would you rather: relive your first love or know what you know now?

Dear Soulmate,

Lately, I’ve been wandering in love. I’ve been in love three times in my life, which to me seems to be a lot. Each time has been monumental and has changed me in ways I couldn’t have predicted.

I’m happily in love now. But sometimes I wonder what it might have been like if other roads I’ve traveling in love didn’t become dead ends. I wonder what it’d be like to be face to face with someone I was once in love with, now that years have passed and we’ve grown apart, and possibly grown to become different people.

I’ve lived my life believing that love is recycled–that everyone is a product of their previous experience in love. Everyone learns to adapt differently in love. You learn to compromise, to mature, to communicate, and to react to situations with hopefully more grace. And physically, you know yourself better and you’ve had more experience with others in and out of the bedroom. You know what feels good, and you can recall with often precise clarity what certain touches used to make your previous partner react. You learn to adjust to your new partner’s reaction.

It’s bittersweet to believe that nothing is as pure and innocent as that first love when everything was new and untouched. It was unchartered territory. You didn’t know any better. You had nothing to compare him or her to.

So now I ask, would you rather go back to that first love feeling, or would you prefer to have the experience you know now in love?

Love Love, R

love and history

Dear Soulmate,

He walks in the room and I immediately start smiling. He talks and I laugh. He kisses and I love.

That’s how effortlessly and easy these past eight months have been, falling into that kind of loud love that quietly unravels you. He is the first thing I think about now when I wake up, and the last thing that crosses my mind before bed.

One night as we sat up late on my couch talking, I remember saying something about how love doesn’t let you go–about how once you’ve loved someone enough, it will always stay with you, even if you’ve moved on. Sure, it is to varying different degrees, but I would argue it’s always there.

To my surprise, he agreed with my theory. In that moment I couldn’t tell whether I liked his response. Did I like that he would always love me even after it’s over? Of course. But would I prefer for his love not to follow those other girls from his past? Perhaps.

What I did realize then and there was that he had a past–something that makes any romantic dizzy with the notion of all the memories, the scents, the places, the late nights, the phone calls, the photographs, the stolen covers, the rainy nights, the car rides, the music, and so much more that lovers inevitably share.

I have to get over these things. I have to come to terms that everyone who has loved and has been loved has a rich history.

I know I have one. And without history, what kind of lovers would we be?

Love Love, R

“i hope he’s a really good guy”

Dear Soulmate,

“I hope he’s a really good guy.”

That’s what he wrote to me last week after learning over e-mail that I found someone new. That’s what he wrote from New Zealand to New York.

I sat at my computer, watched the rain fall outside my apartment window, hoping that he would say more than that.

And is he a good guy?

Yes. But this morning he lied about something and the trust between us wavered. I turned over in bed, putting my back to him. He tried to kiss me. He tried to make up for his mistake. He tried to apologize.

Somehow though, his apologies went unanswered, echoing down the long hallway of regret.

We had a cup of coffee and walked to the subway.

I didn’t have much to say this morning. I’m tired and disappointed. I want more than ever to send an e-mail to New Zealand from New York, saying you are the one who has me so completely. You are the one who has me thinking of you on this cold, rainy sidewalk on 7th Avenue, looking into the eyes of someone I do not feel as strongly for.

But I won’t send an e-mail, maybe just this post out into the void, hoping that someone somewhere will believe in love amidst all this noise.

I walked back to my apartment, climbed the stairs to my door. I feel alone again, halfway around the world from love.

Love Love, R

a moment at the cove

Dear Soulmate,

I put on my running shoes Monday morning and let the rhythmn of my feet against the dirt road carry me a few miles down toward a familiar cove.

When I arrived, I stood breathless, watching the morning sun spill out over the calm bay. The water appeared smooth and silky in the morning glow that hovered through wispy layers of clouds overhead. I recalled the cove as it was the day before, when the sun was at its highest point in the sky and the rocky beach was decorated with two pinstriped towels–one for me and one for him.

