when the person from your past suddenly makes it to the present

Dear Soulmate,

Something unusual happened last night. I met an old friend for some drinks at a bar around the corner from my apartment. We caught up over some wine and beers and then of course, the subject inevitably took a turn toward family.

He is cousins with my first big love… the one with whom there is still so much words left unspoken.

But that was years ago, and I’ve learned how to shrug off any probing questions about it by simply smiling and saying, “It was a long time ago.”

So when I was informed that his girlfriend dropped my name last weekend at his family birthday party, I was a little stunned at how something so far in the past could find a way to make it to the present. It seems a long journey.

My friend said that my name was not only dropped by her, but that his grandmother was asking about me, identifying me by my first and last name.

After drinks, I walked home feeling a little lost. I’ll be honest, although it was a long time ago, I still remember it all as though it was yesterday.

But I don’t think about it. I don’t go back there. I don’t open up old memories like boxes in the attic. Which is why I wonder, why would she?

Love Love, R

looking for the one

Dear Soulmate,

If you found “the One” would you keep looking?

This is the question I’m forced to ask myself as I drift from day to day, thinking about that guy from this summer who felt like the better half of me.

He fit. He fit in my life–in the way few people can; in the past, present and future. I felt at home in his arms and in his eyes. If I got lost or my thoughts ran astray he pulled me back again and reminded me who I am, who I want to be.

It’s scary though. There are always risks involved with love. But this isn’t just any kind of love. It’s a breathtakingly honest kind of love that purifies even the most doubtful, unbelieving heart.

I want him here with me, even though he’s more than half a world away and I haven’t heard from him in months.

I don’t want to keep looking for what I’ve already found…

Love Love, R

i won’t tell him

Dear Soulmate,

I’m sure I will see him down the road. Maybe in a few years. We might be standing in the same room, or on the same lawn outside when our eyes will meet again. His will light up, as they always do, and he’ll smile warmly. He’ll say he’s had a wonderful time where he’s been, that he’s incredibly happy and that he loves where he is.

It might seem as though no time has passed at all.

As for me, I’ll smile graciously as I’ve done before in the past whenever I look into someone’s eyes and see the reflection of the love I once gave. We’ll make small talk and I’ll tell him about my career–how it was something I’ve always dreamed about pursuing.

And then there will be a few pauses, maybe one or two. Nothing big, but noticeable enough.

I won’t tell him that I thought he was the one, that I’ve never felt that strong of a connection with anyone, and that he and he alone is the only one who made me believe in real love.

Because I’ve learned enough from love to let it be. And after all you seem to hear down the echoes of love’s dark hallways is ‘it wasn’t meant to be,’ you begin to wonder what is.

Love Love, R

would you speak up?

Dear Soulmate,

I didn’t sleep last night. I stayed up tossing and turning in my sleep, wondering if temporarily falling into a dream would be enough to ease the nightmare of the day’s events.

In the light of the full moon that fell across my bedroom floor, I began to recall the line of yesterday’s e-mail when he said he could stay in New Zealand indefinitely.

Wasn’t I enough to make him come home? If not him, then who? How much more of a connection can you have with someone? We were on top of the world together last summer.  But with so much time and distance working against us, will I be just another chapter in his story?

I prepared myself for potentially going years without seeing him, months without being in contact, but how do you prepare yourself for when someone you are so madly in love with tells you they might never come back.

If you’ve been following this blog over the years then you know I’ve learned a ton about love, especially in these past two years. I thought I was strong and capable enough to fall in love again and endure any consequence that may result from doing so. But now I feel like I’m right back at square one, devastated at the thought of losing someone I was sure was the one for me.

So now I’m soliciting you, dear reader, for advice. What would you do if you were in my shoes? Would you speak up?

Love Love, R

i loved you.

Dear Soulmate,

I loved him. I loved him from the moment I saw him. I still recall the way the weight of the summer air hung around us, trapping the twilight long enough for us to call it ours. For a few rare moments, the world seemed to stop spinning.

