when the person from your past suddenly makes it to the present

Dear Soulmate,

Something unusual happened last night. I met an old friend for some drinks at a bar around the corner from my apartment. We caught up over some wine and beers and then of course, the subject inevitably took a turn toward family.

He is cousins with my first big love… the one with whom there is still so much words left unspoken.

But that was years ago, and I’ve learned how to shrug off any probing questions about it by simply smiling and saying, “It was a long time ago.”

So when I was informed that his girlfriend dropped my name last weekend at his family birthday party, I was a little stunned at how something so far in the past could find a way to make it to the present. It seems a long journey.

My friend said that my name was not only dropped by her, but that his grandmother was asking about me, identifying me by my first and last name.

After drinks, I walked home feeling a little lost. I’ll be honest, although it was a long time ago, I still remember it all as though it was yesterday.

But I don’t think about it. I don’t go back there. I don’t open up old memories like boxes in the attic. Which is why I wonder, why would she?

Love Love, R

how do you react?

Dear Soulmate,

Whenever I come across a relationship roadblock, I try to voice my opinions as maturely and rationally as possible. I’ve never been one to break dishes, raise my voice, or slap someone for their indiscretions.

What I haven’t learned yet, is how to find the middle ground. I’m the quiet extreme. If something bothers me in a relationship, I have no problem confronting it and telling my partner exactly how I feel, yet I do so in a passive way that might make someone feel as though it wasn’t that big of deal, when in reality, it is to me.

How do you react? If someone does something that breaks your trust or makes you feel betrayed, what’s the best way to get vindication?

I suppose what I’m really asking is how you get what you want from someone in a way that’s neither vengeful, or on the other extreme, passive.

When you’ve been seeing someone for five months, you develop a kind of trust and comfortability with them. So naturally when they do something that steps themselves out of bounds and into the “dealbreaker” arena, it’s normal to feel upset.

He called today to see how I was. He said he missed me. I was fine this morning until I heard his voice. I told him to have a good rest of the day and it wasn’t until after I hung up that I realized I was crying.

Why do I always feel like I have to suppress my feelings?

Love Love, R

on love’s rollercoaster

Dear Soulmate,

No one knows why love doesn’t work out. You only know why it does because these are the stories you hear from the people who’ve made it happen.

I’ve been writing this blog for the past three years now. In it I’ve disclosed moments of heartbreak, excitement and doubt that have only confirmed what I’ve always known about love: it’s a rollercoaster.

I went to bed laughing last night beside someone who, ironically, was talking about his fear of rollercoasters. He’s terribly afraid of heights. I laughed as he told me that when he boards a rollercoaster, he insists on sitting in the very first car.

“Is that your way of psyching yourself out and convincing yourself that you’re suddenly unafraid of heights?” I asked.

He nodded and said that he’d rather just confront his fears head on.

I’m not one for rollercoasters, nor amusement parks. But, like most people, I’ve been on a rollercoaster or two. The experience was 80% terrifying and perhaps 20% thrilling in that I remember being overwhelmed with the fluttering sensation of nervous butterflies.

This is perhaps the only way I can describe my experiences in love, as cliche as it might sound.

It’s terrifying to believe that it will work out. To believe that all your work on the uphill climb will lead to a fun, easy, thrilling ride.

I don’t know where I’m going with the guy I’m currently seeing. I’m not in the same kind of passionately consuming love that I’ve been in before. There are different degrees of love. But so far, I’m just enjoying the ride with all its ups and downs.

I just hope though that when you meet me, you take the first car. And don’t forget to smile and throw your hands up in excitement on the way down.

You have to be brave in love.

Love Love, R

a new love

Dear Soulmate,

Where do I begin? So much time has passed since I last wrote you in January to inform you that I would be moving to New York. As it turns out, three months later, I’ve arrived.

I love New York. I love it for its energy, its passion, its conviction and its pulse. I’ve fallen in love with my Village apartment with its tall windows that lend a view of the backsides of neighboring low-rise buildings. I’ve fallen in love with the sounds from the avenues–streams of traffic humming along at all hours, quieting only in the early morning. I love the rumble of the trains, the frenzy of pedestrian traffic, and most of all, I love the stories that have been created here.

I’ve found a love here in New York too, although I know it is fleeting. He’s smart and funny, handsome and charming, but my heart is sold to the city.

I don’t belong to anyone right now, only to the rhythmn of my footsteps on the avenue that lead me someplace new and wonderful with every step I take, every corner I turn.

Love Love, R

welcome to the bright lights

Dear Soulmate,

I have a new love. It’s one that I never saw coming, but that’s usually how great love stories begin.

I’m in love with New York City, and it’s only just the beginning.

I leave Boston on Friday and will have the keys to my very first apartment in my hand by that afternoon. I’ve only recently been introduced to New York so the move is going to be one of excitement, skepticism and enchantment. As with all new loves, I’ll have to be cautious and play it safe. You can’t fall too fast or you risk losing it all.

