i won’t tell him

Dear Soulmate,

I’m sure I will see him down the road. Maybe in a few years. We might be standing in the same room, or on the same lawn outside when our eyes will meet again. His will light up, as they always do, and he’ll smile warmly. He’ll say he’s had a wonderful time where he’s been, that he’s incredibly happy and that he loves where he is.

It might seem as though no time has passed at all.

As for me, I’ll smile graciously as I’ve done before in the past whenever I look into someone’s eyes and see the reflection of the love I once gave. We’ll make small talk and I’ll tell him about my career–how it was something I’ve always dreamed about pursuing.

And then there will be a few pauses, maybe one or two. Nothing big, but noticeable enough.

I won’t tell him that I thought he was the one, that I’ve never felt that strong of a connection with anyone, and that he and he alone is the only one who made me believe in real love.

Because I’ve learned enough from love to let it be. And after all you seem to hear down the echoes of love’s dark hallways is ‘it wasn’t meant to be,’ you begin to wonder what is.

Love Love, R

would you speak up?

Dear Soulmate,

I didn’t sleep last night. I stayed up tossing and turning in my sleep, wondering if temporarily falling into a dream would be enough to ease the nightmare of the day’s events.

In the light of the full moon that fell across my bedroom floor, I began to recall the line of yesterday’s e-mail when he said he could stay in New Zealand indefinitely.

Wasn’t I enough to make him come home? If not him, then who? How much more of a connection can you have with someone? We were on top of the world together last summer.  But with so much time and distance working against us, will I be just another chapter in his story?

I prepared myself for potentially going years without seeing him, months without being in contact, but how do you prepare yourself for when someone you are so madly in love with tells you they might never come back.

If you’ve been following this blog over the years then you know I’ve learned a ton about love, especially in these past two years. I thought I was strong and capable enough to fall in love again and endure any consequence that may result from doing so. But now I feel like I’m right back at square one, devastated at the thought of losing someone I was sure was the one for me.

So now I’m soliciting you, dear reader, for advice. What would you do if you were in my shoes? Would you speak up?

Love Love, R

i loved you.

Dear Soulmate,

I loved him. I loved him from the moment I saw him. I still recall the way the weight of the summer air hung around us, trapping the twilight long enough for us to call it ours. For a few rare moments, the world seemed to stop spinning.

Where is he now? Where did he go? Why did he leave?

I just learned recently that he is considering staying in New Zealand indefinitely. I’ve always felt that New Zealand would be a terrific escape from the hustle and bustle of everyday life in the States. Lately I’ve been all over trying to find that one place where I feel at home.

When the wheels touched down in Denver last week, I wanted to feel a sense of relief as though I had finally arrived in a place where I belong. Last weekend I touched down in San Francisco… with no sense of belonging, nor urge to return.

I’m back in Boston now, finally realizing that home is wherever love is. I’m at a loss for words because I’m in love with someone who might never come back to me… for no other reason than I was not enough to make him stay.

Love Love, R

those who are sensible about love…

Dear Soulmate,

I feel like I’ve been waiting a lifetime… and I’m not exactly sure what for anymore.

I’m out in Denver right now and am enjoying the anonymity of being on Mountain time, as it somehow feels a world away from my life back east. Still though I wonder when exactly will it be my turn for love.

I remember the way he kissed me and took my hand in his as we walked down the main streets of his town. I remember the way he put his arm around sitting on the bench by the harbor. But now those memories are frosted over with the cold reality that he left. For every beautiful memory of love there is always a colder one to follow.

All I’ve learned about love is to live in the present. I know now that I’ll take any small moment that I can, all the while knowing I might never relive it again with that person. I’ve learned never to ask someone to stay, although secretly hoping they might. I’ve compromised my own beliefs about love with those around me–all the while exchanging my passionate ideas with those more practical.

But then an old quote comes back to me… “People who are sensible about love are incapable of it” -Douglas Yates.