Where is he now? Where did he go? Why did he leave?

I just learned recently that he is considering staying in New Zealand indefinitely. I’ve always felt that New Zealand would be a terrific escape from the hustle and bustle of everyday life in the States. Lately I’ve been all over trying to find that one place where I feel at home.

When the wheels touched down in Denver last week, I wanted to feel a sense of relief as though I had finally arrived in a place where I belong. Last weekend I touched down in San Francisco… with no sense of belonging, nor urge to return.

I’m back in Boston now, finally realizing that home is wherever love is. I’m at a loss for words because I’m in love with someone who might never come back to me… for no other reason than I was not enough to make him stay.

Love Love, R

the truth about men.

Dear Soulmate,

Maybe it takes a new relationship to make you realize how much you’ve changed in your beliefs about love and all its entanglements. Maybe it’s just growing up and maturing, understanding that it’s not all about the happy ever after but rather just taking each moment as it comes.

Somehow though, I have adopted the worst possible attitude that I always despised in former loves–the out-of-sight-out-of-mind view.

Love knows no distance. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. We’ve all heard those expressions time and time again. Still, it does not necessarily make them true.

Past experiences in heartbreak have taught me not to hold onto anything and to simply let things go.

When I was asked by my grandmother today whether I still had feelings for someone who left to go travel a few months back, I simply said, “not anymore.” It was the first time I acknowledged this out loud. Then I slumped in my chair in disappointment–both about what I had just said and because I felt like I was turning into someone I never wanted to become.

My grandmother finally said, “Well I guess you are finally learning you cannot control men.”

The truth is that I never intended to… I only hung my hopes on the stars that I would be enough to make someone stay.

Love Love, R

p.s. my grandparents celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary tomorrow… my grandmother told me that my grandfather is still very much the love of her life.

never been here

Dear Soulmate,

I’m in a place I’ve never been before. Love is one of those bizarrely gray areas that is never entirely black or white.

I am suddenly torn between meeting someone I fell absolutely in love with instantly–even if only for a few weeks in the summer–and missing someone from long ago.

The reality is that this person from the summer is traveling now. He’s in New Zealand and doesn’t quite keep up with modern-day means of communication… e-mails are few and far in between.

So I’ve gone back and forth, between wanting to be with him and going back to who I was before–the girl who only dreamt of someone like him. I never quite imagined though that someone like him would leave. I suppose now I’m looking for someone who will simply stay.

Is that asking so much?

It’s hard too because I am reminded of the times I’ve been let down before… That familiar feeling of being left behind comes back to me every now and then–just enough to make me feel heartbroken all over again.

Love Love, R

p.s. i love reading your letters, dear readers… they’re lovely and they make my day. i will continue to post and share them here on the site soon! love always.

heartbroken.

Dear Soulmate,

When you meet me you won’t have a chance to meet my cat Tigger. I met him when I was 9 years old and he was my best friend for 13 beautiful years.

This morning I woke up and knew there was something different about the way the daylight hesistated to slide through the slats of my blinds. It was a long night. I knew he was leaving today… I just didn’t want to believe it.

After I showered I went upstairs to find him on his chair, where had been curled up for almost two days. I scooped him up and held him like I’ve done so many times before.

And then, in what felt like minutes later, I was walking aimlessly through Boston’s city streets on my way to work. And he was gone, forever.

It sounds crazy, I know, to mourn the loss of an animal. But the relationship you develop with a pet can be more intimate in some ways than those you develop with people–they see you at your most vulnerable, when your guard is down, when you’re in clothes you wouldn’t be caught in public wearing, and of course they watch your morning routine–a sacred, most personal ritual that if anyone else were caught watching, would feel intrusive.

There is a tremendous vacancy in my heart tonight as I write. And so I wonder, again, what happens when love is lost? If only I could keep it someplace safe and hold onto it, forever.