But there’s a kind of permanence that’s deeply comforting when it comes to falling in love with places. Places, unlike people, don’t move. They’re always there. They never leave. You can wander, stray and set out for new unchartered paths your whole life, but where you’ve been geographically will always be there for you to return to whenever you turn back around. It’s a wonderful notion.

So for all those who have, are and will be embarking on a new chapter in New York City, like so many who have come before… welcome to the bright lights.

Love Love, R

looking for the one

Dear Soulmate,

If you found “the One” would you keep looking?

This is the question I’m forced to ask myself as I drift from day to day, thinking about that guy from this summer who felt like the better half of me.

He fit. He fit in my life–in the way few people can; in the past, present and future. I felt at home in his arms and in his eyes. If I got lost or my thoughts ran astray he pulled me back again and reminded me who I am, who I want to be.

It’s scary though. There are always risks involved with love. But this isn’t just any kind of love. It’s a breathtakingly honest kind of love that purifies even the most doubtful, unbelieving heart.

I want him here with me, even though he’s more than half a world away and I haven’t heard from him in months.

I don’t want to keep looking for what I’ve already found…

Love Love, R

am i crazy?

Dear Soulmate,

It’s cold here in Boston now. The streets are blanketed with snow that finally fell after swirling around on the backs of frigid gusts that have finally quieted.

Christmas has passed now, without any word from someone half way around the world who meant everything to me for ten beautiful days this summer. I still can’t stop thinking about him.

Should I feel hurt? Should I feel neglected that the holidays passed without hearing from him? Or should I just accept that he left and we’ve fallen out of touch.

I miss him. I remember how he told me that I gave him something to come back to. Now I’m not sure he’ll ever come back from New Zealand. I want to cry. I want to crawl into my bed and forget I met someone so wonderful who was so good to me, for such a short time. I want to start over.

My parents and friends are surprised that I haven’t spoken to him in months. I’ve defended him and said that he’s difficult to get in touch as he’s been traveling. He doesn’t have very much Internet access, and he doesn’t have a phone.

But in the quiet moments I keep to myself, I wonder if I’m crazy for giving him so much slack. They say if you love someone that you should let them go. But if this is all I do–all I’ve ever done–will I ever find love that really lasts?

…Something to think about.

Love, I suppose, R

i wish i had a river i could skate away on

Dear Soulmate,

Sometimes I feel like Joni Mitchell’s “River” says all there needs to be said about winter. I’m watching the snow twirl around outside my bedroom window and feeling so homesick for summer, a time when the world was alive and in bloom. Now, all is quiet, silenced under the weight of freshly fallen snow that buries the tracks of summers barefoot steps.

On gray days like these in Boston, I feel like Joni Mitchell when I say that I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

I close my eyes and remember little moments, little memories of love. I remember the way his hands felt in mine, how they fit so beautifully as through they were made for each other. I remember the way he introduced me by my full name to his father. I blushed and smiled.

I remember the way we painted his mother’s shed. I stood in his clothes covered with splotches of white paint on my tanned bare arms and legs. I laughed as we drove to the lake in the afternoon heat. I watched him dive headfirst from the rocky cliff into the water below. I stood in my bathing suit with my hands on my hips, hesitant about jumping into water whose depth seemed uncertain. Still, I dove in anyway, testing the waters. When I surfaced we both laughed and he pulled me toward him under the water.

When I write, he comes back to me. Little moments like these held in time. It’s all I can ask for on days like these when I only wish I had a river I could skate away on… and be brought back to you.

Love Love, R

holiday overload?

Dear Soulmate,

What is it about the holidays that makes people feel compelled to compete for the most spirit as if it were a contest? With so many traditions, is it necessary to complete them all? The most obvious answer is no.

Call me the Grinch or a Scrooge but my idea of Christmas is not wrapped in shiny paper nor muddled in all the chaos of the traditions.

From gingerbread houses, decorated trees, egg nog recipes, advent calendars, neighborhood caroling, staged mistletoe, holiday cards, to gift exchanging have we all lost sight of what we’re really celebrating?

I always find myself in the same position every year–standing in a crowding room filled with family and wondering if next year it will be different. Is it wrong to want to be with someone you love during the holidays? I think not.

While I’m never shy of grateful for being in the presence of family and friends, why does it always feel like somethings missing when it comes down to hanging the garland and stringing lights?

The simplest answer is that the holiday season is genuinely about love–Valentine’s Day on steroids, rather.

The truth is, I miss you. Wherever you may be. Christmas will never be Christmas without you.

Love Love, R

if you believe everything happens for a reason

Dear Soulmate,

Do you believe in fate? If you believe that everything happens for a reason then you spend the majority of your life steered in a direction that’s dictated solely on the premise of it wasn’t meant to be, or it was meant to be.

I’ve failed countless times in my life. In most instances I’ve picked myself up and kept walking, though I might have changed my direction slightly. When it comes to trying the same course over and over, only to fail on repeated attempts, at what point do we say enough is enough?

To put in perspective, I looked at apartments in Boston during the spring. I found one that I liked and made an offer. The offer was declined and I gracefully accepted the defeat as a sign that Boston wasn’t meant to be. I tried New York–where I set my heart on two apartments whose offers both didn’t go through. Now I’m back to square one, left feeling sad and defeated–wondering if I should continue my pursuit to live in New York, or take this week’s experience as a sign to move in another direction.