This I know to be true.

Love Love, R

 

heartbroken.

Dear Soulmate,

When you meet me you won’t have a chance to meet my cat Tigger. I met him when I was 9 years old and he was my best friend for 13 beautiful years.

This morning I woke up and knew there was something different about the way the daylight hesistated to slide through the slats of my blinds. It was a long night. I knew he was leaving today… I just didn’t want to believe it.

After I showered I went upstairs to find him on his chair, where had been curled up for almost two days. I scooped him up and held him like I’ve done so many times before.

And then, in what felt like minutes later, I was walking aimlessly through Boston’s city streets on my way to work. And he was gone, forever.

It sounds crazy, I know, to mourn the loss of an animal. But the relationship you develop with a pet can be more intimate in some ways than those you develop with people–they see you at your most vulnerable, when your guard is down, when you’re in clothes you wouldn’t be caught in public wearing, and of course they watch your morning routine–a sacred, most personal ritual that if anyone else were caught watching, would feel intrusive.

There is a tremendous vacancy in my heart tonight as I write. And so I wonder, again, what happens when love is lost? If only I could keep it someplace safe and hold onto it, forever.

Love Love, R

the end of summer… love.

Dear Soulmate,

“I’ll miss you forever…” was all I said to him. Simple. Honest. Bittersweet. And as I held him one last time I knew it was really over. And I knew I had to let him go.

Another summer drawn to a close. The northern wind now sweeps across the cold moonlit bay, swinging the boats on their moorings one last time before being hauled for the winter.

But even as I move on… I will never forget how different things may have been had he never let me go.

Love, R

so i finally saw him

Dear Soulmate,

This weekend I finally saw him for the first time since I walked away from him last year.

On Saturday night… as I was catching up with an old friend… he walked over to where I was standing, deep in conversation. He rudely interrupted to ask my friend something, without even looking at me, despite that I was standing right beside him. I began to feel invisible all over again.

“Hi! It’s so good to see you!” I finally said as I gave him a hug- one of which was not well returned.

And that was it.

It was over.

The moment I had come to dread the most for the past year was done. And as I drove home that night I thought about what had just happened.

I was prepared to tell him that although he was so distant and cold to me last summer, although he mentioned another girl’s name, although I never got an apology or resolution from him, although he was now in a relationship [his first one] with this girl, although he was the one who broke my heart… I was happy for him.

Instead I said nothing more and stood still, completely baffled as to why he would behave so cruelly to me.

What could I have possibly done to provoke that? Where had my best friend of so many years disappeared to? Who was this guy who did not even remember the face of the girl who had woken up beside him for so many beautiful summers.

As I tucked myself into bed that night, I began to rehearse those lines I had been practicing for the past year… it was something along the lines of “I’m happy for you, I wish you the best of everything…”

So much for that…
Love, R

“you broke my heart, but i want you to be happy”?

Dear Soulmate,

Today I am sitting and wondering what you possibly say to someone who broke your heart.

I have always believed the high road is the one paved with good fortune, and will lead you to a happier place. I also don’t believe in jealously and instead only react by feeling deeply hurt. I don’t believe in revenge, retaliation, bitterness, or even going as far as slapping someone for their mistakes.

But what happens when someone you are in love with has a change of heart?

It’s only natural to take it personally. And I did. For a long time. It was one of those terrible awful gut-wrenching kind of pains that lead you fall upon your knees and cry until you are out of breath.

Because love is like oxygen; you need it to survive.

But this weekend I will most likely run into him after a year of not seeing him.

The more I sit and wonder what to make of my situation- what used to be “our” situation- the more I conclude how important it is to always keep an open heart and open mind.