Love Love, R

songs from a love gone by

Dear Soulmate,

It takes a great deal of poise to navigate the waters of heartbreak with grace. It takes a lot of courage to dare to choose the high road over one paved with bitterness and regret. It takes a lot of growing, learning, leaping and hoping to believe that something beautiful is waiting up ahead.

There was a moment today where I caught myself falling in and out of love with old memories. As I walked to work this morning a song came on the radio… the song–the one I used to sing and dance to once upon a time. It was hauntingly beautiful to hear it again.

Most people have certain songs that bring them back to different places in their lives. But after you lose a friend or a lover, some songs can become emotional landmines, leaving you to quickly change the station for fear of remembering what that love felt like.

I used to hide from this particular song. I deleted it from my iPod, even checked it out of iTunes because I couldn’t bear to see it top the list of “Most Played.”

But today I made a point just to listen to it. Instead of changing the station, I relished the melody just like I used to. And when the song ended, as it always does, I realized that it did not resurface all the old feelings of hurt and loss but rather the simple notion that what I felt was real, and more beautiful than any song.

Love Love, R

p.s. a new “your soulmate, your letter” is up! be sure to check it out

p.p.s. ever had a particular song bring you back to someone? what’s “your” song?

so i finally saw him

Dear Soulmate,

This weekend I finally saw him for the first time since I walked away from him last year.

On Saturday night… as I was catching up with an old friend… he walked over to where I was standing, deep in conversation. He rudely interrupted to ask my friend something, without even looking at me, despite that I was standing right beside him. I began to feel invisible all over again.

“Hi! It’s so good to see you!” I finally said as I gave him a hug- one of which was not well returned.

And that was it.

It was over.

The moment I had come to dread the most for the past year was done. And as I drove home that night I thought about what had just happened.

I was prepared to tell him that although he was so distant and cold to me last summer, although he mentioned another girl’s name, although I never got an apology or resolution from him, although he was now in a relationship [his first one] with this girl, although he was the one who broke my heart… I was happy for him.

Instead I said nothing more and stood still, completely baffled as to why he would behave so cruelly to me.

What could I have possibly done to provoke that? Where had my best friend of so many years disappeared to? Who was this guy who did not even remember the face of the girl who had woken up beside him for so many beautiful summers.

As I tucked myself into bed that night, I began to rehearse those lines I had been practicing for the past year… it was something along the lines of “I’m happy for you, I wish you the best of everything…”

So much for that…
Love, R

“you broke my heart, but i want you to be happy”?

Dear Soulmate,

Today I am sitting and wondering what you possibly say to someone who broke your heart.

I have always believed the high road is the one paved with good fortune, and will lead you to a happier place. I also don’t believe in jealously and instead only react by feeling deeply hurt. I don’t believe in revenge, retaliation, bitterness, or even going as far as slapping someone for their mistakes.

But what happens when someone you are in love with has a change of heart?

It’s only natural to take it personally. And I did. For a long time. It was one of those terrible awful gut-wrenching kind of pains that lead you fall upon your knees and cry until you are out of breath.

Because love is like oxygen; you need it to survive.

But this weekend I will most likely run into him after a year of not seeing him.

The more I sit and wonder what to make of my situation- what used to be “our” situation- the more I conclude how important it is to always keep an open heart and open mind.

As always I will be honest. Standing in my best dress with my best smile, I will say…

“Yes, I will admit that I was deeply hurt and sad… I still cry from time to time. But its not all about you- this is about me, too. This year has been difficult in so many ways, but it has only made me stronger. I am not angry with you… I can only be grateful. You lit me up. You inspired me. You made me happy. You’re a part of me. And I want you to know that what I gave to you was special and what I felt for you was rare. I don’t want to believe that the way I cared about you was wasted. But I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. And if I find someone who cares for me, half as much as I cared for you, then I will be exceptionally lucky.”

And lastly I will look at him with grace and confidence and say… “I want you to feel for someone the way I felt about you. It’s an up-all-night, can’t eat, can’t sleep, need-to-be-next-to-that-other-person kind of feeling. Because then once you feel that, then you will know everything.”

