am i crazy?

Dear Soulmate,

It’s cold here in Boston now. The streets are blanketed with snow that finally fell after swirling around on the backs of frigid gusts that have finally quieted.

Christmas has passed now, without any word from someone half way around the world who meant everything to me for ten beautiful days this summer. I still can’t stop thinking about him.

Should I feel hurt? Should I feel neglected that the holidays passed without hearing from him? Or should I just accept that he left and we’ve fallen out of touch.

I miss him. I remember how he told me that I gave him something to come back to. Now I’m not sure he’ll ever come back from New Zealand. I want to cry. I want to crawl into my bed and forget I met someone so wonderful who was so good to me, for such a short time. I want to start over.

My parents and friends are surprised that I haven’t spoken to him in months. I’ve defended him and said that he’s difficult to get in touch as he’s been traveling. He doesn’t have very much Internet access, and he doesn’t have a phone.

But in the quiet moments I keep to myself, I wonder if I’m crazy for giving him so much slack. They say if you love someone that you should let them go. But if this is all I do–all I’ve ever done–will I ever find love that really lasts?

…Something to think about.

Love, I suppose, R

i wish i had a river i could skate away on

Dear Soulmate,

Sometimes I feel like Joni Mitchell’s “River” says all there needs to be said about winter. I’m watching the snow twirl around outside my bedroom window and feeling so homesick for summer, a time when the world was alive and in bloom. Now, all is quiet, silenced under the weight of freshly fallen snow that buries the tracks of summers barefoot steps.

On gray days like these in Boston, I feel like Joni Mitchell when I say that I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

I close my eyes and remember little moments, little memories of love. I remember the way his hands felt in mine, how they fit so beautifully as through they were made for each other. I remember the way he introduced me by my full name to his father. I blushed and smiled.

I remember the way we painted his mother’s shed. I stood in his clothes covered with splotches of white paint on my tanned bare arms and legs. I laughed as we drove to the lake in the afternoon heat. I watched him dive headfirst from the rocky cliff into the water below. I stood in my bathing suit with my hands on my hips, hesitant about jumping into water whose depth seemed uncertain. Still, I dove in anyway, testing the waters. When I surfaced we both laughed and he pulled me toward him under the water.

When I write, he comes back to me. Little moments like these held in time. It’s all I can ask for on days like these when I only wish I had a river I could skate away on… and be brought back to you.

Love Love, R

holiday overload?

Dear Soulmate,

What is it about the holidays that makes people feel compelled to compete for the most spirit as if it were a contest? With so many traditions, is it necessary to complete them all? The most obvious answer is no.

Call me the Grinch or a Scrooge but my idea of Christmas is not wrapped in shiny paper nor muddled in all the chaos of the traditions.

From gingerbread houses, decorated trees, egg nog recipes, advent calendars, neighborhood caroling, staged mistletoe, holiday cards, to gift exchanging have we all lost sight of what we’re really celebrating?

I always find myself in the same position every year–standing in a crowding room filled with family and wondering if next year it will be different. Is it wrong to want to be with someone you love during the holidays? I think not.

While I’m never shy of grateful for being in the presence of family and friends, why does it always feel like somethings missing when it comes down to hanging the garland and stringing lights?

The simplest answer is that the holiday season is genuinely about love–Valentine’s Day on steroids, rather.

The truth is, I miss you. Wherever you may be. Christmas will never be Christmas without you.

Love Love, R

where you are

Dear Soulmate,

As I write to you tonight I am thinking of all the places you may be. I realize it is a Friday night here in Boston and I should be out with my friends, but I feel inclined to stay in instead and write to you.

The truth is that February always leaves me feeling distraught. Whenever I go out I often find myself alone and disappointed at the end of the night. Outside the cold air feels oppressive and lonely, seeping in through the windows in a cool unwanted draft and stealing the warmth inside.

But the reason I find February such a lonesome month is because of the holidays that came before it.

Being single during the holidays is undeniably difficult. New Year’s is no exception either, with the expectation of midnight kisses. But then come mid-January the romance and excitement subsides and people seem to return to their daily lives.

And when Valentine’s Day finally swings around a few weeks later in February, I find that I have exhausted all my energy on trying not to let the loneliness of the holidays bring me down.

While there is no shame in being lonely, it is a difficult emotion that often takes you down many avenues that can leave you feeling cold and undeserving of love.

But perhaps it is simply the end of a long week that has me feeling discouraged and evaluative of my current emotions. Perhaps the best thing to do right now is sit back, relax, put my feet up and dream about the days to come when I will not have to wonder where you are.

