would you rather: relive your first love or know what you know now?

Dear Soulmate,

Lately, I’ve been wandering in love. I’ve been in love three times in my life, which to me seems to be a lot. Each time has been monumental and has changed me in ways I couldn’t have predicted.

I’m happily in love now. But sometimes I wonder what it might have been like if other roads I’ve traveling in love didn’t become dead ends. I wonder what it’d be like to be face to face with someone I was once in love with, now that years have passed and we’ve grown apart, and possibly grown to become different people.

I’ve lived my life believing that love is recycled–that everyone is a product of their previous experience in love. Everyone learns to adapt differently in love. You learn to compromise, to mature, to communicate, and to react to situations with hopefully more grace. And physically, you know yourself better and you’ve had more experience with others in and out of the bedroom. You know what feels good, and you can recall with often precise clarity what certain touches used to make your previous partner react. You learn to adjust to your new partner’s reaction.

It’s bittersweet to believe that nothing is as pure and innocent as that first love when everything was new and untouched. It was unchartered territory. You didn’t know any better. You had nothing to compare him or her to.

So now I ask, would you rather go back to that first love feeling, or would you prefer to have the experience you know now in love?

Love Love, R

love and history

Dear Soulmate,

He walks in the room and I immediately start smiling. He talks and I laugh. He kisses and I love.

That’s how effortlessly and easy these past eight months have been, falling into that kind of loud love that quietly unravels you. He is the first thing I think about now when I wake up, and the last thing that crosses my mind before bed.

One night as we sat up late on my couch talking, I remember saying something about how love doesn’t let you go–about how once you’ve loved someone enough, it will always stay with you, even if you’ve moved on. Sure, it is to varying different degrees, but I would argue it’s always there.

To my surprise, he agreed with my theory. In that moment I couldn’t tell whether I liked his response. Did I like that he would always love me even after it’s over? Of course. But would I prefer for his love not to follow those other girls from his past? Perhaps.

What I did realize then and there was that he had a past–something that makes any romantic dizzy with the notion of all the memories, the scents, the places, the late nights, the phone calls, the photographs, the stolen covers, the rainy nights, the car rides, the music, and so much more that lovers inevitably share.

I have to get over these things. I have to come to terms that everyone who has loved and has been loved has a rich history.

I know I have one. And without history, what kind of lovers would we be?

Love Love, R

on love’s rollercoaster

Dear Soulmate,

No one knows why love doesn’t work out. You only know why it does because these are the stories you hear from the people who’ve made it happen.

I’ve been writing this blog for the past three years now. In it I’ve disclosed moments of heartbreak, excitement and doubt that have only confirmed what I’ve always known about love: it’s a rollercoaster.

I went to bed laughing last night beside someone who, ironically, was talking about his fear of rollercoasters. He’s terribly afraid of heights. I laughed as he told me that when he boards a rollercoaster, he insists on sitting in the very first car.

“Is that your way of psyching yourself out and convincing yourself that you’re suddenly unafraid of heights?” I asked.

He nodded and said that he’d rather just confront his fears head on.

I’m not one for rollercoasters, nor amusement parks. But, like most people, I’ve been on a rollercoaster or two. The experience was 80% terrifying and perhaps 20% thrilling in that I remember being overwhelmed with the fluttering sensation of nervous butterflies.

This is perhaps the only way I can describe my experiences in love, as cliche as it might sound.

It’s terrifying to believe that it will work out. To believe that all your work on the uphill climb will lead to a fun, easy, thrilling ride.

I don’t know where I’m going with the guy I’m currently seeing. I’m not in the same kind of passionately consuming love that I’ve been in before. There are different degrees of love. But so far, I’m just enjoying the ride with all its ups and downs.

I just hope though that when you meet me, you take the first car. And don’t forget to smile and throw your hands up in excitement on the way down.

You have to be brave in love.