Love, R

i don’t care

Dear Soulmate,

Yesterday was difficult. I learned from my sister that she ran into my first love- the one who has made me wonder if love is worth the pain. I haven’t spoken to him in a year. And while we were best friends my whole life, after two and a half years of being on and off… my love for him wasn’t enough to keep him with me.

So I did what most people with pride do… I walked away and took the first exit toward the high road. I’ve spent a year sorting through anger and frustration, gratitude and hurt. And it all came down to Saturday night when my sister was leaving and he said, “I’d be good to see your sister… patch things up.”

She replied, “Do you still have a girlfriend?”

And he said, “Yes.”

And though my sister wasn’t going to tell me this for fear of hurting me all over again, she did after I insisted she tell me the truth.

Last night as I lay in bed I wondered how it was possible that I could even have any feelings for someone anymore. No other person in the world would consecutively cry for ten months in a row. No other person could stand to love someone who all my friends and family despise.

Then as I cried at a restaurant last night after hearing my sister’s story, her and my best friend said, you just have to learn how to say, “I don’t care.”

They said the problem was that I feel too much, too deeply. The problem is that our fast-paced society is not conducive to old fashioned romance. The problem is that love’s landscape is scarred with divorces, terrible break-ups and apologies that go unaccepted.

So I tread on, across this rugged landscape, feeling a bit lost and short on love. And the only three words that come to mind are “I don’t care.”

Love, R

like finally coming home

Dear Soulmate,

It felt like spring for a moment yesterday. I tilted my head back and closed my eyes, bathing in the sun’s warmth. And unable to leave this moment I had found, I realized how long this past winter has been.

Winter’s are always the hardest without you. The long cold nights and annual holiday season celebrations are always a difficult burden to bear when you are alone.

But for a brief moment yesterday, as I sat alone on a park bench, I could feel loneliness drain out of me like an ebbing tide. And in the absence of my lonliness, I simply closed my eyes and lifted my face into the sun hoping to feel something.

It was a bittersweet feeling, too… like finally coming home but to an empty house. But I realize now that it is time to fill the empty spaces with new faces and make new memories and write new stories. It is time to rearrange and find happiness in new places, and not try to reach back into the past to find what is lost.

I miss him every day. I will always miss him, though. I have become used to the feeling, almost numb from feeling too much.

But wherever the road ahead takes me, I will carry with me the knowledge that I don’t always have to go alone.

Love, R

for a moment

Dear Soulmate,

As I write to you I can see the lights of rush hour traffic move slowly out of the city. The dark blue glow of dusk has settled in the background and another day is almost over.

Times like these I often find myself standing beside my window, looking out to the urban sprawl with crossed arms and wandering eyes. I wonder if I will ever find you.

Times like these remind me of everything he ever said to me. And for a moment I feel like we belong again. For a moment I forgive him for everything. For a moment I wish everything was different- that nothing changed, that we never grew up, that I still believed in things like stars to wish upon.

But there are no stars here in Boston- at least none that I can see from my window. I could wait forever though to find them if I knew my wishes would come true.

Because I still remember everything. I remember the way the moonlight fell upon the ocean, and into his eyes. And I remember how I fell, too.

And the irony about everything…

…is that he never knew any of this.

And now that he has found someone new, everything feels smoothed over- like the past never mattered. Like the next time we will see one another, he will have forgotten how he let me walk away after a lifetime of collecting memories. He will have forgotten about the call he never made when my grandfather passed away.

And I will look at him and smile and say “I’ve been good, thanks,” if he ever asked.

R

since you took your love away

Dear Soulmate,

I watched a documentary about the elderly in class the other day. Toward the end of the film an old man was being interviewed and through his tears he explained how he had nothing to live for now that his wife had passed away.

He went on to explain how he had no one to share stories with. He had no one to talk to about daily things that happened to him. He had no one to share his life with that could make it as meaningful and colorful as his wife did.

