if you believe everything happens for a reason

Dear Soulmate,

Do you believe in fate? If you believe that everything happens for a reason then you spend the majority of your life steered in a direction that’s dictated solely on the premise of it wasn’t meant to be, or it was meant to be.

I’ve failed countless times in my life. In most instances I’ve picked myself up and kept walking, though I might have changed my direction slightly. When it comes to trying the same course over and over, only to fail on repeated attempts, at what point do we say enough is enough?

To put in perspective, I looked at apartments in Boston during the spring. I found one that I liked and made an offer. The offer was declined and I gracefully accepted the defeat as a sign that Boston wasn’t meant to be. I tried New York–where I set my heart on two apartments whose offers both didn’t go through. Now I’m back to square one, left feeling sad and defeated–wondering if I should continue my pursuit to live in New York, or take this week’s experience as a sign to move in another direction.

Maybe it’s selfish to want a cozy apartment in New York City, to want the job that doesn’t necessarily better those around you but adds definition to your own life. Maybe it’s not the path for me.

All I’ve known my whole life is to give, because I’ve been given so much that it only seems natural to help those around me. Who knows what will be in these next few months, or where I will find myself… but one thing is certain, I’ll always be in love… and never will I ever give that up.

Love Love, R

i loved you.

Dear Soulmate,

I loved him. I loved him from the moment I saw him. I still recall the way the weight of the summer air hung around us, trapping the twilight long enough for us to call it ours. For a few rare moments, the world seemed to stop spinning.

Where is he now? Where did he go? Why did he leave?

I just learned recently that he is considering staying in New Zealand indefinitely. I’ve always felt that New Zealand would be a terrific escape from the hustle and bustle of everyday life in the States. Lately I’ve been all over trying to find that one place where I feel at home.

When the wheels touched down in Denver last week, I wanted to feel a sense of relief as though I had finally arrived in a place where I belong. Last weekend I touched down in San Francisco… with no sense of belonging, nor urge to return.

I’m back in Boston now, finally realizing that home is wherever love is. I’m at a loss for words because I’m in love with someone who might never come back to me… for no other reason than I was not enough to make him stay.

Love Love, R

those who are sensible about love…

Dear Soulmate,

I feel like I’ve been waiting a lifetime… and I’m not exactly sure what for anymore.

I’m out in Denver right now and am enjoying the anonymity of being on Mountain time, as it somehow feels a world away from my life back east. Still though I wonder when exactly will it be my turn for love.

I remember the way he kissed me and took my hand in his as we walked down the main streets of his town. I remember the way he put his arm around sitting on the bench by the harbor. But now those memories are frosted over with the cold reality that he left. For every beautiful memory of love there is always a colder one to follow.

All I’ve learned about love is to live in the present. I know now that I’ll take any small moment that I can, all the while knowing I might never relive it again with that person. I’ve learned never to ask someone to stay, although secretly hoping they might. I’ve compromised my own beliefs about love with those around me–all the while exchanging my passionate ideas with those more practical.

But then an old quote comes back to me… “People who are sensible about love are incapable of it” -Douglas Yates.

This I know to be true.

Love Love, R

 

when people say “time heals everything”

Dear Soulmate,

I want to address this whole time-heals-everything motto that people seem to have adopted to make themselves believe things will get better.

Because as I was driving back to Boston this afternoon all I could think about was the way it felt to kiss him so many years ago. And then, just as suddenly as the pulse of brake lights filled the lanes of traffic ahead, the thought crossed my mind that I might never get to kiss him again in my lifetime.

An overwhelming wave of sadness came over me and I began to realize that time doesn’t heal anything… it just rearranges things. It rearranges the hurt that I boxed away and carefully labeled as “fragile.”

But tomorrow is of course a new day. And slowly I am moving closer to something, or perhaps someone, who will prove me wrong about my misconception that time doesn’t heal everything.

Love Love, R

p.s. have something to say? send it in a letter to letters2soulmate@gmail.com… your letter could appear here. (a new letter will be selected soon!)

“love you ’till the end”

Dear Soulmate,

I miss my grandfather today. I can feel him everywhere.  And if I told you that he was the inspiration behind this blog, then you would know the whole story.