As always I will be honest. Standing in my best dress with my best smile, I will say…

“Yes, I will admit that I was deeply hurt and sad… I still cry from time to time. But its not all about you- this is about me, too. This year has been difficult in so many ways, but it has only made me stronger. I am not angry with you… I can only be grateful. You lit me up. You inspired me. You made me happy. You’re a part of me. And I want you to know that what I gave to you was special and what I felt for you was rare. I don’t want to believe that the way I cared about you was wasted. But I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. And if I find someone who cares for me, half as much as I cared for you, then I will be exceptionally lucky.”

And lastly I will look at him with grace and confidence and say… “I want you to feel for someone the way I felt about you. It’s an up-all-night, can’t eat, can’t sleep, need-to-be-next-to-that-other-person kind of feeling. Because then once you feel that, then you will know everything.”

Love, R

i don’t care

Dear Soulmate,

Yesterday was difficult. I learned from my sister that she ran into my first love- the one who has made me wonder if love is worth the pain. I haven’t spoken to him in a year. And while we were best friends my whole life, after two and a half years of being on and off… my love for him wasn’t enough to keep him with me.

So I did what most people with pride do… I walked away and took the first exit toward the high road. I’ve spent a year sorting through anger and frustration, gratitude and hurt. And it all came down to Saturday night when my sister was leaving and he said, “I’d be good to see your sister… patch things up.”

She replied, “Do you still have a girlfriend?”

And he said, “Yes.”

And though my sister wasn’t going to tell me this for fear of hurting me all over again, she did after I insisted she tell me the truth.

Last night as I lay in bed I wondered how it was possible that I could even have any feelings for someone anymore. No other person in the world would consecutively cry for ten months in a row. No other person could stand to love someone who all my friends and family despise.

Then as I cried at a restaurant last night after hearing my sister’s story, her and my best friend said, you just have to learn how to say, “I don’t care.”

They said the problem was that I feel too much, too deeply. The problem is that our fast-paced society is not conducive to old fashioned romance. The problem is that love’s landscape is scarred with divorces, terrible break-ups and apologies that go unaccepted.

So I tread on, across this rugged landscape, feeling a bit lost and short on love. And the only three words that come to mind are “I don’t care.”

Love, R

surprise!

Dear Soulmate,

I walked through the doors of my favorite restaurant Saturday night for what I thought would be a small intimate celebration for my birthday.

“Surprise!” everyone screamed as I looked over in disbelief. Fifteen of my most wonderful friends – some who I had not seen in years – were all standing around a table with their hands in the air and flashing cameras to capture my reaction.

I immediately ran over to the table, absent-mindedly brushing past other diners in an emotional rush to greet my awaiting party.

There were friends who I hadn’t seen in years. Some from different parts of my life: some from summer, some from college, some from middle school. Even despite that some of them had never met each other before, they were all gathered around the same table that night. They had traveled from different states and from different places in their lives to be here… to be with me.

And that meant the world to me.

And seated at the far end of the table was a friends, one of my best friends, who I struggled to forgive for so long. The complications of growing up have a way of thinning the thread that tie people together, and while some give up and let go, I held on.

I believe in everyone who has touched my life in a way that has given it meaning. While forgiveness does not come as easily to me as it should, I learned that night what it truly means to embrace change.

There comes a time when we have to accept- like baggage in an airplane overhead compartment- that things have a way of shifting as we move on in our lives.

And for a moment, as I raised my glass in a toast… I remembered him. And in that quiet moment, amidst the flashing cameras and smiles, I forgave the one who did not show up for the occasion. Because hearts get broken. That’s life. That’s growing up.

But there’s always love. And without that, there is nothing to celebrate.

Love, R

it was magical.

Dear Soulmate,

Once upon a time there lived a girl who believed in everything beautiful in the world- like love and dreams. But more importantly, she believed in the most dangerous thing of all: the good in people.

One beautiful summer night this girl fell in love- her first big love. And the whole world looked different. Every moment she spent with him was better than the next. And together they watched the moon spill out over the bay every night, watched stars steal across the evening sky, and even chased fireflies that ceased to die in the morning light.

It was magical.