All my love, R

looking up at the stars

Dear Soulmate,

The holidays always seem to linger like the moonlight. On Christmas eve the moon is full. The air is alive with promises and a certain kind of magic that can only be described in the way the snow glitters in the reflection of the falling moonlight. On Christmas night the moon wanes, fading until all the light is lost after New Year’s and the enchantment of the holiday season is gone- carefully stored away.

All that remains are the stars.

Although only in the midst of the holiday season, already I can feel the moon waning. Already I can feel that glimmering optimism of love and laughter- that shines so brilliantly during the holidays, fading. Already I can envision returning to the daily grind and feeling like love has somehow gone astray.

But why does love become so essential and pivotal during the holidays? Shouldn’t we all celebrate love throughout the year with just as much spirit and enthusiasm?

The reality is not that love is simply a season, but that it requires time to truly enjoy it.

It deserves and honorable amount of time to set aside and reflect on it. It often deserves more than what the daily 9 to 5 grind can afford to give.

When you return to your daily routine- your desk in the office, your books at school or wherever your schedule finds you, do not forget about love.

You will often find that as you embark on your next journey in 2009, or perhaps the same journey you have already been traveling on but this time are writing a new chapter in, the spirit of the holidays gets lost. Do not just let annual celebrations like Valentine’s Day remind you of what is really important.

If you are like me, then you have already learned that looking up at the stars are just as spectacular as the full moon.

All my love, R

giving love

Dear Soulmate,

Call me crazy but I have not yet done my Christmas shopping. The reason for this is because I celebrate Christmas. That’s right- I celebrate the kind of Christmas that exisits without the passing around of shiny wrapped presents.

I believe that presents become magical when they arrive on a sleigh in the middle of the night. They take on a new meaning when they make the recipients eyes light up in disbelief that Santa traveled all the way around the world to every house in a matter of mere hours.

Do not get me wrong, I do believe in giving. I make chocolates, wrap them in ribbons. I make books, pictures framed to capture a moment in time and I am never short on giving hugs. But it is difficult for me to give someone I care about a sweater and have it mean something as special as inviting them to dinner by the fire with good wine and music that lingers like laughter in and out of the rooms.

I believe in giving love- all kinds of beautiful love. The kind of love that is too beautiful to hide behind a glossy wrapper and too precious to tie with satin ribbons. I believe in giving the kind of love that you deserve, that I will forever give to you each day and always.

This to me is the genuine spirit of the holidays that should exist for more than just a day.

But understand that Christmas is not all jingle bells and candy canes. It is not always a joyful carol that is sung, and it can be a difficult essence to capture. If you’ve been hurt you may be feeling reserved- feeling like your love was denied. Never stop giving it. There will always be people around you who are waiting to see you smile, to hear you laugh and to feel you love them.

So this season I simply ask you to forget those things that have gone unforgiven. Whatever holiday you celebrate- may you celebrate it with purpose, meaning and love.

Love, R

by the time you finally meet me

Dear Soulmate,

There are so many times when I convince myself that I have seen you or perhaps will see you in the near future. Every corner I turn, every door that I open, I always have this hope that our paths will cross.

I wonder, is it wrong to always be thinking of you in this frantic treasure hunt kind of way? Why can’t I just sit back and wait for you to come to me, or at least wait for time to author our story? Why do I have this incessant urge to pursue you.

I suppose the easiest answer is that I feel at a loss when I look around at other people holding hands and kissing. I feel at a loss when I watch movies where Hollywood stages captivating romances entangled in real life scenarios.

I feel at a loss without you.

the notebook's allie and noah

When I look around at everyone else who appears in love, I too want to share laughter, kisses and stories with someone who cares about me. While I am certainly not alone, I sometimes cannot help but feel it. This I suppose only makes me human.

While you may argue that my longing for you is simply a product of the holidays that remind me that it is the season for love and being loved, or maybe the cold nights followed by colder mornings, my yearning for you stems from another notion.

I fear that you will have missed so much of me by the time I finally meet you. And I fear that I will miss so much of you by the time you finally meet me.

While I am still young it is easy to harken back to my past loves, as those memories are not buried too deeply in my past.  I recall how I grew with all of them, and how they all saw me at my best and worse. I suppose you, too, will grow with me during a different more mature stage of my life. And you, too, will see me at my best and my worst.

What gives me comfort is knowing that who we are today has everything to do with where we are coming from.

All my love, R

in memory’s attic

Dear Soulmate,

I’ll admit that it’s sometimes difficult to believe in you. I’ll admit that there are times I doubt that you will ever come around. I’ll admit that there are times I am convinced our paths will never cross.

I realize though, as I sit here in seemingly idle thought, that these doubts only make me human.