Maybe it’s selfish to want a cozy apartment in New York City, to want the job that doesn’t necessarily better those around you but adds definition to your own life. Maybe it’s not the path for me.

All I’ve known my whole life is to give, because I’ve been given so much that it only seems natural to help those around me. Who knows what will be in these next few months, or where I will find myself… but one thing is certain, I’ll always be in love… and never will I ever give that up.

Love Love, R

on a bedside table

Dear Soulmate,

It’s midnight in Boston and I can’t sleep. Whenever sleep is reluctant to find me, I usually open my journal or my laptop and begin writing. My grandmother once told me that everyone should sleep with a notebook and pen on their bedside table so that when they wake up they can recount their dreams in writing. I have always found it a nice notion, although rarely ever have I put it into practice.

But tonight I feel like I’m dreaming awake as it has been an exciting past few days. I signed the lease on my first apartment in New York City. It’s small but practical. Already I have begun packing a box of miscellaneous treasures–sea glass, old vases, picture frames and white wooden letters that spell out SAIL when placed accordingly on the wall.

It’s a small space, but it is my own. I have a place in the world now, an address to call mine. It’s not much, one would argue, but it’s something.

Besides, if one had it all, what would they write in their journal on their bedside table?

Love Love, R

if you’re in new york…

Dear Soulmate,

I’m writing to you from a New York bound train where I’m comforted by the movement and passing scenery. Am I the only who feels like anything is possible and within reach on a train to New York?

They say that you go to New York with a dream. Well, mine is nothing shiny and larger than life, yet it still feels out of reach. And, ironically, my dream is not one of love, but of passion instead.

I only wish to follow my heart in such a way that it benefits others as well as myself. I have expectations–great expectations–for myself. The challenge will be living up to them.

I know the city lights of New York will pose a temporary distraction from loneliness, but after living in cities like Boston and Dublin, I know that city life breeds loneliness if you let it. The abrasive edges of a city skyline are cold and foreboding. The shuffling of strangers on sidewalks can remind you that you are more alone than you thought you were.

But I’m not taking loneliness to New York, though I doubt that it won’t find me at some point. The struggle is keeping positive, and knowing that no matter how greatly you’ve loved in the past, there’s still more to give.

If you’re in New York now, or are on your way, keep an open heart. You never know what will find you… or who you’ll meet.

Love Love, R

christmas lights

Dear Soulmate,

These days I see people hanging lights up on trees lining busy sidewalks, or on wreaths outside front doors, and sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one who wishes they were taking them down and putting them away.

Although Boston sparkles in the fading daylight with its ornately decorated trees, all I see is the glimmer and glamour of the kind of magic that can’t last.

I remember the way he held me last summer and the words he said as I stood in his driveway crying before I drove back down to Boston. He said New York would work, and that I’d be great there. Now, nearly four months later, I’m not so sure. I told him to try to keep in touch from South America and New Zealand, although I’m learning now how wrong I was in my assumption that he would.

So now I’m going down to New York again this weekend, but will be shifting my apartment search into sixth gear. I won’t be returning to Boston until I’ve signed a lease.

I realize though, that nothing lasts. Every year I find myself searching Christmas lights for the kind of warmth that held me from season’s passed. But I know now that months pass, years go by, and lights get put up as quickly as they get taken down.

So now, I’m going to go where the lights are always shining, and I can lose myself in the belief that everything is wonderful and bright, as it should be this time of year.

Love Love, R

love and money. what gives?

Dear Soulmate,

My parents met each other when they were in their early twenties–when they were younger than I am now. My dad only had a few dollars to his name. He dropped out of college and was driving aimlessly across the country when my mom met and fell in love with him.  She knew instantly that he was the one she was going to marry.

This summer I met someone wonderful. He loves to travel and we both share a lot of similar passions. I didn’t tell my parents that I fell in love with him in those few days we spent together this summer. I didn’t tell them that he was it for me. I didn’t tell them that no one has treated me that well, ever. In fact, I’m only telling this now.

Consider it a confession of some sort–one of those thoughts that goes out and gets lost somewhere intangible but has the potential to be heard somehow. It wasn’t until today that I was reminded of how much I love him for who he is when my mom stood in the kitchen and ushered some remark about how my future husband will have to be a very patient man. She went on to say something about how he will have to make enough money, be financially well off, and be capable of supporting a family.

In the heat of the moment, I told her that I loved him. I told her it didn’t matter how much money we made, so long as we’re happy we’ll make it.

Isn’t she being hypocritical in encouraging me to suppress my love for him when she was in the very same boat?

What does money even have to do with love anyway? If you can answer that question, you’re a lot smarter than I am.

Cheers, R

i won’t tell him

Dear Soulmate,

I’m sure I will see him down the road. Maybe in a few years. We might be standing in the same room, or on the same lawn outside when our eyes will meet again. His will light up, as they always do, and he’ll smile warmly. He’ll say he’s had a wonderful time where he’s been, that he’s incredibly happy and that he loves where he is.