Love Love, R

looking for the one

Dear Soulmate,

If you found “the One” would you keep looking?

This is the question I’m forced to ask myself as I drift from day to day, thinking about that guy from this summer who felt like the better half of me.

He fit. He fit in my life–in the way few people can; in the past, present and future. I felt at home in his arms and in his eyes. If I got lost or my thoughts ran astray he pulled me back again and reminded me who I am, who I want to be.

It’s scary though. There are always risks involved with love. But this isn’t just any kind of love. It’s a breathtakingly honest kind of love that purifies even the most doubtful, unbelieving heart.

I want him here with me, even though he’s more than half a world away and I haven’t heard from him in months.

I don’t want to keep looking for what I’ve already found…

Love Love, R

if you’re in new york…

Dear Soulmate,

I’m writing to you from a New York bound train where I’m comforted by the movement and passing scenery. Am I the only who feels like anything is possible and within reach on a train to New York?

They say that you go to New York with a dream. Well, mine is nothing shiny and larger than life, yet it still feels out of reach. And, ironically, my dream is not one of love, but of passion instead.

I only wish to follow my heart in such a way that it benefits others as well as myself. I have expectations–great expectations–for myself. The challenge will be living up to them.

I know the city lights of New York will pose a temporary distraction from loneliness, but after living in cities like Boston and Dublin, I know that city life breeds loneliness if you let it. The abrasive edges of a city skyline are cold and foreboding. The shuffling of strangers on sidewalks can remind you that you are more alone than you thought you were.

But I’m not taking loneliness to New York, though I doubt that it won’t find me at some point. The struggle is keeping positive, and knowing that no matter how greatly you’ve loved in the past, there’s still more to give.

If you’re in New York now, or are on your way, keep an open heart. You never know what will find you… or who you’ll meet.

Love Love, R

the first time

Dear Soulmate,

I have never been one to be cautious in love. I’ve been known to lead with my whole heart, leaving my head behind. I’ve learned the hard way that this can sometimes be the equivalent of walking blindfolded into a fire.

So now I am more cautious. I think about how my actions will affect love in the long-term. I hold my tongue when I feel like saying something that might alter the course. And I step back whenever I sense myself becoming attached to someone who might hurt me. In other words, I have become more sensible.

And somehow, I always end up feeling a bit hurt, and a bit resentful that I might never be able to love like I did the first time.

I’ve often been told that you never get over your first love. You get over them. No matter how badly things ended though, you still linger in the magic that was your first time feeling like anything in the world is possible.

I still wonder if I’ll ever be able to love that fearlessly again, drop my gaurd and just take chances without thinking or worrying about where things will end up.

Or, is it better to be sensible when it comes to love?

Love Always, R

sharing love

Dear Soulmate,

Is there anything worse than being in love… and sharing your experiences with others only to have their judgment belittle your own?

I’ve always believed the importance of keeping an open mind and listening to most everyone’s commentary about the things I’m going through. But when it comes to love, I’ve learned to trust my own head and heart. This is why, perhaps, I learned no keep quiet about matters of the heart and choosing only writing it down.

The truth is that other people will keep you grounded. They might sound cynical when they say things might not work out. It’s hard to hold your tongue too and not act discouraged upon hearing them voice their seemingly irrational opinions. It’s ironic too when even the most happily married people doubt the possibility of two people meeting and falling in love.

Shakespeare did write that journeys end in lovers meeting. Can’t it just be that simple? Why does sharing love with others make everything seem so much more complicated?

If you can answer that question then you are much smarter than I.

At the end of the day though, I’ll stand by my conviction that you cannot go wrong when you follow your heart. This is something I know to be true. It’s why I do the things I do–like writing to you and sharing this blog and these words with the world.

Love Always, R

it’s you

Dear Soulmate,

The reason I haven’t been writing as much is because I’m at a loss for words… could I have found you?

The past few days have been a dream… and although I’m scared at the possibility of falling in love again, it could very well be inevitable.