And then winter came and tested them. Their love had endured another summer. But by the third summer things had changed. Though they were together on the same island off some distant coast, he had a change of heart. And the distance between the two of them could now be measured in hundreds and thousands of miles.

But then that autumn, as the leaves began to fall, this girl lost her grandfather, her lifelong pen pal. With no one to write to, she set out to write to her soulmate- someone who could never reject her love.

But that beautiful house on the hill, on an island far away, that belonged to her grandparents for nearly half a century, was now just an asset. And that nightmare of it ever being sold was beginning to blur into reality.

And so now the girl wakes alone, in a city far away. Summer no longer has its same rhythmn. Love no longer has the same feeling.

But this is not where the story ends… somewhere along the way she finds love again, in some distant land, in pages far away.

Love, R

getting there

Dear Soulmate,

I have been rejected by many things… prep schools, colleges, and yes, men too. And in all these experiences, I grew to become a stronger person. But what hurts the most I have learned, is when your love is rejected.

I have always believed that my feelings for someone were rare- that no other girl could feel the way I felt about someone. But when I learned that I was wrong, and that he would let me walk away, I realized that my love was not what he wanted.

This winter in his absence has been the longest. Despite how easy it is to communicate with one another in this era of such instant technology, we have not spoken since the summer.

And as much as I call myself a writer, what could I possibly say to him that could ever justify the way that I feel?

I want so desperately to remember that girl I knew last summer. She was the one who would shake her head, dismissing the idea that her love could have ever gone unnoticed, let alone rejected. She was the one who protected her heart, but yet saw something in someone who made her believe it was okay to open up and trust someone.

And I realize now that it is not him I miss. No, not at all. It is her. Where did that girl I used to be go?

Of all the dreams I have saved, tucked away like old letters for rainy days, I have never wished for anything more than to find that kind of strength I used to have.

I want to be able to smile and laugh and understand that what is meant to be will always find a way. I want to dream as fearlessly as I did before.

And I will, in time. It is getting there that is the hard part.

Love, R

like finally coming home

Dear Soulmate,

It felt like spring for a moment yesterday. I tilted my head back and closed my eyes, bathing in the sun’s warmth. And unable to leave this moment I had found, I realized how long this past winter has been.

Winter’s are always the hardest without you. The long cold nights and annual holiday season celebrations are always a difficult burden to bear when you are alone.

But for a brief moment yesterday, as I sat alone on a park bench, I could feel loneliness drain out of me like an ebbing tide. And in the absence of my lonliness, I simply closed my eyes and lifted my face into the sun hoping to feel something.

It was a bittersweet feeling, too… like finally coming home but to an empty house. But I realize now that it is time to fill the empty spaces with new faces and make new memories and write new stories. It is time to rearrange and find happiness in new places, and not try to reach back into the past to find what is lost.

I miss him every day. I will always miss him, though. I have become used to the feeling, almost numb from feeling too much.

But wherever the road ahead takes me, I will carry with me the knowledge that I don’t always have to go alone.

Love, R

like fireflies

Dear Soulmate,

I went running this morning at sunrise and thought of you. The sun was just beginning to spill out over the Charles and off in the distance I could see planes take off into the radiant glow of dawn. Boston Harbor was soon illuminated with energy and as I ran alongside the water I felt so close to you.

I hope our paths cross soon… because the truth is that I am terribly lonely in your absence. I fill my days with as much laughter and joy, but still, despite how full my life is, I feel empty without you. There is something missing.

And I refuse to settle for anything less than wonderful. Know that I will wait for you- because I believe in that kind of ridiculously inconvenient love that defies everything. I believe in you.

I know that it is difficult, especially in my generation, to believe in the kind of love you read about in old novels. But I still write letters, I still believe in simple things like fireflies, and I believe that real love transcends all generations.

Because if it didn’t, what would there be to life for?