I began to think about how completely paralyzing love is when it is lost. The only thing I can imagine to be more painful is having someone withdraw their love and have a change of heart.

When someone who has loved you passes away, there is comfort in the knowledge that they loved you- that they would have loved you forever if life had given them a chance.

But when someone you love suddenly changes their mind and takes away their love for you, there is an absence that is starkly similar to death. It is as if you lost somebody- a person you beleived to be someone different than he or she turned out to be.

And that is how I felt when someone I loved suddenly had a change of heart… I thought I was the only one who felt for a few dark moments that I had no one to share my life with.

I realize that it is normal to feel a tragic sense of loss when love gets lost. I realize though that life does go on, and fortunately for me, I have you to believe in.

Love, R

a letter of hope to the heartbroken

Dear Soulmate,

On Saturday I drove up to Maine to visit a friend at college. Our relationship had suffered a falling out last summer, but she  finally came around, absent of an apology, when one of my grandparents passed away in the fall. Still, it is bittersweet to see people who so easily forget how they hurt you in the past. Regardless, I drove up to see her because I believe in the goodness in her, as I do with most people.

One of the first things she told me was that the love from my past has a girlfriend now… he has never had a girlfriend before in the same way that I have never had a boyfriend. It is difficult to put into words how I felt- too many emotions, to say the very least.

At first I felt a tremendous amount of sadness that he had moved on, and anger that my friend would so casually mention this to me without the expectation that it may hurt me. But then I realized the apparent and incredible distance between me and others who I thought I was close to.

As I drove back to Boston that afternoon I felt similar to Tom Hanks in Cast Away… alone and adrift on a raft out at sea. But I realize now that it’s time to do some rearranging of my own.

This is not to say that my days are suddenly much brighter- I still find it difficult to smile and I have trouble sleeping. I turned off my phone for a few days and snapped at my sister for not empathizing with my situation, and for not feeling for things as deeply as I. But I know now that a huge part of what I am going through is not being able to express my thoughts with others.

The reason my friend so casually mentioned his new girlfriend was not out of spite, it was because she had not known- I had never opened up to her to express how I really felt about things that hurt me. And the love from my past never really knew how I had felt about him either- how much I cared about him, and how much I loved the world through his eyes and wanted to be a part of it. If he did things may have been different.

The lesson I have learned though is one that people can tell you a thousand times, even your own mother, but you do not believe it until you finally experience it for yourself.’

It is cliche but simple: you don’t have to be alone.

I used to find comfort in my isolation… now I find agony. It’s a difficult lesson to learn, but I have always believed that people are the enemy- that they are the ones responsible for my pain and for hurting me. I used to think that I would never be betrayed if I could not trust.

I also used to think that I had to carry the burden of holding onto things… because I feared no one else would. And if no one else would then they would be forgotten. And through all of this I was always afraid that people would somehow be so busy moving on with their own lives, that they would forget about me. And that is how I felt upon learning about my past love’s girlfriend.

But I realize now that this is not the case. I know now that you are responsible for yourself.. and in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

You are stronger than you think and wiser than you believe.

Love, R

p.s. peace, love, breathe, hope

no place for me

Dear Soulmate,

It is difficult to write to you today. It’s hard for me to picture myself happy and in love ever again.

They say that you never forget your first love. The memories, though, get overridden. The damage has already been done. She has already done everything that I did. She has been to all the places where I have been. She already has his heart and he has most likely given her everything in return. He is proud to have her, his first girlfriend.

There is no place for me anymore.

I feel like I am waiting for my next flight out to “move on” … someplace miles away where he can’t hurt me anymore.

Someday you and I will meet. Someday I will laugh again and smile. And I will love you like no one has before. I will overwrite those other loves, and show you know what real love really is. I will show you how powerful it can be, how it can move you to become someone better than you ever thought you could be.

And the distance between us right now is more than a thousand miles and a million words. All we are right now are stangers.

But I am getting closer. Wait for me.