All I can say for now… is that you have to keep believing that it’s out there.

I will write more soon, I promise!

Love Love, R

21st century… love?

Dear Soulmate,

I’ve learned a lot over the past few years. One thing I’ve learned is to beware of emotional attachment.

I recall when I felt something rare for someone a few years ago who then made me feel punished for doing so. Since then, I do not get involved when deep matters of the heart are concerned.

I’ve learned to convince myself that I live with an open heart, when I know deep down its buried under lock and key, hidden behind a barbed wire fence, and shielded over with a layer of bulletproof steel.

On Saturday night, when I found myself dancing in the arms of an intriguing stranger, I knew that nothing would become of it. I knew that the sun would rise the next day and we would resume our lives as though nothing happened. And as quickly and easily as two trains running on opposite tracks, we would lose touch and forget that we ever passed each other in that fleeting moment in time.

So what’s to be done then, when it comes to playing by the rules of this this 21st century love–if there is even such a thing?

I’ve learned to make the most of every intimate encounter, however brief it may be. I’ve learned to relish the moments when I’m held, cherish the times I’ve been kissed and absolutely be swept away in those moments when I am wholeheartedly wanted by someone, however short that time may be–be it a dance across a porch floor at midnight or a morning in someone’s arms.

Because after all… every lit bit of love is something, is it not?

Love Love, R

p.s. one more week until September’s letter will be chosen… have you written yours in yet? write a letter to your soulmate and e-mail it in to letters2soulmate@gmail.com and yours could be featured in the spotlight on your soulmate, your letter

there’s been someone…

Dear Soulmate,

Sometimes you just know. You just know that you want to be with the one who makes you laugh, who brings you peace of mind and who makes you smile at the very thought of them.

There’s been someone in my life who does all these things. Most simply, he makes me feel alive. He lights me up even in the midst of the darkest winter. He’s one of my best friends… someone I run to when I’m most desperate for truth, for comfort and for love.

I saw him this past weekend for the first time in a year… and in a way, I feel like there’s nothing to worry about. It’s strange, too, because as I sit and write to you I’m surrounded by boxes that remind me that a moving date is drawing near. And in the midst of cover letters and resumes, I’m reminded of how unsettled my future is. Even my cat, who endured 13 years with me, could not stay.

But through all this craziness, this unsettled time of my life, I think of him and everything’s okay. I’ll make it through, I know.

Perhaps the most puzzling question that remains is why I haven’t made an effort to be with him… The easiest answer seems to be that experience has taught me to keep my distance.

Love Love, R

when people say “time heals everything”

Dear Soulmate,

I want to address this whole time-heals-everything motto that people seem to have adopted to make themselves believe things will get better.

Because as I was driving back to Boston this afternoon all I could think about was the way it felt to kiss him so many years ago. And then, just as suddenly as the pulse of brake lights filled the lanes of traffic ahead, the thought crossed my mind that I might never get to kiss him again in my lifetime.

An overwhelming wave of sadness came over me and I began to realize that time doesn’t heal anything… it just rearranges things. It rearranges the hurt that I boxed away and carefully labeled as “fragile.”

But tomorrow is of course a new day. And slowly I am moving closer to something, or perhaps someone, who will prove me wrong about my misconception that time doesn’t heal everything.

Love Love, R

p.s. have something to say? send it in a letter to letters2soulmate@gmail.com… your letter could appear here. (a new letter will be selected soon!)

everyone’s looking for love: true or false?

Dear Soulmate,

For the first time in a long time I’m not looking ahead and waiting for something. I’m not anticipating who I might meet around every city block, I’m not sipping wine and wondering where the myriad of possibilities in my mind will take me that evening and I’m not wishing on every shooting star I see, however rare they may be. I’m not waiting for the perfect apartment or the amazing job to just appear in search engines or through a phone call.

I don’t know what lies ahead, and, for the first time I’m okay with that.

