21st century… love?

Dear Soulmate,

I’ve learned a lot over the past few years. One thing I’ve learned is to beware of emotional attachment.

I recall when I felt something rare for someone a few years ago who then made me feel punished for doing so. Since then, I do not get involved when deep matters of the heart are concerned.

I’ve learned to convince myself that I live with an open heart, when I know deep down its buried under lock and key, hidden behind a barbed wire fence, and shielded over with a layer of bulletproof steel.

On Saturday night, when I found myself dancing in the arms of an intriguing stranger, I knew that nothing would become of it. I knew that the sun would rise the next day and we would resume our lives as though nothing happened. And as quickly and easily as two trains running on opposite tracks, we would lose touch and forget that we ever passed each other in that fleeting moment in time.

So what’s to be done then, when it comes to playing by the rules of this this 21st century love–if there is even such a thing?

I’ve learned to make the most of every intimate encounter, however brief it may be. I’ve learned to relish the moments when I’m held, cherish the times I’ve been kissed and absolutely be swept away in those moments when I am wholeheartedly wanted by someone, however short that time may be–be it a dance across a porch floor at midnight or a morning in someone’s arms.

Because after all… every lit bit of love is something, is it not?

Love Love, R

p.s. one more week until September’s letter will be chosen… have you written yours in yet? write a letter to your soulmate and e-mail it in to letters2soulmate@gmail.com and yours could be featured in the spotlight on your soulmate, your letter

send it with love…

Dear Soulmate,

I feel like the whole world is about to come alive… in a way I never thought possible. Looking back it is easy for me to see that falling out of love is another stepping stone on this great journey… to find you.

Today I sat on the floor with a cup of coffee and read through three binders of neatly collected love letters. They were in chronological order and organized from the time when my parents first met until the time they were married.

The two people I read about in those letters are not the two people I have known my whole life. I mean this is in the sense that I have never really put much thought into the way they used to feel for each other, when they were younger, and I was not in their lives.

I have to say that I saw me in these letters… at least a part of me. I could relate to the not-knowing-what-is-going-to happen-next kind of feeling that permeates your twenties. It is a roller coaster of a decade. But they had each other. And that was always enough.

Now I am off to find you… on this crazy journey. And though we may not write to one another as often or mail long-distance love with stamps, I am satisfied that I have already begun my letters to you.

Love, R

raising the bar

Dear Soulmate,

The other night I was sitting at a dimly lit bar when an older man called me over. After a brief introduction he proceeded to tell me that the two guys who I was hanging out with were “trash.” I glanced back at my seemingly respectable two guy friends who were not only attractive, but pretty decent company.

I realized though that my two guy friends were in their 20s- a decade that most older men envy for its freedom but regret for its inexperience.

Without explaining to this older stranger that I was not romantically involved with either of my friends, I asked him to justify his awfully presumptuous comment instead.

And he had nothing to say.

Turns out I was right: older men can be just as bad with words as their younger counterparts.

Just as I was about to turn away, discouraged that I had attracted another ‘winner’, this stranger pulled my arm and asked me what I looked for in a guy.

I looked around the bar- at my two good guy friends who I would never consider dating, at the bartender who was shaking a drink, and then at an older couple seated at a candlelit table.

“Love,” I said. It’s that simple.

And to be honest- that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Ridiculous, inconvienient, spontaneous, crazy, passionate, sweep-me-off my feet kind of love. And not the kind of love that fades in the morning light. I’ve already been someone’s someone for a day, a month, a year.

I want that kind of endless love.

So where is he?

Love, R

like fireflies

Dear Soulmate,

I went running this morning at sunrise and thought of you. The sun was just beginning to spill out over the Charles and off in the distance I could see planes take off into the radiant glow of dawn. Boston Harbor was soon illuminated with energy and as I ran alongside the water I felt so close to you.

I hope our paths cross soon… because the truth is that I am terribly lonely in your absence. I fill my days with as much laughter and joy, but still, despite how full my life is, I feel empty without you. There is something missing.

And I refuse to settle for anything less than wonderful. Know that I will wait for you- because I believe in that kind of ridiculously inconvenient love that defies everything. I believe in you.

I know that it is difficult, especially in my generation, to believe in the kind of love you read about in old novels. But I still write letters, I still believe in simple things like fireflies, and I believe that real love transcends all generations.

Because if it didn’t, what would there be to life for?

I miss you, R

beach chairs in boston

Dear Soulmate,

I love Boston in the snow. I feel like I own the city. The streets become sidewalks, and I walk down them I feeling like they have been plowed for me.

Alone in my heavy boots, the city belongs once more to the people who live here. Flights are cancelled, tourists are turned away, and the residents of the city can posess their own piece of shoveled pavement by simply unfolding a beach chair to validate their parking space.

I can hear my breath and even see it against the Custom’s tower and the Garden. The Zakim bridge is nearly empty, only minimal traffic moves cautiously across I-93 before sliding below ground and into the tunnel.

Finally, I feel at home.

Today I remembered why I love this city so much. For the first time in a long time, like seeing an old friend, I felt genuine nostalgia for this city. I remembered all the reasons why I had always returned to Boston- why I had always called it home.