So much has happened in the past few days… so much has changed but so much has stayed the same. I have so many stories to divulge… the first of which I will in the next post.

Cheers and Love Always… Always Love, R

it’s you

Dear Soulmate,

The reason I haven’t been writing as much is because I’m at a loss for words… could I have found you?

The past few days have been a dream… and although I’m scared at the possibility of falling in love again, it could very well be inevitable.

All I can say for now… is that you have to keep believing that it’s out there.

I will write more soon, I promise!

Love Love, R

there’s been someone…

Dear Soulmate,

Sometimes you just know. You just know that you want to be with the one who makes you laugh, who brings you peace of mind and who makes you smile at the very thought of them.

There’s been someone in my life who does all these things. Most simply, he makes me feel alive. He lights me up even in the midst of the darkest winter. He’s one of my best friends… someone I run to when I’m most desperate for truth, for comfort and for love.

I saw him this past weekend for the first time in a year… and in a way, I feel like there’s nothing to worry about. It’s strange, too, because as I sit and write to you I’m surrounded by boxes that remind me that a moving date is drawing near. And in the midst of cover letters and resumes, I’m reminded of how unsettled my future is. Even my cat, who endured 13 years with me, could not stay.

But through all this craziness, this unsettled time of my life, I think of him and everything’s okay. I’ll make it through, I know.

Perhaps the most puzzling question that remains is why I haven’t made an effort to be with him… The easiest answer seems to be that experience has taught me to keep my distance.

Love Love, R

heartbroken.

Dear Soulmate,

When you meet me you won’t have a chance to meet my cat Tigger. I met him when I was 9 years old and he was my best friend for 13 beautiful years.

This morning I woke up and knew there was something different about the way the daylight hesistated to slide through the slats of my blinds. It was a long night. I knew he was leaving today… I just didn’t want to believe it.

After I showered I went upstairs to find him on his chair, where had been curled up for almost two days. I scooped him up and held him like I’ve done so many times before.

And then, in what felt like minutes later, I was walking aimlessly through Boston’s city streets on my way to work. And he was gone, forever.

It sounds crazy, I know, to mourn the loss of an animal. But the relationship you develop with a pet can be more intimate in some ways than those you develop with people–they see you at your most vulnerable, when your guard is down, when you’re in clothes you wouldn’t be caught in public wearing, and of course they watch your morning routine–a sacred, most personal ritual that if anyone else were caught watching, would feel intrusive.

There is a tremendous vacancy in my heart tonight as I write. And so I wonder, again, what happens when love is lost? If only I could keep it someplace safe and hold onto it, forever.

Love Love, R

when people say “time heals everything”

Dear Soulmate,

I want to address this whole time-heals-everything motto that people seem to have adopted to make themselves believe things will get better.

Because as I was driving back to Boston this afternoon all I could think about was the way it felt to kiss him so many years ago. And then, just as suddenly as the pulse of brake lights filled the lanes of traffic ahead, the thought crossed my mind that I might never get to kiss him again in my lifetime.

An overwhelming wave of sadness came over me and I began to realize that time doesn’t heal anything… it just rearranges things. It rearranges the hurt that I boxed away and carefully labeled as “fragile.”

But tomorrow is of course a new day. And slowly I am moving closer to something, or perhaps someone, who will prove me wrong about my misconception that time doesn’t heal everything.

Love Love, R

p.s. have something to say? send it in a letter to letters2soulmate@gmail.com… your letter could appear here. (a new letter will be selected soon!)

everyone’s looking for love: true or false?

Dear Soulmate,

For the first time in a long time I’m not looking ahead and waiting for something. I’m not anticipating who I might meet around every city block, I’m not sipping wine and wondering where the myriad of possibilities in my mind will take me that evening and I’m not wishing on every shooting star I see, however rare they may be. I’m not waiting for the perfect apartment or the amazing job to just appear in search engines or through a phone call.