It might seem as though no time has passed at all.

As for me, I’ll smile graciously as I’ve done before in the past whenever I look into someone’s eyes and see the reflection of the love I once gave. We’ll make small talk and I’ll tell him about my career–how it was something I’ve always dreamed about pursuing.

And then there will be a few pauses, maybe one or two. Nothing big, but noticeable enough.

I won’t tell him that I thought he was the one, that I’ve never felt that strong of a connection with anyone, and that he and he alone is the only one who made me believe in real love.

Because I’ve learned enough from love to let it be. And after all you seem to hear down the echoes of love’s dark hallways is ‘it wasn’t meant to be,’ you begin to wonder what is.

Love Love, R

the truth about men.

Dear Soulmate,

Maybe it takes a new relationship to make you realize how much you’ve changed in your beliefs about love and all its entanglements. Maybe it’s just growing up and maturing, understanding that it’s not all about the happy ever after but rather just taking each moment as it comes.

Somehow though, I have adopted the worst possible attitude that I always despised in former loves–the out-of-sight-out-of-mind view.

Love knows no distance. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. We’ve all heard those expressions time and time again. Still, it does not necessarily make them true.

Past experiences in heartbreak have taught me not to hold onto anything and to simply let things go.

When I was asked by my grandmother today whether I still had feelings for someone who left to go travel a few months back, I simply said, “not anymore.” It was the first time I acknowledged this out loud. Then I slumped in my chair in disappointment–both about what I had just said and because I felt like I was turning into someone I never wanted to become.

My grandmother finally said, “Well I guess you are finally learning you cannot control men.”

The truth is that I never intended to… I only hung my hopes on the stars that I would be enough to make someone stay.

Love Love, R

p.s. my grandparents celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary tomorrow… my grandmother told me that my grandfather is still very much the love of her life.

never been here

Dear Soulmate,

I’m in a place I’ve never been before. Love is one of those bizarrely gray areas that is never entirely black or white.

I am suddenly torn between meeting someone I fell absolutely in love with instantly–even if only for a few weeks in the summer–and missing someone from long ago.

The reality is that this person from the summer is traveling now. He’s in New Zealand and doesn’t quite keep up with modern-day means of communication… e-mails are few and far in between.

So I’ve gone back and forth, between wanting to be with him and going back to who I was before–the girl who only dreamt of someone like him. I never quite imagined though that someone like him would leave. I suppose now I’m looking for someone who will simply stay.

Is that asking so much?

It’s hard too because I am reminded of the times I’ve been let down before… That familiar feeling of being left behind comes back to me every now and then–just enough to make me feel heartbroken all over again.

Love Love, R

p.s. i love reading your letters, dear readers… they’re lovely and they make my day. i will continue to post and share them here on the site soon! love always.

living in the present

Dear Soulmate,

Yesterday I went up to Vermont to clear out my grandparents’ newly sold house and hopefully clear my mind.

As I sat on the floor of the pantry, delicately wrapping each ornately decorated plate with tissue paper, I began to think about all the beautiful meals that were once served on these plates, then passed around the table where conversation poured as eaisly as the wine.

I became instantly nostaglic for those quintessential New England Thanksgivings in Vermont when my holiday was quite literally dictated by that old song, “over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house we go.”

But with both my grandparents passed away, their home is now just a house and it feels like the party is very much over. And though it hurt with unimaginable pain when my grandfather passed away two years ago, it didn’t quite hurt to go back to his house just one last time.

I walked through the hallways and rooms swept clean of furniture. I tried to find a moment to call my own.

“A new beginning…” I kept saying as I carried boxes out to the U-Haul truck on the curb. “Change is good,” I kept reminding myself.

I’d always feard change, but now I was  unusually comfortable about it. Was I desensitized from thinking anything would last forever? Had I become so insistent upon living in the present that I neglected my past and future altogether?

These thoughts followed me back home to Boston where I crawled into bed under a full moon and wondered why I was even content to belittle my feelings for that wonderful person I met in the summer… writing it off as just a summer romance.

Living in the present can have its drawbacks.

Love Love, R

the first time

Dear Soulmate,

I have never been one to be cautious in love. I’ve been known to lead with my whole heart, leaving my head behind. I’ve learned the hard way that this can sometimes be the equivalent of walking blindfolded into a fire.

So now I am more cautious. I think about how my actions will affect love in the long-term. I hold my tongue when I feel like saying something that might alter the course. And I step back whenever I sense myself becoming attached to someone who might hurt me. In other words, I have become more sensible.

And somehow, I always end up feeling a bit hurt, and a bit resentful that I might never be able to love like I did the first time.

I’ve often been told that you never get over your first love. You get over them. No matter how badly things ended though, you still linger in the magic that was your first time feeling like anything in the world is possible.

I still wonder if I’ll ever be able to love that fearlessly again, drop my gaurd and just take chances without thinking or worrying about where things will end up.

Or, is it better to be sensible when it comes to love?