I miss you, R

for a moment

Dear Soulmate,

As I write to you I can see the lights of rush hour traffic move slowly out of the city. The dark blue glow of dusk has settled in the background and another day is almost over.

Times like these I often find myself standing beside my window, looking out to the urban sprawl with crossed arms and wandering eyes. I wonder if I will ever find you.

Times like these remind me of everything he ever said to me. And for a moment I feel like we belong again. For a moment I forgive him for everything. For a moment I wish everything was different- that nothing changed, that we never grew up, that I still believed in things like stars to wish upon.

But there are no stars here in Boston- at least none that I can see from my window. I could wait forever though to find them if I knew my wishes would come true.

Because I still remember everything. I remember the way the moonlight fell upon the ocean, and into his eyes. And I remember how I fell, too.

And the irony about everything…

…is that he never knew any of this.

And now that he has found someone new, everything feels smoothed over- like the past never mattered. Like the next time we will see one another, he will have forgotten how he let me walk away after a lifetime of collecting memories. He will have forgotten about the call he never made when my grandfather passed away.

And I will look at him and smile and say “I’ve been good, thanks,” if he ever asked.

R

to the readers

Dear Soulmate,

I began this blog after my grandfather passed away in the fall. He and I were pen-pals, you see. He was perhaps one of the best writers I knew and I looked forward to the letters and postcards he would send me.

And in the silence that followed his death, the inescapable coldness of winter began to seep into every last corner of summer’s warmth that I tried desperately to save.

I needed comfort. I needed to write to someone. And that is when I decided to write to you- the next chapter in my life.

Although we may have never met I remain confident that we will… that time will fill the empty space with the warmth and laughter that I remember from what felt like a lifetime ago.

And to all the readers who have found comfort and strength in these letters, I cannot thank you enough for your comments and emails. You have made every day a bit brighter and every stride a bit easier.

I have never felt as though anyone has followed me on this blog, but rather that you have been walking beside me on this journey. We have more miles to go but just so you know, I have enjoyed every minute of your company.

Here’s to the road ahead- the best is yet to come.

Cheers and Love, R

i’ll be thinking about you

Dear Soulmate,

I wish I could tell you that it has been easier now- knowing that everyone around me is moving on. I wish I could tell you that I, too, am moving forward into some future where I will find you. But every morning as I get lost in the shuffle of commuters, newspapers, and cups of coffee, the more I feel like I am standing still.

But then I realize, the only person who can change this… is me.

I know things will be easier when the days get longer and the sun shines brighter. Optimism will be easier to find when the oppressive weight of the colder seasons are lifted once and for all.

And in the meantime, I’ll be thinking about you.

I think about all the places I want to go with you… from foreign cities to your own backyard. I think about all the laughs we will share and the dreams we will build together.

When I think of these things I find hope in the most unexpected places. I smile and feel lighter in my steps, knowing all the while that each one is moving me closer to you.

And for anyone who has been hurt and feels broken in places they never thought possible, know that better days will come.

How do I know this?

Because if they didn’t, life would not be worth living?

All my love, R

a letter of hope to the heartbroken

Dear Soulmate,

On Saturday I drove up to Maine to visit a friend at college. Our relationship had suffered a falling out last summer, but she  finally came around, absent of an apology, when one of my grandparents passed away in the fall. Still, it is bittersweet to see people who so easily forget how they hurt you in the past. Regardless, I drove up to see her because I believe in the goodness in her, as I do with most people.

One of the first things she told me was that the love from my past has a girlfriend now… he has never had a girlfriend before in the same way that I have never had a boyfriend. It is difficult to put into words how I felt- too many emotions, to say the very least.

At first I felt a tremendous amount of sadness that he had moved on, and anger that my friend would so casually mention this to me without the expectation that it may hurt me. But then I realized the apparent and incredible distance between me and others who I thought I was close to.

As I drove back to Boston that afternoon I felt similar to Tom Hanks in Cast Away… alone and adrift on a raft out at sea. But I realize now that it’s time to do some rearranging of my own.