I don’t know what lies ahead, and, for the first time I’m okay with that.

The truth is that I’ve always been rushing. I’ve always been looking so far  ahead toward the next step that I lose focus of where I am. So for the first time, there is no next step. I’m just going to let it happen. I’m going to breathe, settle and hold fast to the notion that everything will work out for the best.

The key though, to letting time settle life’s uncertainties like dust in thin air, is to remain happy and optimist… knowing that it will all fall into place eventually.

So know that just because I’m not looking for you does not mean that I won’t find you.

Love Love, R

p.s. check out the currently featured your soulmate, your letter and don’t forget to submit your own. the reason, you ask? because how amazing would it be to connect people from around the world through anonymous love letters?

at the crossroads… of life.

Dear Soulmate,

I’m standing at the crossroads now. In some beautifully unknown direction is the perfect apartment, the dream job and you. Getting there is the hard part.

I’m starting off with nothing but my passion for writing, my unyielding determination and the courage to know that I won’t make too many mistakes.

The crazy thing is that I haven’t yet had time to breathe–to take this all in. As we get older most of us acquire more baggage; some more emotional, others more physical; like houses and children.

This might be the first time I have nothing holding me back, and nothing keeping me here.

Right now, everything is very much up in the air for me and the road ahead looks promising but uncertain. Still, I keep you in the back of my mind, and that is enough to remind me I’m not alone.

Love Love, R

smoothing the edges

Dear Soulmate,

I remember the way he said my name. I remember the songs that he told me reminded him of me. I remember the way he said he missed me. I remembered all these things as I sat at my desk this afternoon and stared blankly at my computer screen.

And then I could feel a wave of sadness wash over me the way the ocean breaks over a rocky coast–pouring into every crevice before withdrawing with the tide once more.

I wonder where love goes when it’s gone.  Two of my favorite quotes are from Washington Irving, who said, “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief… and unspeakable love.”

The other quote is slightly reminiscent of the solitary image of a lonely wave returning to the shore. “Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.”

I thought of these things this weekend as I sat down by the water and watched the waves pour themselves over the seaweed covered rocks. They softened the landscape with their melancholy rhythm.

And so I waited for the tide to soften the sharp edges–as they do to sea glass. After all, whenever something is broken–be it a heart or a piece of glass–it is hardly beautiful at first. But after enough time has passed, the edges get softened and then a beautiful souvenir is revealed.

I’m not quite there yet–just waiting for the edges to smooth.

Love Love, R

songs from a love gone by

Dear Soulmate,

It takes a great deal of poise to navigate the waters of heartbreak with grace. It takes a lot of courage to dare to choose the high road over one paved with bitterness and regret. It takes a lot of growing, learning, leaping and hoping to believe that something beautiful is waiting up ahead.

There was a moment today where I caught myself falling in and out of love with old memories. As I walked to work this morning a song came on the radio… the song–the one I used to sing and dance to once upon a time. It was hauntingly beautiful to hear it again.

Most people have certain songs that bring them back to different places in their lives. But after you lose a friend or a lover, some songs can become emotional landmines, leaving you to quickly change the station for fear of remembering what that love felt like.

I used to hide from this particular song. I deleted it from my iPod, even checked it out of iTunes because I couldn’t bear to see it top the list of “Most Played.”

But today I made a point just to listen to it. Instead of changing the station, I relished the melody just like I used to. And when the song ended, as it always does, I realized that it did not resurface all the old feelings of hurt and loss but rather the simple notion that what I felt was real, and more beautiful than any song.

Love Love, R

p.s. a new “your soulmate, your letter” is up! be sure to check it out

p.p.s. ever had a particular song bring you back to someone? what’s “your” song?

one morning in maine

Dear Soulmate,

I woke up today to one of those beautifully quiet mornings in Maine. It was the kind of morning where the fog hovers over distant islands and enraptures them in mist.