Love Always, R

turning it around

Dear Soulmate,

I struggled to shake last week’s conversation from my mind this weekend as I stood in the kitchen sipping coffee and debating whether or not to lace up my running shoes to clear my head.

When someone tells you that a guy you honestly believe in “does not deserve you” the aftershock is a bit unsettling. Would it really have been that difficult to just say, “I’m happy for you” instead?

Rather than agonize over last week’s episode anymore, I decided to take on one of my projects instead that usually begin by picking up a pen, a guitar, a paintbrush, a cookbook, or even my laptop and logging into this blog.

I decided to take out my paintbrushes as I realized it had been too long. I scoured the garage for the largest canvas and propped it on the dining room table. I turned the radio on, poured an afternoon glass of white wine and began to paint a sunset that a friend requested I do for one of her friends as a gift.

some afternoons were just made for painting

After the canvas and my sweater were painted in equal parts of sunset hues, I stepped back to admire what I had just created. It was my most aggressive painting attempt in the sense that larger canvases always intimidated me. As it turns out–I actually enjoyed the challenge.

As I washed the brushes in the kitchen, I decided to take on another challenge. This time a culinary one: ravioli. Sounds simple, I know. But as much as I love cooking there are just some things that I shy away from making or attempting out of sheer terror that it will end in complete disaster. My homemade whole wheat sweet potato raviolis ended up perfectly! I can now check homemade pasta off my cooking list of things to do.

Finally, after feeling a bit like Julie from “Julie & Julia” with my culinary challenge complete, I realized that being fearful of things can actually yield some surprising consequences if you face them head on.

So the next time someone leaves me filled with self doubt over a glass of wine at the bar, I will be able to turn it around by confronting them rather than fearing they may be right. Because chances are they aren’t.

Cheers and Love, R

let love be.

Dear Soulmate,

It’s one of those gray overcast days in Boston, and although the leaves are changing it’s hard to see their beautiful colors under the weight of my thoughts.

I’ve gone back and forth a lot in my thinking these past few days. I realized today that if all I have were those ten days with that perfectly lovely kind of love at the end of summer, I’m happy.

I’m not holding out for him–that was never my intention. I don’t want anymore promises from him, or anyone, saying that the time will be better down the road.

For the moment I need to let love be, and walk away. I’m not giving up on him, I just cannot hold onto something, or anything, right now.

I’ll admit that it’s hard to share the joy of a long-distance love story with others. I always let their judgment cloud my own. When people tell me that things won’t work out, that he doesn’t deserve me, that I should be with someone who wants to be with me, I always rethink our time together–those summer nights and days when we were inseparable and wanting nothing more than to be with one another.

Part of me wants to be able to go to bed at night without thinking about him or anyone. How simple that would be.

Love Love, R

“because if a guy wants to be with you…”

Dear Soulmate,

If you’re in your early twenties then you already know that it is a roller-coaster.

Tonight I went out for drinks with an old friend. Over a glass of pinot noir I divulged my latest plans, my reasons for not wanted to settle in New York City and a little about a man who lives half a world away yet somehow managed to take a part of my heart with him.

As I sit here and I write, I am reminded of how discouraged I felt upon coming home and replaying our conversation in my head. He said that New York, where he lives and works, was the place for me. He asked me if I was going to Denver, or “running” to Denver… asking if I was escaping people or memories I would otherwise confront by staying on the east coast.

The truth is that I’ve always wanted to head out West. Why not now? Why not in my early twenties when nothing is settled and it seems to make perfect sense?

And then it occurred to me, as I stood in the doorway brushing my teeth and over analyzing every small detail of our conversation, why do I care what someone else thinks?

As much as I love him as a friend for his company and conversation, how far can one go in letting someone else dictate their own life for them?

I turned out the light and headed to my bedroom where I couldn’t help but open my laptop and write to you, dear Soulmate. Because, what really bothers me most about tonight, was what he said about the person who chose to leave me and go travel…

As our conversation ended he told me, “He doesn’t deserve you–this guy who is out traveling. Because if a guy wants to be with you then he will make the effort, no matter the circumstance, to be with you…”

That last sentence was exactly what my dad said to me about the guy who first broke my heart and, after doing so, left me feeling alone enough to write to someone who may or may not exist–a soulmate, perhaps.

Love Love, R

 

hypothetical

Dear Soulmate,

I’m sitting here, outside Boston now, musing over the past few weeks. I’ve been to New York and D.C, visiting friends and meeting new people. Still, it’s hard to forget those last few weeks of summer… and I keep going back to that hypothetical question: what if?

What if you met someone you instantly connected with and after only knowing them for ten days they board a plane and fly to the furthest point possible–not even in the same hemisphere–and promise to stay in touch.

When I wrote my last blog post here, I received a comment in regards to modern communication and how it detracts from that old fashioned kind of long-distance love. But seeing as this mystery man (the time traveler, as I’ve begun to call him), has limited e-mail access and neither texts nor calls, I can’t help but feel like he doesn’t exist.