We used to write to each other. Sometimes postcards and letters, other times e-mails. He was a beautiful writer, too. After he passed away I needed someone to write to. I needed to be reminded that writing has and will always be my way of getting through anything.

And so I watched as the seasons changed. The golden hues of autumn soon faded and were dusted with the first snowfall. Then after the snow drifts of winter finally melted from the corners of my window, spring arrived. And still there were no letters from him to fill my mailbox or inbox.

But things change. People come in and out of your life. Often times they leave only the echo of footsteps down the hall. But I am lucky. I have a box of letters, so many beautiful memories, and of course, I have inherited his passion for writing.

And I am writing my next big chapter- one of a different kind of love. And so it is with courage and fearlessless that I embark on my next adventure… one that I hope will lead me to you.

Love Always, R

awaiting spring

Dear Soulmate,

The weather in Boston is finally warming up. The days are becoming longer and the sun feels stronger. I walked through the garden today just to see new flowers being planted and witness the pond refilled once again. The swans have not yet returned- at least not that I could tell. The swan boats are still in the process of being assembled, a reminder that the tourists have not yet made their annual return.

And then there was you- or at least the thought of you that always feels so promising in the spring.

I awoke this morning after having another one of those terrible dreams that easily convinces me that the whole “moving on” from someone is really just a myth. But after my morning coffee and a stroll through the garden, I felt a little happier and a little relieved that there is enough physical distance between us.

But summer was always our season. And I am sure I will see him again this season. But right now I am content to keep summer at bay. I do not want to think about that day when I will smile and let him know how happy I am for him. Because I am. I am happy that he has moved on… everyone deserves that. My time will come, too.

Until then I will simply be awaiting simple things- like the return of the swans.

like finally coming home

Dear Soulmate,

It felt like spring for a moment yesterday. I tilted my head back and closed my eyes, bathing in the sun’s warmth. And unable to leave this moment I had found, I realized how long this past winter has been.

Winter’s are always the hardest without you. The long cold nights and annual holiday season celebrations are always a difficult burden to bear when you are alone.

But for a brief moment yesterday, as I sat alone on a park bench, I could feel loneliness drain out of me like an ebbing tide. And in the absence of my lonliness, I simply closed my eyes and lifted my face into the sun hoping to feel something.

It was a bittersweet feeling, too… like finally coming home but to an empty house. But I realize now that it is time to fill the empty spaces with new faces and make new memories and write new stories. It is time to rearrange and find happiness in new places, and not try to reach back into the past to find what is lost.

I miss him every day. I will always miss him, though. I have become used to the feeling, almost numb from feeling too much.

But wherever the road ahead takes me, I will carry with me the knowledge that I don’t always have to go alone.

Love, R

for a moment

Dear Soulmate,

As I write to you I can see the lights of rush hour traffic move slowly out of the city. The dark blue glow of dusk has settled in the background and another day is almost over.

Times like these I often find myself standing beside my window, looking out to the urban sprawl with crossed arms and wandering eyes. I wonder if I will ever find you.

Times like these remind me of everything he ever said to me. And for a moment I feel like we belong again. For a moment I forgive him for everything. For a moment I wish everything was different- that nothing changed, that we never grew up, that I still believed in things like stars to wish upon.

But there are no stars here in Boston- at least none that I can see from my window. I could wait forever though to find them if I knew my wishes would come true.

Because I still remember everything. I remember the way the moonlight fell upon the ocean, and into his eyes. And I remember how I fell, too.

And the irony about everything…

…is that he never knew any of this.

And now that he has found someone new, everything feels smoothed over- like the past never mattered. Like the next time we will see one another, he will have forgotten how he let me walk away after a lifetime of collecting memories. He will have forgotten about the call he never made when my grandfather passed away.

And I will look at him and smile and say “I’ve been good, thanks,” if he ever asked.

R

i’ll be thinking about you

Dear Soulmate,

I wish I could tell you that it has been easier now- knowing that everyone around me is moving on. I wish I could tell you that I, too, am moving forward into some future where I will find you. But every morning as I get lost in the shuffle of commuters, newspapers, and cups of coffee, the more I feel like I am standing still.

