i loved you.

Dear Soulmate,

I loved him. I loved him from the moment I saw him. I still recall the way the weight of the summer air hung around us, trapping the twilight long enough for us to call it ours. For a few rare moments, the world seemed to stop spinning.

Where is he now? Where did he go? Why did he leave?

I just learned recently that he is considering staying in New Zealand indefinitely. I’ve always felt that New Zealand would be a terrific escape from the hustle and bustle of everyday life in the States. Lately I’ve been all over trying to find that one place where I feel at home.

When the wheels touched down in Denver last week, I wanted to feel a sense of relief as though I had finally arrived in a place where I belong. Last weekend I touched down in San Francisco… with no sense of belonging, nor urge to return.

I’m back in Boston now, finally realizing that home is wherever love is. I’m at a loss for words because I’m in love with someone who might never come back to me… for no other reason than I was not enough to make him stay.

Love Love, R

living in the present

Dear Soulmate,

Yesterday I went up to Vermont to clear out my grandparents’ newly sold house and hopefully clear my mind.

As I sat on the floor of the pantry, delicately wrapping each ornately decorated plate with tissue paper, I began to think about all the beautiful meals that were once served on these plates, then passed around the table where conversation poured as eaisly as the wine.

I became instantly nostaglic for those quintessential New England Thanksgivings in Vermont when my holiday was quite literally dictated by that old song, “over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house we go.”

But with both my grandparents passed away, their home is now just a house and it feels like the party is very much over. And though it hurt with unimaginable pain when my grandfather passed away two years ago, it didn’t quite hurt to go back to his house just one last time.

I walked through the hallways and rooms swept clean of furniture. I tried to find a moment to call my own.

“A new beginning…” I kept saying as I carried boxes out to the U-Haul truck on the curb. “Change is good,” I kept reminding myself.

I’d always feard change, but now I was  unusually comfortable about it. Was I desensitized from thinking anything would last forever? Had I become so insistent upon living in the present that I neglected my past and future altogether?

These thoughts followed me back home to Boston where I crawled into bed under a full moon and wondered why I was even content to belittle my feelings for that wonderful person I met in the summer… writing it off as just a summer romance.

Living in the present can have its drawbacks.

Love Love, R

opposites attract?

Dear Soulmate,

It’s often been said that we all look like we feel. It’s been sung before in lyrics, and written down in poetry. I even heard a radio announcer brush by the topic today in between playing songs. I never really gave much thought to this idea until now…

Last weekend was one of those rare weekends that come around only so often. I saw some old friends who I hadn’t seen in a year and I was back home again. I was quickly seduced by the fog on the bay, the late afternoon sun on the lawn and those stars–those breathtakingly mesmerizing stars that have witnessed so much yet said so little.

There is something about summertime that makes me feel alive again. This idea that we look like we feel reminds me that happiness attracts happiness. It is a basic principle that took me awhile to understand: if you look and feel happy, you will attract that kind of energy into your life.

The catch is that this isn’t always easy. In one of my favorite books, The Time Traveler’s Wife, author Audrey Niffenegger writes: “Don’t you think it’s better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?”

What do you think?

Happiness isn’t always easy. But when it does come around, in small bursts or for a long-term stay, it is richly rewarded.

Going back to this idea that we all look like we feel, I can honestly say that when I am beaming with happiness, good things happen. Positivity is what it’s all about.

And who said opposites attract?

Love Love, R

i’ll be seeing you/in all the old familiar places

Dear Soulmate,

There are certain people and places that bring you back to yourself–that ground you and make you feel whole once again.

Last night I caught up with an old summertime friend over dinner and a bottle of wine. I hadn’t seen her in nearly a year so we had more than enough to talk about. The more we fell deeper into conversation and laughter, the more I felt like I was coming home.

I cannot articulate the feeling I get when I reunite with old friends from home. It’s strange and beautiful to be overwhelmed with a kind of happiness and love that seems to sweep away all the wintertime cobwebs that tangle my heart in its coldness and solitude–leaving me feeling lost and vulnerable.

And just when I feel at a loss for words, I am swept off my feet by the feeling of going home. It’s really a love affair I have with this echanting place where I return to every summer.