As I was out running I couldn’t help but imagine them unveiled in the afternoon sun, their rich green coloring reflecting against the contrast of the blue sea. In my head I made out imaginary inlets and peninsulas, although I have memorized each point of every distant island by heart. In the fog though, you can create your own scene as if the horizon offers a blank canvas for you to paint upon.

This is when I think of you. There are so many uncertainties up ahead. I have no idea when and where or even if you will come into my life. I can only imagine the possibilities, where each road may lead. I cannot anticipate the moment when the fog will lift and I will see things more clearly.

But I am certain that it will. Just as the fog burns off into a more beautiful day–the sea dotted once more with triangular sails–there is the certainty that something beautiful lies in the unknown.

The secret is being content enough in the present not to the let the beauty of even a gray morning, leave you feeling like the future will be absent of color.

Love Love, R

p.s. be sure to check out your soulmate, your letter page soon for an upcoming letter! more words are on their way!

the runner up

Dear Soulmate,

I’ve always been the runner up. It’s true. I’m the girl who is with a guy who, more often than not, is thinking of someone else. I’m the girl who has kissed guys all the while knowing that they are thinking of someone else.

This is not to say that this happens all the time, but most. And I’ll be honest, it gets old.

The worst part is that I’ve never quite been “the one.” I do not mean this in the marriage sense, but just in the satisfied, I’d-rather-be-with-you kind of way. Sometimes all I want is to just be that girl who is, most simply, somebody’s someone.

That’s of course where you come in. Until then though, I’ll be the runner up–which is quite possibly the worst thing to be when it comes to love.

Love Love, R

p.s. while i love love reading through e-mails from readers, i’d love it even more if you’d be willing to share your story on the blog! what does your letter say?

say what you need to say

Dear Soulmate,

I’ll admit I used to play mind games. I used to tell guys exactly the opposite of what I was really feeling for them. I used to run from them when all I really wanted was to run to them. I used to shrug off the idea of love, talking only about it in casual conversation. I used to do all these things as a way of protecting myself and my heart.

Little did I know that I was only hurting myself.

If you’ve ever been one to say the opposite of what you feel, had too much pride to admit to someone that they’ve hurt you, then I can pass along something I learned this weekend that has changed the way I look at love.

I woke up this morning to a blinding summer sun that streamed in through my bedroom window. I squinted to open my eyes to the reality of my hangover. And then I felt a familiar feeling of hurt that I thought I had boxed away and put into the attic of my mind, never to be opened again.

For anyone who has been keeping up with these letters, it’s no suprise that I have been hurt in the past. Most people have. I always reason that it’s not shameful because it demonstates the depths of your feelings.

And in the lingering haze of my Sunday morning, I decided to lace up my running shoes to clear my head–my favorite remedy for a mental hangover.

As I ran down the dirt road alongside the ocean, I thought about Saturday night. A friend of mine who I’ve shared a few crazy nights with recently brushed me aside in a cold-shoulder kind of way for no reason… to the point where he didn’t even say goodnight to me. It was a vast departure from the night before.

I felt frustrated, cheated, and the worst of ALL feelings–that makes me cringe to even think about, let alone type–used. More importantly, I began to reevaluate him as a friend. I started to wonder if he was actually one of those guys–the kind who checks girls, even those he’s friends with, off their list and then ignore.

But rather than muse over this any longer I decided to confront him. As it turns out he nearly beat me to it. He said he regretted last night and before he spoke any further I said I appreciated that he confronted me. And then I told him that I deserved to be treated a lot better than that, and that I am not mad at him, but rather simply relieved he’s not that mean of a person. When he apologized I immediately felt stronger.

As cliche as it sounds… Saturday night proved to be such a little episode that taught me so much. It is the most rewarding feeling in the world to stand your ground, say how you feel, and know that you are in control of your heart.