Perhaps it is the holidays that always have a way of making me feel more alone instead of grateful for the love of family and friends I have all around me.

Truthfully, I just want to feel wanted again. The only way I can even imagine what that feeling may be like is if I go back- into that dreadfully prohibited place where memories cease to collect dust but instead flow freely despite the cluttered avenues of my mind.

What makes my past experiences so appealing is the thought that somewhere amidst all the memories of kissing in the rain and stealing affectionate glances, there arrives the curious and intriguing possibility that my past may just be my ticket to the future.

Have I already met you, soulmate?

There’s an old expression that says there’s a reason why some people in your past never make it to your future. Instead those people become either polished trophies or rusted antiques stored in boxes labeled “experience” stacked somewhere in memory’s attic.

If you are in fact a polished trophy, need you be stored only in my memory? Why can’t I parade you around instead, showing the world that I have found that all-encompassing achievement, life’s most beautiful reward. That I, too, have found love.

Perhaps I have simply forgotten you- like a trophy in the attic, gone unnoticed even after all the effort it took to earn it. Maybe love goes unnoticed sometimes.

Maybe one day I will reopen those boxes and find you.

Love, R

timeless

Dear Soulmate,

Rainy, mildly warm days like today make me want to stroll through art galleries and museums- or at least wish I had the time for such endeavors.

It’s always amusing how the end of the year turns into a frantic shuffle- like we are all trying to pack the rest of 2008 into a few jumbled weeks of running errands and making sure we find that perfect gift for everyone who made our year so special.

The end of the year for me is more of a quiet time, a reflective time.

Because a lot goes on in a year that no one really remembers until it’s over.

Picture your new year’s resolution, your birthday, where you went for valentine’s day, or even that perfectly wonderful, ordinary day where everything fell into the right place. Where were you when spring shifted into summer? Do you remember the conversation with an old friend that made you laugh and made you think how grateful you are to have them in your life? Think back to the telephone calls, the e-mails, the letters you may have not expected to arrive in your mailbox, addressed to you.

In all of this, I bet you remember love.

Because it’s timeless.

I hope that as the year draws to a close that you remember more than just the holidays- that you remember everything so that you may look back on 2008 with fondness and recall all the wonderful things, however great or small, that made your year truly spectacular.

Love, R

cheers, to you

Dear Soulmate,

I cannot wait until tomorrow morning when I put on my running shoes and lose myself in the city streets. On Commercial Street there is a pier that I frequently jog alongside that looks directly across the water to the airport. I always ask myself if I could take off on the next flight, where would I go?

The answer is always to where you are.

It is difficult for me to have the desire to do anything but stand still in one place, and hope that you will find me here, waiting for you. I get anxious, though. I too often feel like I am wasting my time in one place, missing out on opportunities that I would otherwise experience elsewhere. There are too many people I need to meet, and for some reason I feel as though I have to go out and find them.

Perhaps it is the natural fear of being alone that makes me not only human but less inclined to believe that people will come to me.

So I ask you: will you come to me? When you first see me, will you be the one who first says hello?

Looking around though I realize that everything I need right now is here. I am so grateful for how beautiful my life has been; so overwhelmed with the joy it has brought me, and so fascinated in its ups and downs that have taught me so much. I have a lot to be thankful for, and what better time to express gratitude than right now on Thanksgiving.

So happy Thanksgiving, my love. I will have much to celebrate in the future holidays when I can raise my glass in cheerful celebration as I look across the table for the one who found me, here.

Love, R

falling for a mysterious stranger

Dear Soulmate,

The Christmas tree in Faneuil Hall was lit Saturday night. It glowed warmly, adorned with hanging bells and thoughtfully placed red bows whose ribbons shined against the glittering lights. Pictures were taken while lovers embraced beneath its sweeping branches. I looked up at the tree and only saw you.

Later I found myself at a nearby bar where my wandering eyes caught a mysterious stranger who appeared to be looking in my direction. After several casual glances we stole from one another in acknowledgment of this newly found chemistry, the crowd shifted and I lost sight of him. I was reminded of this handsome stranger whose foreign accent drifted over the sea of voices when he suddenly tripped over my boot.

He smiled politely and apologized, but what I wanted to say was thank you.

The simple exhange of a few words with an alluring stranger was enough to make me forget about the unforgiving cold night outside and instead infused my mind with warmth and happiness.

The holidays are a terribly lonely time when you long for this kind of love. Everything from mistletoe to the dazzling display of lit wreaths can make you feel anything but comforted. It is always during the holdays that I look forward to the next season, because maybe perhaps then I will have someone special to share it with.

Although the mysterious stranger who tripped over my shoe may not have been my soulmate, at least I know I am getting warmer.

Love, R