But then I realize, the only person who can change this… is me.

I know things will be easier when the days get longer and the sun shines brighter. Optimism will be easier to find when the oppressive weight of the colder seasons are lifted once and for all.

And in the meantime, I’ll be thinking about you.

I think about all the places I want to go with you… from foreign cities to your own backyard. I think about all the laughs we will share and the dreams we will build together.

When I think of these things I find hope in the most unexpected places. I smile and feel lighter in my steps, knowing all the while that each one is moving me closer to you.

And for anyone who has been hurt and feels broken in places they never thought possible, know that better days will come.

How do I know this?

Because if they didn’t, life would not be worth living?

All my love, R

a letter of hope to the heartbroken

Dear Soulmate,

On Saturday I drove up to Maine to visit a friend at college. Our relationship had suffered a falling out last summer, but she  finally came around, absent of an apology, when one of my grandparents passed away in the fall. Still, it is bittersweet to see people who so easily forget how they hurt you in the past. Regardless, I drove up to see her because I believe in the goodness in her, as I do with most people.

One of the first things she told me was that the love from my past has a girlfriend now… he has never had a girlfriend before in the same way that I have never had a boyfriend. It is difficult to put into words how I felt- too many emotions, to say the very least.

At first I felt a tremendous amount of sadness that he had moved on, and anger that my friend would so casually mention this to me without the expectation that it may hurt me. But then I realized the apparent and incredible distance between me and others who I thought I was close to.

As I drove back to Boston that afternoon I felt similar to Tom Hanks in Cast Away… alone and adrift on a raft out at sea. But I realize now that it’s time to do some rearranging of my own.

This is not to say that my days are suddenly much brighter- I still find it difficult to smile and I have trouble sleeping. I turned off my phone for a few days and snapped at my sister for not empathizing with my situation, and for not feeling for things as deeply as I. But I know now that a huge part of what I am going through is not being able to express my thoughts with others.

The reason my friend so casually mentioned his new girlfriend was not out of spite, it was because she had not known- I had never opened up to her to express how I really felt about things that hurt me. And the love from my past never really knew how I had felt about him either- how much I cared about him, and how much I loved the world through his eyes and wanted to be a part of it. If he did things may have been different.

The lesson I have learned though is one that people can tell you a thousand times, even your own mother, but you do not believe it until you finally experience it for yourself.’

It is cliche but simple: you don’t have to be alone.

I used to find comfort in my isolation… now I find agony. It’s a difficult lesson to learn, but I have always believed that people are the enemy- that they are the ones responsible for my pain and for hurting me. I used to think that I would never be betrayed if I could not trust.

I also used to think that I had to carry the burden of holding onto things… because I feared no one else would. And if no one else would then they would be forgotten. And through all of this I was always afraid that people would somehow be so busy moving on with their own lives, that they would forget about me. And that is how I felt upon learning about my past love’s girlfriend.

But I realize now that this is not the case. I know now that you are responsible for yourself.. and in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

You are stronger than you think and wiser than you believe.

Love, R

p.s. peace, love, breathe, hope

on top of the world

Dear Soulmate,

How do you forget the way it felt to kiss someone, to touch them, to love them? When do you wake up and forget the way it used to be when your life felt complete and whole, a perfect harmony of happiness and bliss?

How do you forget the way it felt to be on top of the world?

Probably the worst advice that has ever been given by anyone is “move on.” The words slip so easily from the mouths of those we love, even the mouths of those who we’ve kissed in the most intimate of moments. But what happens when someone you have been so completely in love with, tells you to “move on”

Where to, I might ask?

Cold Sunday mornings like today make me wake feeling discomforted by the fact that I have simply gotten used to being out of that kind of beautifully wholesome love. What people really mean when they say, “move on,” is simply just don’t look back. The moment you look behind at how good you once felt in your past is the moment where the present feels incomplete.

So without looking back I get through the days, looking ahead to you instead. But still I cannot forget where I’ve been.

And I wonder still, is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

All my love, R

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