It is with unreserved enthusiasm that I write this letter to you now… letting you know that all these little experiences are going to lead me to you.

Love Love, R

p.s. my advice to you, dear readers, whether you are simply having a fun short-lived fling, or are in a lifelong marriage, say what you need to say… i promise you’ll be happy when you do!

was it you?

Dear Soulmate,

Is it possible to be in love with someone who you know nothing about? This very question is perhaps the heart and soul of these letters–the constant wondering if it is possible to put your love on hold for someone who might never show up.

While I don’t always believe in love at first sight, I believe in chemistry at first sight. I have always believed that I will know who I am supposed to be with simply by that instant connection.

It’s rare, it doesn’t come around often, and it often leaves me speechless whenever I encounter it. It’s that pinnacle moment when you know your life is suddenly and drastically about to change (and hopefully for the better, I might add).

I wonder now, as I write this letter, if anything will become of that stranger I saw down at the pier on Saturday night… we will see!

Love Love, R

just go with it

Dear Soulmate,

Of all the things I’ve learned in the past few months, I have found the most valuable lesson when it comes to life and love is to simply just go with it.

Love takes some crazy turns, and I’ll admit that I have most always tried to prepare myself for them. In the past I tried to protect myself from being hurt by never admitting to someone how I felt for them. I denied my heart at the expense of it being broken. I denied someone the opportunity to be really and wholly loved. And in my active pursuit to prevent myself from being hurt, I ended up hurting myself even more.

Since then I have tried so desperately not to attach myself to people. I kiss without thinking anything of it, and I go out to dinner with guys with no expectation of doing anything more. I try my best to control the way I feel for someone.

But recently, I have learned that it is best not to overanalyze matters of the heart. Love is dangerously unpredictable and can chart a vast course that will take you to some unexpected places. Don’t wonder where the road will lead, or what each kiss means. Just take everything as it comes and simply go with it.

When you do this I have a sneaking suspiscion that love will somehow take care of the rest.

Love Love Always, R

opposites attract?

Dear Soulmate,

It’s often been said that we all look like we feel. It’s been sung before in lyrics, and written down in poetry. I even heard a radio announcer brush by the topic today in between playing songs. I never really gave much thought to this idea until now…

Last weekend was one of those rare weekends that come around only so often. I saw some old friends who I hadn’t seen in a year and I was back home again. I was quickly seduced by the fog on the bay, the late afternoon sun on the lawn and those stars–those breathtakingly mesmerizing stars that have witnessed so much yet said so little.

There is something about summertime that makes me feel alive again. This idea that we look like we feel reminds me that happiness attracts happiness. It is a basic principle that took me awhile to understand: if you look and feel happy, you will attract that kind of energy into your life.

The catch is that this isn’t always easy. In one of my favorite books, The Time Traveler’s Wife, author Audrey Niffenegger writes: “Don’t you think it’s better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?”

What do you think?

Happiness isn’t always easy. But when it does come around, in small bursts or for a long-term stay, it is richly rewarded.

Going back to this idea that we all look like we feel, I can honestly say that when I am beaming with happiness, good things happen. Positivity is what it’s all about.

And who said opposites attract?

Love Love, R

i’ll be seeing you/in all the old familiar places

Dear Soulmate,

There are certain people and places that bring you back to yourself–that ground you and make you feel whole once again.

Last night I caught up with an old summertime friend over dinner and a bottle of wine. I hadn’t seen her in nearly a year so we had more than enough to talk about. The more we fell deeper into conversation and laughter, the more I felt like I was coming home.

I cannot articulate the feeling I get when I reunite with old friends from home. It’s strange and beautiful to be overwhelmed with a kind of happiness and love that seems to sweep away all the wintertime cobwebs that tangle my heart in its coldness and solitude–leaving me feeling lost and vulnerable.

And just when I feel at a loss for words, I am swept off my feet by the feeling of going home. It’s really a love affair I have with this echanting place where I return to every summer.

