends have pointed out that I have terrible luck, I always shrug it off and tell them I am used to it.

I suppose what people really mean when they say that you make your own luck is that you choose what to make of it.

But today was not one of my best days, and given that it is Friday the 13th, I feel that I have license to blame my lack of good luck on the superstitions of this day.

And if you, too, are feeling glum and out of sorts today, just remember it is what you make of it.  Afterall, it is Friday… it cannot be that bad.

Love, R

p.s. i miss you.

why they call it a crush

Dear Soulmate,

I am in need of a distraction. The best one I suppose would be in the form of a handsome stranger. And the more I think about it, the more Thursday comes to mind. But maybe the reason I am even attracted to him in the first place is because I do not even really know him.

Maybe I have spent too much time making him out to be a wonderful person in my head when I should be taking the time to get to know him instead. Maybe I should simply consider that he could, in fact, be a nice guy, contrary to  my previous experiences with guys.

I suppose what has really kept me from getting to know him better is the idea that if he does not turn out to be who I envisioned then I will  have to deal with that disappointment. And then I will have to start all over again, searching for someone who I am attracted to.

I cannot even tell you why I have become so attracted to him. He has beautiful eyes, of course, but so do a lot of guys. He is from the west coast, which adds to the appeal. He is slightly taller than me which is a plus.

And when I watch romantic movies or see people out on dates together- I think of him and I doing the same. When I picture the arrival of spring in Boston, I picture us walking through the newly bloomed common with cups of coffee, lost in conversation. When I picture going to see a new movie that has just been released in theatres, I picture going there with him.

Even if these outings are only in my head, I can make believe, even if only for a moment, that my heart is full again and that I have never been hurt.

Love, R