The truth is that I’ve always been rushing. I’ve always been looking so far  ahead toward the next step that I lose focus of where I am. So for the first time, there is no next step. I’m just going to let it happen. I’m going to breathe, settle and hold fast to the notion that everything will work out for the best.

The key though, to letting time settle life’s uncertainties like dust in thin air, is to remain happy and optimist… knowing that it will all fall into place eventually.

So know that just because I’m not looking for you does not mean that I won’t find you.

Love Love, R

p.s. check out the currently featured your soulmate, your letter and don’t forget to submit your own. the reason, you ask? because how amazing would it be to connect people from around the world through anonymous love letters?

smoothing the edges

Dear Soulmate,

I remember the way he said my name. I remember the songs that he told me reminded him of me. I remember the way he said he missed me. I remembered all these things as I sat at my desk this afternoon and stared blankly at my computer screen.

And then I could feel a wave of sadness wash over me the way the ocean breaks over a rocky coast–pouring into every crevice before withdrawing with the tide once more.

I wonder where love goes when it’s gone.  Two of my favorite quotes are from Washington Irving, who said, “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief… and unspeakable love.”

The other quote is slightly reminiscent of the solitary image of a lonely wave returning to the shore. “Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.”

I thought of these things this weekend as I sat down by the water and watched the waves pour themselves over the seaweed covered rocks. They softened the landscape with their melancholy rhythm.

And so I waited for the tide to soften the sharp edges–as they do to sea glass. After all, whenever something is broken–be it a heart or a piece of glass–it is hardly beautiful at first. But after enough time has passed, the edges get softened and then a beautiful souvenir is revealed.

I’m not quite there yet–just waiting for the edges to smooth.

Love Love, R

say what you need to say

Dear Soulmate,

I’ll admit I used to play mind games. I used to tell guys exactly the opposite of what I was really feeling for them. I used to run from them when all I really wanted was to run to them. I used to shrug off the idea of love, talking only about it in casual conversation. I used to do all these things as a way of protecting myself and my heart.

Little did I know that I was only hurting myself.

If you’ve ever been one to say the opposite of what you feel, had too much pride to admit to someone that they’ve hurt you, then I can pass along something I learned this weekend that has changed the way I look at love.

I woke up this morning to a blinding summer sun that streamed in through my bedroom window. I squinted to open my eyes to the reality of my hangover. And then I felt a familiar feeling of hurt that I thought I had boxed away and put into the attic of my mind, never to be opened again.

For anyone who has been keeping up with these letters, it’s no suprise that I have been hurt in the past. Most people have. I always reason that it’s not shameful because it demonstates the depths of your feelings.

And in the lingering haze of my Sunday morning, I decided to lace up my running shoes to clear my head–my favorite remedy for a mental hangover.

As I ran down the dirt road alongside the ocean, I thought about Saturday night. A friend of mine who I’ve shared a few crazy nights with recently brushed me aside in a cold-shoulder kind of way for no reason… to the point where he didn’t even say goodnight to me. It was a vast departure from the night before.

I felt frustrated, cheated, and the worst of ALL feelings–that makes me cringe to even think about, let alone type–used. More importantly, I began to reevaluate him as a friend. I started to wonder if he was actually one of those guys–the kind who checks girls, even those he’s friends with, off their list and then ignore.

But rather than muse over this any longer I decided to confront him. As it turns out he nearly beat me to it. He said he regretted last night and before he spoke any further I said I appreciated that he confronted me. And then I told him that I deserved to be treated a lot better than that, and that I am not mad at him, but rather simply relieved he’s not that mean of a person. When he apologized I immediately felt stronger.

As cliche as it sounds… Saturday night proved to be such a little episode that taught me so much. It is the most rewarding feeling in the world to stand your ground, say how you feel, and know that you are in control of your heart.

It is with unreserved enthusiasm that I write this letter to you now… letting you know that all these little experiences are going to lead me to you.