Home has a way of bringing you back to yourself. Whenever I feel lost, I find myself there.

There is something so rich and rewarding about returning home after a long year away. Reuniting with familiar faces, running down my favorite dirt road, tasting the salt on my skin and feeling the weight of the summer sky overhead remind me that anything is possible. And I wonder now, as I write, is it possible to be seduced by a place? I think so.

But even more than that, it is completely and wholly possible to be seduced by love.

Love Love, R

p.s. I had to change my ringtone (for perhaps the third time in my life) to Mat Kearney’s “Closer to Love.” Why? Because that’s the song I love listening to most when I drive home. Kind of an odd thing to do, but isn’t it crazy that something as simple as a ringtone can bring you such happiness sometimes?

on writing to you

Dear Soulmate,

I keep coming back to an e-mail that I received last summer from a reader. As I read through the lengthy letter, I paused when I came to the question: how do you keep up such optimism and faith in love?

Even now, 10 months later, I find myself coming back to that line and it puzzles me still.

After I read that e-mail, I closed my laptop and headed out for coffee. I remember seeing a friend and sitting down with her at one of the picnic tables outside. As she casually flipped through her magazine I asked her if she believed in soulmates. ‘No’ she said, most simply, as she flipped over a new page to study the pictures. I sat there and wondered… who am I writing to then?

Feeling both a little lost and hopeless, I reopened my computer to reply to the e-mail that had been circulating in my head all morning. My response ultimately came down to the idea that you have to believe in something.

It’s not always easy, but beliefs are what make things real. I know this much because it is only when they are taken away when you feel something. Only when you believe in someone and they let you down do you feel heartbreak and a loss for words. But still, in spite of everything, you believe in something because it is better to feel hurt than to feel nothing at all.

So it is with sincere optimism that I return to write you again, dear soulmate, in the hope that one day you will reply.

Love Love, R

missing letters

Dear Soulmate,

So here I am. I’m sitting on the floor and writing again. And for the first time in a year, it’s to you. It’s hard to believe that nearly a year has passed since I last opened this blog.

For every thing that has changed in the past few months, every thing has stayed the same. It’s a beautiful irony.

In the absence of my letters to you, I have felt at a loss. There have been so many simple little moments in the past few months that have reminded me that I should pick up where I began, or rather, finish what I started. Writing to you has been perhaps one of the most rewarding experiences. It’s a hopeful kind of fulfillment I get whenever I have the opportunity to sit down and begin a letter with “Dear Soulmate.”

I am so excited to finally post this first letter on the newly designed site. For all the loyal readers, thank you so much for all your kind e-mails and comments. I hope you enjoy the new site’s layout and design! Every thing is still very much how you left it. Please know that you have given me even more incentive to reopen this site. I am forever grateful for that.

There is so so much to write here, and so many stories to share. But first, I’ll ask, would you read me ours?

Love Love, R

p.s. Thank you so much again, dear readers, for your patience as I took some time away from the site. Cheers and happy reading, always. Please enjoy the archives!

send it with love…

Dear Soulmate,

I feel like the whole world is about to come alive… in a way I never thought possible. Looking back it is easy for me to see that falling out of love is another stepping stone on this great journey… to find you.

Today I sat on the floor with a cup of coffee and read through three binders of neatly collected love letters. They were in chronological order and organized from the time when my parents first met until the time they were married.

The two people I read about in those letters are not the two people I have known my whole life. I mean this is in the sense that I have never really put much thought into the way they used to feel for each other, when they were younger, and I was not in their lives.

I have to say that I saw me in these letters… at least a part of me. I could relate to the not-knowing-what-is-going-to happen-next kind of feeling that permeates your twenties. It is a roller coaster of a decade. But they had each other. And that was always enough.

Now I am off to find you… on this crazy journey. And though we may not write to one another as often or mail long-distance love with stamps, I am satisfied that I have already begun my letters to you.

Love, R