As the days pass and the air gets colder, it becomes easier for me to lose sight of the magic that once was us. Is it perhaps because it’s been that long–out of sight out of mind? Or is it because people around me are quick to talk me out of waiting on someone who might never come back? Or is it simply because I’m scared of feeling anything for someone who might not feel the same.

The only thing I can be certain of now, is that it was real.

Love Love, R

sharing love

Dear Soulmate,

Is there anything worse than being in love… and sharing your experiences with others only to have their judgment belittle your own?

I’ve always believed the importance of keeping an open mind and listening to most everyone’s commentary about the things I’m going through. But when it comes to love, I’ve learned to trust my own head and heart. This is why, perhaps, I learned no keep quiet about matters of the heart and choosing only writing it down.

The truth is that other people will keep you grounded. They might sound cynical when they say things might not work out. It’s hard to hold your tongue too and not act discouraged upon hearing them voice their seemingly irrational opinions. It’s ironic too when even the most happily married people doubt the possibility of two people meeting and falling in love.

Shakespeare did write that journeys end in lovers meeting. Can’t it just be that simple? Why does sharing love with others make everything seem so much more complicated?

If you can answer that question then you are much smarter than I.

At the end of the day though, I’ll stand by my conviction that you cannot go wrong when you follow your heart. This is something I know to be true. It’s why I do the things I do–like writing to you and sharing this blog and these words with the world.

Love Always, R

a little love story

Dear Soulmate,

What if you met someone who you felt like you had known your whole life? And what if the attraction and connection was mutual? What if the conversation felt so natural that you felt inclined to immediately call them a good friend? What if you went so far as to  consider the possibility that they might be the one?

Then, after a few days together, what if they told you they were going to the farthest place possible, on the other side of the world, in a completely different hemisphere where you would not even experience the same seasons… would you follow them?

What would you do?

It is quite possible that a story like this exists, is being written and is inspired by real life. Had it been fictional, the hero and herione would still be together–at least in the same time zone.

But I wonder, dear soulmate and readers alike, has this ever happened to you? How much would you give up, how far would you go, what would you do if you knew who you wanted to be with at the end of the day?

I’ll leave these questions open as I muse over such a seemingly unconventional little love story.

Love Love, R

happy anniversary!

Dear Soulmate,

October marks the 2nd year anniversary of this blog. Yes, it’s already been two years since I first began writing to you, and still my biggest regret is that I haven’t written enough.

So much has happened in these past two years. I’ve fallen in and out of love, taken one step forward and two steps back and I’ve even managed to walk away from even the most compromising situations with optimism.

Where am I now? I’m currently sipping tea in Washington D.C. Tomorrow I might hop on a train back to Boston but for the meantime I’m content just to sit here and write.

I have no idea where this crazy journey will take me, or is taking me, but all I know is that I’m getting closer everyday to something wonderful. Perhaps I’ll divulge a wonderful little story to you tomorrow…

It’s a love story.

Love Love, R

coffee and rain

Dear Soulmate,

It’s hard to believe that September is nearly over. Already the days are falling shorter and I can feel winter on the rise.

I spent last week in New York City, running around Central Park, getting lost in the frenzy of the subways and looking for you. I found solace on the benches in the park where messages of love were engraved on golden plaques. It’s always the simple things like reading these dedications that make the madness of even the most energizing city a bit more bearable.

Right now I’m sipping coffee and wondering where you might be. Sometimes I imagine you sitting at your computer in idle thought, other times enraptured in conversation, so removed from your surroundings.

Wherever you are, on this rainy afternoon, I think how wonderful it would be to hear your voice and see you smile.

Missing you, always.

Love Love, R

knock on my door

Dear Soulmate,

As promised, I will share with you a story that I have kept safe and set aside from some of the other wonderful memories I have made in the past few weeks.

It happened on one of those few rare days on the coast of Maine, when the humidity and haze engulf the harbors in blankets of heat that can be felt in warm pockets upon crossing the bay. Despite that it was nearly 95 degrees out, I was dressed in jeans and a white button-down shirt–already prepared for the sun to sink west and take with it the day’s unbearable warmth.

It wasn’t long before I was standing on the dock beside him, holding his hand, waiting to board a boat that would take us to a restaurant on a nearby island.

In what seemed like moments later, we were sitting beside one another, sipping wine and sampling oysters on the half shell. I remember the breeze that lingered in through the open windows of the restaurant, offering a much anticipated relief to an otherwise uncomfortably hot day.

By the time we boarded the boat en route back to the mainland, the stars were sparkling overhead, illuminating the water in dancing specks of lights. He put his arm around me as we sat on the bench by the stern. I remember each moment unfold as easily and comfortably as his fingers interlaced with mine.

A few minutes later, a woman in her mid-60s approached us. She sat down on the vacant seat on the far corner of the bench where we were sitting. Without so much as an introduction, she said, “I just wanted to let you know that you two are beautiful–and you’re beautiful together, beautiful to watch. I couldn’t leave without saying so.”

I ducked out of the spotlight from the overhead stern light to find that not only had we caught her attention, but had been the focal point for most other people on the boat who were staring in our direction in silent agreement.

“Wherever you two go, please knock on my door in a few years–I want to see both of you together again.”