Love Love, R

p.s. my advice to you, dear readers, whether you are simply having a fun short-lived fling, or are in a lifelong marriage, say what you need to say… i promise you’ll be happy when you do!

soul searching

Dear Soulmate,

It is official. I will be spending the fall in Dublin, Ireland! And you, dear reader, will be coming with me on my journey.

Most people go explore abroad to expand their horizons and gain a global perspective. While this is certainly true for me, I am also embarking on a journey of personal growth and soul searching.

To be honest, I am looking for ridiculously inconvienient, unconventional love. And who knows what I may find across the ocean… but I am ready to fly.

For the past year I have felt very much like a plane at the end of the runway awaiting clearance for take off. The adrenaline, the anxiety, the worries, and all the stress seem to melt away on a runway aimed for blue skies. And even though I hate to fly, I am ready to take off.

It would be easy for me to write to you and tell you that part of my reason for wanting to go someplace new is to leave someplace behind. But I feel that that is normal for most people who venture somewhere new. It is not running away necessarily, but rather moving in a different direction that separates you from your past.

I do not want to feel sadness anymore for what could have been. It is beyond that now. I just want to feel alive once more and this world is too beautiful to leave unexplored.

Love, R

the blind date: love is blind?

Dear Soulmate,

I would not call it a blind date, but I may be going out to dinner with someone who my friends all insist I have to meet. This Saturday my friends are arranging a casual group dinner so I can finally be introduced to the guy who they think would be a wonderful match.

And while I would normally jump at any oportunity to meet someone who is deemed a “wonderful match” for me, I am hesitant, comtemplative and feeling more subdued than excited.

The beauty of the situation is that I essentially have nothing to lose, and a potential friend to gain.

But even still, the thought of being romantically involved with someone right now makes my head spin.

There are so many things I do miss about being cared about- and they are simple, too. It is the little moments like when I’m driving and reach to shift gears and feel his hand take mine instead. Or when he pulls me toward him just because he can. Or when, in the midst of all the noise outside, I would look into his eyes and felt the world quiet and heard only silence.

And suddenly, as easily as that, I was so completely lost in love.

And now I am making my way back out of the fog and into the sun once again. Love is blind… but should dates be, too?

Love, R

cast away

Dear Soulmate,

I feel like Tom Hanks in Cast Away tonight, alone at sea, adrift on a raft, looking up at the stars.

It is really over. And it hurts in a way that you do not even feel pain. After all the anger and frustration subside and all the unanswered questions settle like water in a glass, I am motionless. Finally I am peacefully still.

Truthfully, I feel like part of me has died. I feel like something wonderful has been lost and I worry that the void will never be filled. I used to be afraid that if I did not miss him or feel heartbroken that I would not feel anything at all. Now I know that feeling nothing at all is strangely beautiful.

I ran this morning to try to clear my head. I tried to undo all the moments, all the kisses, all the laughs in the afternoon, all the pieces that used to fit. I tried to pull apart the puzzle… and put it back in its box.

And I did just that.

I took out the letters, the CDs, the mementos, even deleted songs off of my iTunes that had built up over time. Time has a way of collecting memories like dust. But now all my souvenirs of my love have been boxed up and tucked away. And I feel empty now, like a sold house without furniture after its occupants leave.

I wish him the best of everything… I do. The days that follow will not be easy. The nights will be long, I know. And this will all take time. But I am not ashamed to say that I am proud of how far we came- every moonlit drive along the coast, every park bench we sat on in the sun, every morning we spent sipping coffee together.

It was all real. And that means everything to me.

Love, R

beach chairs in boston

Dear Soulmate,

I love Boston in the snow. I feel like I own the city. The streets become sidewalks, and I walk down them I feeling like they have been plowed for me.

Alone in my heavy boots, the city belongs once more to the people who live here. Flights are cancelled, tourists are turned away, and the residents of the city can posess their own piece of shoveled pavement by simply unfolding a beach chair to validate their parking space.