Love, R

cast away

Dear Soulmate,

I feel like Tom Hanks in Cast Away tonight, alone at sea, adrift on a raft, looking up at the stars.

It is really over. And it hurts in a way that you do not even feel pain. After all the anger and frustration subside and all the unanswered questions settle like water in a glass, I am motionless. Finally I am peacefully still.

Truthfully, I feel like part of me has died. I feel like something wonderful has been lost and I worry that the void will never be filled. I used to be afraid that if I did not miss him or feel heartbroken that I would not feel anything at all. Now I know that feeling nothing at all is strangely beautiful.

I ran this morning to try to clear my head. I tried to undo all the moments, all the kisses, all the laughs in the afternoon, all the pieces that used to fit. I tried to pull apart the puzzle… and put it back in its box.

And I did just that.

I took out the letters, the CDs, the mementos, even deleted songs off of my iTunes that had built up over time. Time has a way of collecting memories like dust. But now all my souvenirs of my love have been boxed up and tucked away. And I feel empty now, like a sold house without furniture after its occupants leave.

I wish him the best of everything… I do. The days that follow will not be easy. The nights will be long, I know. And this will all take time. But I am not ashamed to say that I am proud of how far we came- every moonlit drive along the coast, every park bench we sat on in the sun, every morning we spent sipping coffee together.

It was all real. And that means everything to me.

Love, R

almost stopped believing in you

Dear Soulmate,

I almost stopped believing in you today. Almost.

I found out today that the only boy I have ever really loved has found someone new. The first time he told me her name was the last time I have spoken to him. But at the time, so many months ago, I did not think it could have gone any further than a fling or casual relationship.

Turns out, as I learned today, she is his girlfriend now. This would not be such a big deal had he never had a girlfriend before.

And now I feel more alone than I have ever felt before- heartbroken all over again. It is like I take one step forward and two steps back.

The world keeps turning, everyone moves on, and here I am- waiting for a resolution or something that will at least justify why he is in a relationship and I am not.

The only thing that gives me comfort- in this pitifully low moment of sadness- is knowing that maybe someday, I will find you…

Maybe someday.

And so begins more sleepless nights and tears.

Love, R

friday the 13th…

Dear Soulmate,

Friday the 13th proves that it is impossible to make your own luck.

my definition of "good friday" ...i felt this post was in need of some instant happiness. to me this photo says it all.

And to be perfectly honest, I do not have the best of luck. I do not mean this in the grand scope of things, because when I look at my life on the whole, it it more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. In that respect, I am very lucky.

But to those who spend time with me and really know me, it is easy to understand why I believe it is impossible to make your own luck.

If there is a green light, it will quickly turn red upon my approach. If I ask for a french vanilla coffee rather than regular, I end up with a regular. If there is one flight delayed at the airport, it is most likely the one I am scheduled to take. And when it comes to men… well, I will let you make your own judgments.

But I digress. I realize that most of the scenarios I have mentioned above are trivial elements of my day. While some of my friends have pointed out that I have terrible luck, I always shrug it off and tell them I am used to it.

I suppose what people really mean when they say that you make your own luck is that you choose what to make of it.

But today was not one of my best days, and given that it is Friday the 13th, I feel that I have license to blame my lack of good luck on the superstitions of this day.

And if you, too, are feeling glum and out of sorts today, just remember it is what you make of it.  Afterall, it is Friday… it cannot be that bad.

Love, R

p.s. i miss you.

happily never after.

Dear Soulmate,

I remember my life before you- before I really truly believed in you. And as I look back, it appears to look a lot like settling.

I do not remember the look in his eyes before I walked away- how could I, he never took his sunglasses off. But now I realize, that there was nothing in his eyes that could even look anything like love. And last night, as I lay awake in sleepless thought, I began to think about the last time we saw one another so many months ago.

I can still hear the ocean gently lapping the rocks as the afternoon’s southwesterly breeze stirred the west bay into a frenzy of white sails, fleeting across the horizon in a race. I still remember that feeling of a complete loss of self worth when I realized, in the silence that screamed so loudly between us, that I was not worth the fight.