This is not to say that my days are suddenly much brighter- I still find it difficult to smile and I have trouble sleeping. I turned off my phone for a few days and snapped at my sister for not empathizing with my situation, and for not feeling for things as deeply as I. But I know now that a huge part of what I am going through is not being able to express my thoughts with others.

The reason my friend so casually mentioned his new girlfriend was not out of spite, it was because she had not known- I had never opened up to her to express how I really felt about things that hurt me. And the love from my past never really knew how I had felt about him either- how much I cared about him, and how much I loved the world through his eyes and wanted to be a part of it. If he did things may have been different.

The lesson I have learned though is one that people can tell you a thousand times, even your own mother, but you do not believe it until you finally experience it for yourself.’

It is cliche but simple: you don’t have to be alone.

I used to find comfort in my isolation… now I find agony. It’s a difficult lesson to learn, but I have always believed that people are the enemy- that they are the ones responsible for my pain and for hurting me. I used to think that I would never be betrayed if I could not trust.

I also used to think that I had to carry the burden of holding onto things… because I feared no one else would. And if no one else would then they would be forgotten. And through all of this I was always afraid that people would somehow be so busy moving on with their own lives, that they would forget about me. And that is how I felt upon learning about my past love’s girlfriend.

But I realize now that this is not the case. I know now that you are responsible for yourself.. and in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

You are stronger than you think and wiser than you believe.

Love, R

p.s. peace, love, breathe, hope

no place for me

Dear Soulmate,

It is difficult to write to you today. It’s hard for me to picture myself happy and in love ever again.

They say that you never forget your first love. The memories, though, get overridden. The damage has already been done. She has already done everything that I did. She has been to all the places where I have been. She already has his heart and he has most likely given her everything in return. He is proud to have her, his first girlfriend.

There is no place for me anymore.

I feel like I am waiting for my next flight out to “move on” … someplace miles away where he can’t hurt me anymore.

Someday you and I will meet. Someday I will laugh again and smile. And I will love you like no one has before. I will overwrite those other loves, and show you know what real love really is. I will show you how powerful it can be, how it can move you to become someone better than you ever thought you could be.

And the distance between us right now is more than a thousand miles and a million words. All we are right now are stangers.

But I am getting closer. Wait for me.

Love, R

cast away

Dear Soulmate,

I feel like Tom Hanks in Cast Away tonight, alone at sea, adrift on a raft, looking up at the stars.

It is really over. And it hurts in a way that you do not even feel pain. After all the anger and frustration subside and all the unanswered questions settle like water in a glass, I am motionless. Finally I am peacefully still.

Truthfully, I feel like part of me has died. I feel like something wonderful has been lost and I worry that the void will never be filled. I used to be afraid that if I did not miss him or feel heartbroken that I would not feel anything at all. Now I know that feeling nothing at all is strangely beautiful.

I ran this morning to try to clear my head. I tried to undo all the moments, all the kisses, all the laughs in the afternoon, all the pieces that used to fit. I tried to pull apart the puzzle… and put it back in its box.

And I did just that.

I took out the letters, the CDs, the mementos, even deleted songs off of my iTunes that had built up over time. Time has a way of collecting memories like dust. But now all my souvenirs of my love have been boxed up and tucked away. And I feel empty now, like a sold house without furniture after its occupants leave.

I wish him the best of everything… I do. The days that follow will not be easy. The nights will be long, I know. And this will all take time. But I am not ashamed to say that I am proud of how far we came- every moonlit drive along the coast, every park bench we sat on in the sun, every morning we spent sipping coffee together.

It was all real. And that means everything to me.

Love, R

almost stopped believing in you

Dear Soulmate,

I almost stopped believing in you today. Almost.

I found out today that the only boy I have ever really loved has found someone new. The first time he told me her name was the last time I have spoken to him. But at the time, so many months ago, I did not think it could have gone any further than a fling or casual relationship.