I can hear my breath and even see it against the Custom’s tower and the Garden. The Zakim bridge is nearly empty, only minimal traffic moves cautiously across I-93 before sliding below ground and into the tunnel.

Finally, I feel at home.

Today I remembered why I love this city so much. For the first time in a long time, like seeing an old friend, I felt genuine nostalgia for this city. I remembered all the reasons why I had always returned to Boston- why I had always called it home.

I recalled looking out my plane window and watching the Bunker Hill monument disappear through the clouds, and wishing the plane would turn around. I recalled anytime I heard Boston in casual conversation and how my eyes would light up. I recalled how I felt upon seeing signs for Boston in Hartford, Portland, Concord as I made my way back home.

This feeling is a lot like love- the kind you fall into over and over again, unsure if the last time was really that pivotal moment that changed everything.

This feeling is how I will feel about you- like coming home. And in the quiet of a fresh snowfall I will be able to hear you breathe beside me as we leave footprints behind us in the snow.

Love, R

a letter to the single ones

Dear Soulmate,

As I walked through the winding streets of the North End yesterday, in a desperate attempt to shield myself from the ever-invasive, unusually strong wind, I noticed a wet page from a newspaper that stubbornly clung to the sidewalk from the melted snowbanks.

The headline read in bold words, “Can’t buy me love.”

the best things in life are free

And that is exactly what I thought about as I made my way home. How silly and pretentious it is to buy roses and chocoloates as a means of saying “I love you.”

From my experiences in love, I have always felt that the most simple and unexpected gestures are always the most meaningful. Recall that feeling of finding one another’s gaze across a crowded room and smiling. Or when, in the middle of the night, you feel their hand pull yours closer toward them to rest it on their chest. Or even when they unexpectedly put their arms around you from behind as you read the mail in the kitchen.

These gestures all say, ‘I love you.’

And now I realize, as I have gotten used to sleeping alone and standing on my own two feet without the expectation of someone walking beside me, that maybe we have got Valentine’s Day all wrong.

It isn’t about a day for lover’s- for they celebrate Valentine’s Day everyday, and they do so in subtle, beautiful ways. Valentine’s Day is a day to remind people that they, too, will find that kind of love. It is a day for the single ones.

And while you cannot go out looking for love, you can at least open your heart to the possibility.

And no, no one can buy your love- it is too expensive.

Love, R

p.s. write your valentine today: “your soulmate, your letter”

i like you

Dear Soulmate,

How do you go from simply introducing yourself to someone to being in a relationship with them?

I often wonder this when I pass happy couples holding hands and laughing. I suppose the easiest answer to my question would be ‘time.’ But it’s much more than that. It’s a complicated web of emotions, a mind-boggling analysis of body language, a heart-racing interpretation of chemistry, and a host of other factors. 

Though it’s easy to pick up a relationship how-to guidebook or simply observe people’s interactions, I wonder if we are all just putting off the inevitable- just saying, “I like you.”

I look back at all my other realtionships and they have stemmed from a commonality- being at the same place at the same time. The majority of myrelationships were built upon a careful construction of friendship and attraction simply by getting used to that other person.

But I wonder, how many people just bypassed all the courtship and cut right to the chase. Why not just tell someone you are interested in them? I give this advice to my friends all the time- even if they are unaware if he or she already has a girlfirend or boyfriend.

And I wonder, how will we meet? Will it develop over a period of time, while knowing all along that we are right for each other? Or will it be instant? I am not sure which one is better and doubt if one method is more successful over the other.

But rather than delay the inevitable, think about how much easier it would be to just say, ”I think I like you?”

And now, as I consider doing just the same to the boy I have referred to as ‘Thursday,’ I realize how much fun the alternative is.

And so once more I stand hopeful on the edge of love- wondering where it may take me.

Love, R