It was a simple statement, but one that I will remember forever.

She ended up giving us her address, and I doubt that him or I have forgotten it.

Love Love, R

a moment at the cove

Dear Soulmate,

I put on my running shoes Monday morning and let the rhythmn of my feet against the dirt road carry me a few miles down toward a familiar cove.

When I arrived, I stood breathless, watching the morning sun spill out over the calm bay. The water appeared smooth and silky in the morning glow that hovered through wispy layers of clouds overhead. I recalled the cove as it was the day before, when the sun was at its highest point in the sky and the rocky beach was decorated with two pinstriped towels–one for me and one for him.

So much has happened in the past few days… so much has changed but so much has stayed the same. I have so many stories to divulge… the first of which I will in the next post.

Cheers and Love Always… Always Love, R

it’s you

Dear Soulmate,

The reason I haven’t been writing as much is because I’m at a loss for words… could I have found you?

The past few days have been a dream… and although I’m scared at the possibility of falling in love again, it could very well be inevitable.

All I can say for now… is that you have to keep believing that it’s out there.

I will write more soon, I promise!

Love Love, R

21st century… love?

Dear Soulmate,

I’ve learned a lot over the past few years. One thing I’ve learned is to beware of emotional attachment.

I recall when I felt something rare for someone a few years ago who then made me feel punished for doing so. Since then, I do not get involved when deep matters of the heart are concerned.

I’ve learned to convince myself that I live with an open heart, when I know deep down its buried under lock and key, hidden behind a barbed wire fence, and shielded over with a layer of bulletproof steel.

On Saturday night, when I found myself dancing in the arms of an intriguing stranger, I knew that nothing would become of it. I knew that the sun would rise the next day and we would resume our lives as though nothing happened. And as quickly and easily as two trains running on opposite tracks, we would lose touch and forget that we ever passed each other in that fleeting moment in time.

So what’s to be done then, when it comes to playing by the rules of this this 21st century love–if there is even such a thing?

I’ve learned to make the most of every intimate encounter, however brief it may be. I’ve learned to relish the moments when I’m held, cherish the times I’ve been kissed and absolutely be swept away in those moments when I am wholeheartedly wanted by someone, however short that time may be–be it a dance across a porch floor at midnight or a morning in someone’s arms.

Because after all… every lit bit of love is something, is it not?

Love Love, R

p.s. one more week until September’s letter will be chosen… have you written yours in yet? write a letter to your soulmate and e-mail it in to letters2soulmate@gmail.com and yours could be featured in the spotlight on your soulmate, your letter

last night

Dear Soulmate,

There was a moment last night… one that I will hold onto for awhile and keep close to heart. It was a lot like falling in love. I was finishing up dishes when he walked in and we had a simple exchange of words.

In a conversation about passions, his eyes lit up as he rattled off a list of things I already knew he loved. The irony is that just this past week I was thinking of him and wondering what he was truly and deeply passionate about. He caught me off guard last night in the kitchen as he seemed to have read my mind.

It feels a lot like love, which has me scared to move… afraid that I will ruin an otherwise near perfect lifelong friendship. I promised myself that I wouldn’t fall for one of my best friends ever again. And in making this vow I naively overlooked the fact that the person who stands beside me for life–a soulmate, perhaps–will inevitably be my best friend.

Before I write too much, I will simply say, dear reader, that I feel inspired again… it’s been a long time coming indeed.

Love Love, R

p.s. share your words

there’s been someone…

Dear Soulmate,

Sometimes you just know. You just know that you want to be with the one who makes you laugh, who brings you peace of mind and who makes you smile at the very thought of them.

There’s been someone in my life who does all these things. Most simply, he makes me feel alive. He lights me up even in the midst of the darkest winter. He’s one of my best friends… someone I run to when I’m most desperate for truth, for comfort and for love.

I saw him this past weekend for the first time in a year… and in a way, I feel like there’s nothing to worry about. It’s strange, too, because as I sit and write to you I’m surrounded by boxes that remind me that a moving date is drawing near. And in the midst of cover letters and resumes, I’m reminded of how unsettled my future is. Even my cat, who endured 13 years with me, could not stay.

But through all this craziness, this unsettled time of my life, I think of him and everything’s okay. I’ll make it through, I know.

Perhaps the most puzzling question that remains is why I haven’t made an effort to be with him… The easiest answer seems to be that experience has taught me to keep my distance.

Love Love, R

when people say “time heals everything”

Dear Soulmate,

I want to address this whole time-heals-everything motto that people seem to have adopted to make themselves believe things will get better.

Because as I was driving back to Boston this afternoon all I could think about was the way it felt to kiss him so many years ago. And then, just as suddenly as the pulse of brake lights filled the lanes of traffic ahead, the thought crossed my mind that I might never get to kiss him again in my lifetime.

An overwhelming wave of sadness came over me and I began to realize that time doesn’t heal anything… it just rearranges things. It rearranges the hurt that I boxed away and carefully labeled as “fragile.”

But tomorrow is of course a new day. And slowly I am moving closer to something, or perhaps someone, who will prove me wrong about my misconception that time doesn’t heal everything.