Turns out, as I learned today, she is his girlfriend now. This would not be such a big deal had he never had a girlfriend before.

And now I feel more alone than I have ever felt before- heartbroken all over again. It is like I take one step forward and two steps back.

The world keeps turning, everyone moves on, and here I am- waiting for a resolution or something that will at least justify why he is in a relationship and I am not.

The only thing that gives me comfort- in this pitifully low moment of sadness- is knowing that maybe someday, I will find you…

Maybe someday.

And so begins more sleepless nights and tears.

Love, R

friday the 13th…

Dear Soulmate,

Friday the 13th proves that it is impossible to make your own luck.

my definition of "good friday" ...i felt this post was in need of some instant happiness. to me this photo says it all.

And to be perfectly honest, I do not have the best of luck. I do not mean this in the grand scope of things, because when I look at my life on the whole, it it more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. In that respect, I am very lucky.

But to those who spend time with me and really know me, it is easy to understand why I believe it is impossible to make your own luck.

If there is a green light, it will quickly turn red upon my approach. If I ask for a french vanilla coffee rather than regular, I end up with a regular. If there is one flight delayed at the airport, it is most likely the one I am scheduled to take. And when it comes to men… well, I will let you make your own judgments.

But I digress. I realize that most of the scenarios I have mentioned above are trivial elements of my day. While some of my friends have pointed out that I have terrible luck, I always shrug it off and tell them I am used to it.

I suppose what people really mean when they say that you make your own luck is that you choose what to make of it.

But today was not one of my best days, and given that it is Friday the 13th, I feel that I have license to blame my lack of good luck on the superstitions of this day.

And if you, too, are feeling glum and out of sorts today, just remember it is what you make of it.  Afterall, it is Friday… it cannot be that bad.

Love, R

p.s. i miss you.

why they call it a crush

Dear Soulmate,

I am in need of a distraction. The best one I suppose would be in the form of a handsome stranger. And the more I think about it, the more Thursday comes to mind. But maybe the reason I am even attracted to him in the first place is because I do not even really know him.

Maybe I have spent too much time making him out to be a wonderful person in my head when I should be taking the time to get to know him instead. Maybe I should simply consider that he could, in fact, be a nice guy, contrary to  my previous experiences with guys.

I suppose what has really kept me from getting to know him better is the idea that if he does not turn out to be who I envisioned then I will  have to deal with that disappointment. And then I will have to start all over again, searching for someone who I am attracted to.

I cannot even tell you why I have become so attracted to him. He has beautiful eyes, of course, but so do a lot of guys. He is from the west coast, which adds to the appeal. He is slightly taller than me which is a plus.

And when I watch romantic movies or see people out on dates together- I think of him and I doing the same. When I picture the arrival of spring in Boston, I picture us walking through the newly bloomed common with cups of coffee, lost in conversation. When I picture going to see a new movie that has just been released in theatres, I picture going there with him.

Even if these outings are only in my head, I can make believe, even if only for a moment, that my heart is full again and that I have never been hurt.

Love, R

nice to meet you- the thought of you

Dear Soulmate,

Spring is almost here. I can hear the birds begin their song in the morning, lingering outside my window long enough to make me believe the weather is warmer but short enough to remind me that it will take its time.

I went for a run along the harbor today. The overcast sky was oppressive and the broken clouds off in the distance told me that the sun would shine once more in time. Still, I wish it had rained.

I wish it had poured, the kind where you sleep in late and watch the sheets of rain casade down the windows while you lay in bed. I remember these mornings. I remember feeling complete and alive, finally realizing how beautiful life can truly be. I remember when even the rain made me happy.

But that was a different time, before I met you or the thought of you.

They say that people will be attracted to you when you are at your happiest. This makes sense of course- it is easy to find happiness attractive in anyone. But I have often found that when I finally reach that state of complete bliss, that someone always has to come along and let me down again. I then find myself with the conflicted decision not to get close to anyone for fear of them destructing my own happiness.