Home has a way of bringing you back to yourself. Whenever I feel lost, I find myself there.

There is something so rich and rewarding about returning home after a long year away. Reuniting with familiar faces, running down my favorite dirt road, tasting the salt on my skin and feeling the weight of the summer sky overhead remind me that anything is possible. And I wonder now, as I write, is it possible to be seduced by a place? I think so.

But even more than that, it is completely and wholly possible to be seduced by love.

Love Love, R

p.s. I had to change my ringtone (for perhaps the third time in my life) to Mat Kearney’s “Closer to Love.” Why? Because that’s the song I love listening to most when I drive home. Kind of an odd thing to do, but isn’t it crazy that something as simple as a ringtone can bring you such happiness sometimes?

walk me home

Dear Soulmate,

Just the other night, by coincidence, I ended up downtown in a restaurant across from a bar where my friend was. We walked home together, over the Charles. Though I have enjoyed a Sunday jog with him, numerous sails across the bay, a car drive down to Maryland, and a trip to the beach, something was different about this evening in particular.

He is one of those guys who I am completely comfortable with- the kind of guy who I describe as someone who I could walk for miles beside in uncomfortable shoes and not feel anything.

For the first time in a long time, it felt good just to be in someone’s company. As we were discussing relationships and all that that entails, I mentioned how, unlike my sister, I have too much pride to drunk dial a guy I like. I feel that it gives him the upper hand.

I simply said that “I don’t want him to know that I think about him.”

My friend replied, “What don’t you think about?”

That comment followed me home as we split for our separate ways.

Perhaps I think too much… and maybe that has been what has gotten in the way of really learning to live in the moment.

So my advice to you, dear reader, is to simply just live.

Don’t overanalyze, don’t question. Just learn to walk beside someone without questioning where the road may take you.

Love Always, R

like finally coming home

Dear Soulmate,

It felt like spring for a moment yesterday. I tilted my head back and closed my eyes, bathing in the sun’s warmth. And unable to leave this moment I had found, I realized how long this past winter has been.

Winter’s are always the hardest without you. The long cold nights and annual holiday season celebrations are always a difficult burden to bear when you are alone.

But for a brief moment yesterday, as I sat alone on a park bench, I could feel loneliness drain out of me like an ebbing tide. And in the absence of my lonliness, I simply closed my eyes and lifted my face into the sun hoping to feel something.

It was a bittersweet feeling, too… like finally coming home but to an empty house. But I realize now that it is time to fill the empty spaces with new faces and make new memories and write new stories. It is time to rearrange and find happiness in new places, and not try to reach back into the past to find what is lost.

I miss him every day. I will always miss him, though. I have become used to the feeling, almost numb from feeling too much.

But wherever the road ahead takes me, I will carry with me the knowledge that I don’t always have to go alone.

Love, R

friday night shuffle

Dear Soulmate,

What do Fridays mean to you?

Do you like to unwind after a long week at a bar, at home or somewhere difficult to get to that requires a long distance drive?

In a recent news report I read how people’s personalities can be broken down simply by the things they Google. I figure that people’s typical Friday night plans perhaps reveal the same about them.

Even when I don’t go out on a Friday, there is enough energy around me to make me feel that I have. Traffic streams into the city, pouring into the one-way streets and melding into strips of red and white lights down the city’s more busier routes.

With the holidays quickly approaching, the incentive to see Boston in all its seasonal decor only heightens.

It is easy to get lost in the busy shuffle of people coming and going, like standing in a crowded airport terminal.

Sometimes just walking through the city at this time of year on Friday nights feel very much like Christmas eve. There is a hint of promise and excitement that hangs off the bare tree branches, threaded with strings of dazzling lights. There is something optimistic in the way skaters glide around the common’ s rink, moving together in the same circular direction.

It’s comforting to say the least- like seeing an old friend again. And it’s a lot like being in love.

Finally, as I sit here and write to you,  the sun has finally poured its rays onto the rain slicked streets. After days of being blanketed by a drenching rain and dark clouds, its long overdue appearance is most definitely welcomed.

I hope you have a wonderful Friday, whatever your plans may be. If I don’t see you then just know that I always wish you the best of everything in the world.

Love, R