Love Love, R

p.s. have something to say? send it in a letter to letters2soulmate@gmail.com… your letter could appear here. (a new letter will be selected soon!)

everyone’s looking for love: true or false?

Dear Soulmate,

For the first time in a long time I’m not looking ahead and waiting for something. I’m not anticipating who I might meet around every city block, I’m not sipping wine and wondering where the myriad of possibilities in my mind will take me that evening and I’m not wishing on every shooting star I see, however rare they may be. I’m not waiting for the perfect apartment or the amazing job to just appear in search engines or through a phone call.

I don’t know what lies ahead, and, for the first time I’m okay with that.

The truth is that I’ve always been rushing. I’ve always been looking so far  ahead toward the next step that I lose focus of where I am. So for the first time, there is no next step. I’m just going to let it happen. I’m going to breathe, settle and hold fast to the notion that everything will work out for the best.

The key though, to letting time settle life’s uncertainties like dust in thin air, is to remain happy and optimist… knowing that it will all fall into place eventually.

So know that just because I’m not looking for you does not mean that I won’t find you.

Love Love, R

p.s. check out the currently featured your soulmate, your letter and don’t forget to submit your own. the reason, you ask? because how amazing would it be to connect people from around the world through anonymous love letters?

at the crossroads… of life.

Dear Soulmate,

I’m standing at the crossroads now. In some beautifully unknown direction is the perfect apartment, the dream job and you. Getting there is the hard part.

I’m starting off with nothing but my passion for writing, my unyielding determination and the courage to know that I won’t make too many mistakes.

The crazy thing is that I haven’t yet had time to breathe–to take this all in. As we get older most of us acquire more baggage; some more emotional, others more physical; like houses and children.

This might be the first time I have nothing holding me back, and nothing keeping me here.

Right now, everything is very much up in the air for me and the road ahead looks promising but uncertain. Still, I keep you in the back of my mind, and that is enough to remind me I’m not alone.

Love Love, R

smoothing the edges

Dear Soulmate,

I remember the way he said my name. I remember the songs that he told me reminded him of me. I remember the way he said he missed me. I remembered all these things as I sat at my desk this afternoon and stared blankly at my computer screen.

And then I could feel a wave of sadness wash over me the way the ocean breaks over a rocky coast–pouring into every crevice before withdrawing with the tide once more.

I wonder where love goes when it’s gone.  Two of my favorite quotes are from Washington Irving, who said, “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief… and unspeakable love.”

The other quote is slightly reminiscent of the solitary image of a lonely wave returning to the shore. “Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.”

I thought of these things this weekend as I sat down by the water and watched the waves pour themselves over the seaweed covered rocks. They softened the landscape with their melancholy rhythm.

And so I waited for the tide to soften the sharp edges–as they do to sea glass. After all, whenever something is broken–be it a heart or a piece of glass–it is hardly beautiful at first. But after enough time has passed, the edges get softened and then a beautiful souvenir is revealed.

I’m not quite there yet–just waiting for the edges to smooth.

Love Love, R

songs from a love gone by

Dear Soulmate,

It takes a great deal of poise to navigate the waters of heartbreak with grace. It takes a lot of courage to dare to choose the high road over one paved with bitterness and regret. It takes a lot of growing, learning, leaping and hoping to believe that something beautiful is waiting up ahead.

There was a moment today where I caught myself falling in and out of love with old memories. As I walked to work this morning a song came on the radio… the song–the one I used to sing and dance to once upon a time. It was hauntingly beautiful to hear it again.

Most people have certain songs that bring them back to different places in their lives. But after you lose a friend or a lover, some songs can become emotional landmines, leaving you to quickly change the station for fear of remembering what that love felt like.

I used to hide from this particular song. I deleted it from my iPod, even checked it out of iTunes because I couldn’t bear to see it top the list of “Most Played.”

But today I made a point just to listen to it. Instead of changing the station, I relished the melody just like I used to. And when the song ended, as it always does, I realized that it did not resurface all the old feelings of hurt and loss but rather the simple notion that what I felt was real, and more beautiful than any song.

Love Love, R

p.s. a new “your soulmate, your letter” is up! be sure to check it out

p.p.s. ever had a particular song bring you back to someone? what’s “your” song?

the runner up

Dear Soulmate,

I’ve always been the runner up. It’s true. I’m the girl who is with a guy who, more often than not, is thinking of someone else. I’m the girl who has kissed guys all the while knowing that they are thinking of someone else.

This is not to say that this happens all the time, but most. And I’ll be honest, it gets old.

The worst part is that I’ve never quite been “the one.” I do not mean this in the marriage sense, but just in the satisfied, I’d-rather-be-with-you kind of way. Sometimes all I want is to just be that girl who is, most simply, somebody’s someone.

That’s of course where you come in. Until then though, I’ll be the runner up–which is quite possibly the worst thing to be when it comes to love.

Love Love, R

p.s. while i love love reading through e-mails from readers, i’d love it even more if you’d be willing to share your story on the blog! what does your letter say?