I was not worth getting angry, or upset over. I was not even worth so much as someone taking off their sunglasses, looking me in the eyes, and telling me I was not enough.

But little did I know that that pivotal moment, when your love hits the ground, would not be the hardest one. The days and months to come would be the time when I would realize that even still, in the age of instant communication via texts, emails and phone calls, I was not even worth an apology.

I suppose that this is where our story begins, dear soulmate. You have given me a reason to believe that I do deserve the very best. And someday I will print all these letters out and tie them together with a ribbon. And then you will know the whole story.

Love, R

what about heartbreak?

Dear Soulmate,

I am sitting at my dining room table sipping some home-brewed Dunkin’ Donuts french vanilla coffee and wrapped in a cashmere scarf. In about an hour or so I will venture out into the cold once more and head to class. But for now I am alone in the company of my books and the thought of all the beautiful opportunities the day may present.

Remember that guy who introduced himself to me a few weeks ago? I saw him again this weekend at another staff meeting. Perhaps I am lonely and still trying to fill a void from my previous experience with love, but for whatever reason,  I have become intriguingly attracted to this guy.

They say to give every one a chance, and that is exactly the philosophy I have adhered to. And it is always at the beginning of a potential relationship where all your doubts and better judgment seem to go freely out the window. Why is that?

Why is it that just after we have learned our lesson in love, we have learned nothing at all?

The most simple answer is that love does not have any rules. They say that men in their early twenties only want one thing. They say that if he does not call after the first date then ‘he’s just not that into you.’ They say that once your heart has broken that you have ‘baggage.’

But enough already- should it be so complicated?

Think for a moment about some one you have been recently admiring. Are they not worth the excitement and mystery of a pursuit?

Just be confident that even if things do not work out, love plays by its own rules. So just enjoy the ride and what will be will be.

Love, R

p.s. we’re missing this week’s “your soulmate, your letter,” have any ideas for next week’s letter?

in the in between

Dear Soulmate,

They tell you to move on, but then they say you cannot go looking for love. But my question is, what do you do in the in between?

not everyday is a walk on the beach

No two heartbreaks are ever the same. I have found, from my experience, that hearts rarely break even. There are too many emotions at conflict and people go through different phases.

My journey has been one that has at times left me feeling undeserving of love. There are moments I feel too proud to give  a damn. There are moments I feel angry because of how I let him in. And there are moments of quiet reflection where I am so thankful to have loved like that.

But with all these emotions at conflict, there does not seem to be a linear path of recovery. Sometimes I take two steps forward and five steps back. Other days I awake feeling like I am in a another lifetime, a new one. Then there are sleepless nights spent tossing and turning in denial that my love was not enough.

The in between is all so very bittersweet. Every day is a new challenge and an opportunity. The important thing though is to remember to keep an open mind. With an open mind you may open your heart to the possibility of letting someone else in.

Consider everyday an adventure. With no particular destination, you cannot say that you are lost.

Love, R

on top of the world

Dear Soulmate,

How do you forget the way it felt to kiss someone, to touch them, to love them? When do you wake up and forget the way it used to be when your life felt complete and whole, a perfect harmony of happiness and bliss?

How do you forget the way it felt to be on top of the world?

Probably the worst advice that has ever been given by anyone is “move on.” The words slip so easily from the mouths of those we love, even the mouths of those who we’ve kissed in the most intimate of moments. But what happens when someone you have been so completely in love with, tells you to “move on”

Where to, I might ask?

Cold Sunday mornings like today make me wake feeling discomforted by the fact that I have simply gotten used to being out of that kind of beautifully wholesome love. What people really mean when they say, “move on,” is simply just don’t look back. The moment you look behind at how good you once felt in your past is the moment where the present feels incomplete.

So without looking back I get through the days, looking ahead to you instead. But still I cannot forget where I’ve been.

And I wonder still, is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

All my love, R

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