But I realize how selfish that sounds. I also realize that not letting someone in on such counts means risking never finding a greater kind of happiness. And there is no greater happiness than being in love. Or, is there?

Chocolate, perhaps?

Love Always, R

p.s. submit your own letter to your soulmate, what do you have to say?

happily never after.

Dear Soulmate,

I remember my life before you- before I really truly believed in you. And as I look back, it appears to look a lot like settling.

I do not remember the look in his eyes before I walked away- how could I, he never took his sunglasses off. But now I realize, that there was nothing in his eyes that could even look anything like love. And last night, as I lay awake in sleepless thought, I began to think about the last time we saw one another so many months ago.

I can still hear the ocean gently lapping the rocks as the afternoon’s southwesterly breeze stirred the west bay into a frenzy of white sails, fleeting across the horizon in a race. I still remember that feeling of a complete loss of self worth when I realized, in the silence that screamed so loudly between us, that I was not worth the fight.

I was not worth getting angry, or upset over. I was not even worth so much as someone taking off their sunglasses, looking me in the eyes, and telling me I was not enough.

But little did I know that that pivotal moment, when your love hits the ground, would not be the hardest one. The days and months to come would be the time when I would realize that even still, in the age of instant communication via texts, emails and phone calls, I was not even worth an apology.

I suppose that this is where our story begins, dear soulmate. You have given me a reason to believe that I do deserve the very best. And someday I will print all these letters out and tie them together with a ribbon. And then you will know the whole story.

Love, R

what about heartbreak?

Dear Soulmate,

I am sitting at my dining room table sipping some home-brewed Dunkin’ Donuts french vanilla coffee and wrapped in a cashmere scarf. In about an hour or so I will venture out into the cold once more and head to class. But for now I am alone in the company of my books and the thought of all the beautiful opportunities the day may present.

Remember that guy who introduced himself to me a few weeks ago? I saw him again this weekend at another staff meeting. Perhaps I am lonely and still trying to fill a void from my previous experience with love, but for whatever reason,  I have become intriguingly attracted to this guy.

They say to give every one a chance, and that is exactly the philosophy I have adhered to. And it is always at the beginning of a potential relationship where all your doubts and better judgment seem to go freely out the window. Why is that?

Why is it that just after we have learned our lesson in love, we have learned nothing at all?

The most simple answer is that love does not have any rules. They say that men in their early twenties only want one thing. They say that if he does not call after the first date then ‘he’s just not that into you.’ They say that once your heart has broken that you have ‘baggage.’

But enough already- should it be so complicated?

Think for a moment about some one you have been recently admiring. Are they not worth the excitement and mystery of a pursuit?

Just be confident that even if things do not work out, love plays by its own rules. So just enjoy the ride and what will be will be.

Love, R

p.s. we’re missing this week’s “your soulmate, your letter,” have any ideas for next week’s letter?

i miss you

Dear Soulmate,

I miss you. I miss all the time we are losing right now. I miss how every night I sleep alone, without you, and wonder where you are. But maybe this time without one another is a time for us to grow separately into who we want to be, and who we will be.

Know that when I first meet you, you will have already won me over. You will not need to search for all the right words, I will have already heard them. You will have already exceeded all my expectations.

And even if our story goes unwritten for the next few years, know that I have been writing it for some time now. These letters are the beginning of our story, and I cannot wait for you to read them.

During the days when winter seems to last forever, my thoughts often drift to you and I wonder if you ever think of me. Is it possible to think about someone who you have never met? I suppose I am used to it- drafting ficticious characters for novels and making their stories come alive with words.

But when it comes to you, my cursor blinks hesitantly on my screen. I fail to describe you in words. I cannot imagine who you are. How can you describe someone who exceeds your own expectations.

How do you possibly describe your soulmate?

Love, R