I recalled looking out my plane window and watching the Bunker Hill monument disappear through the clouds, and wishing the plane would turn around. I recalled anytime I heard Boston in casual conversation and how my eyes would light up. I recalled how I felt upon seeing signs for Boston in Hartford, Portland, Concord as I made my way back home.

This feeling is a lot like love- the kind you fall into over and over again, unsure if the last time was really that pivotal moment that changed everything.

This feeling is how I will feel about you- like coming home. And in the quiet of a fresh snowfall I will be able to hear you breathe beside me as we leave footprints behind us in the snow.

Love, R

what about heartbreak?

Dear Soulmate,

I am sitting at my dining room table sipping some home-brewed Dunkin’ Donuts french vanilla coffee and wrapped in a cashmere scarf. In about an hour or so I will venture out into the cold once more and head to class. But for now I am alone in the company of my books and the thought of all the beautiful opportunities the day may present.

Remember that guy who introduced himself to me a few weeks ago? I saw him again this weekend at another staff meeting. Perhaps I am lonely and still trying to fill a void from my previous experience with love, but for whatever reason,  I have become intriguingly attracted to this guy.

They say to give every one a chance, and that is exactly the philosophy I have adhered to. And it is always at the beginning of a potential relationship where all your doubts and better judgment seem to go freely out the window. Why is that?

Why is it that just after we have learned our lesson in love, we have learned nothing at all?

The most simple answer is that love does not have any rules. They say that men in their early twenties only want one thing. They say that if he does not call after the first date then ‘he’s just not that into you.’ They say that once your heart has broken that you have ‘baggage.’

But enough already- should it be so complicated?

Think for a moment about some one you have been recently admiring. Are they not worth the excitement and mystery of a pursuit?

Just be confident that even if things do not work out, love plays by its own rules. So just enjoy the ride and what will be will be.

Love, R

p.s. we’re missing this week’s “your soulmate, your letter,” have any ideas for next week’s letter?

in the in between

Dear Soulmate,

They tell you to move on, but then they say you cannot go looking for love. But my question is, what do you do in the in between?

not everyday is a walk on the beach

No two heartbreaks are ever the same. I have found, from my experience, that hearts rarely break even. There are too many emotions at conflict and people go through different phases.

My journey has been one that has at times left me feeling undeserving of love. There are moments I feel too proud to give  a damn. There are moments I feel angry because of how I let him in. And there are moments of quiet reflection where I am so thankful to have loved like that.

But with all these emotions at conflict, there does not seem to be a linear path of recovery. Sometimes I take two steps forward and five steps back. Other days I awake feeling like I am in a another lifetime, a new one. Then there are sleepless nights spent tossing and turning in denial that my love was not enough.

The in between is all so very bittersweet. Every day is a new challenge and an opportunity. The important thing though is to remember to keep an open mind. With an open mind you may open your heart to the possibility of letting someone else in.

Consider everyday an adventure. With no particular destination, you cannot say that you are lost.

Love, R

a letter to the single ones

Dear Soulmate,

As I walked through the winding streets of the North End yesterday, in a desperate attempt to shield myself from the ever-invasive, unusually strong wind, I noticed a wet page from a newspaper that stubbornly clung to the sidewalk from the melted snowbanks.

The headline read in bold words, “Can’t buy me love.”

the best things in life are free

And that is exactly what I thought about as I made my way home. How silly and pretentious it is to buy roses and chocoloates as a means of saying “I love you.”

From my experiences in love, I have always felt that the most simple and unexpected gestures are always the most meaningful. Recall that feeling of finding one another’s gaze across a crowded room and smiling. Or when, in the middle of the night, you feel their hand pull yours closer toward them to rest it on their chest. Or even when they unexpectedly put their arms around you from behind as you read the mail in the kitchen.

These gestures all say, ‘I love you.’

And now I realize, as I have gotten used to sleeping alone and standing on my own two feet without the expectation of someone walking beside me, that maybe we have got Valentine’s Day all wrong.

It isn’t about a day for lover’s- for they celebrate Valentine’s Day everyday, and they do so in subtle, beautiful ways. Valentine’s Day is a day to remind people that they, too, will find that kind of love. It is a day for the single ones.

And while you cannot go out looking for love, you can at least open your heart to the possibility.

And no, no one can buy your love- it is too expensive.

Love, R

p.s. write your valentine today: “your soulmate, your letter”

“love is a long road”

Dear Soulmate,

You know that feeling when everything is brand new? When you don’t know how many siblings they have, where they go when they want to be alone, what their favorite movies are, or how it took so long to finally find them?

I’m alluding to that beautiful feeling of blind infatuation.

And it’s funny, too, because I have always found comfort in those relationships where I have grown up with the other person. I have stubbornly resisted those people who have only witnessed my life in the one-dimensional, such as only seeing me in my school-life, for example. For some reason that I can only attribute this habit to the fact that I am a romantic and refuse to let go of my past, even at the expense of meeting new people who may become my future.

But when you involuntarily develop intrigue for another person, all rules seem to get broken. You find yourself looking ahead, dreaming, wondering what may become of your newfound love interest. And this is a beautifully enchanting outlook.

So for the first time, in a long time, I have found myself looking ahead with optimism rather than dwell in the shadows of my past where love took different turns and led to changes of heart. And the difference between either direction feels like lifetimes.

The road ahead looks sunny, the kind of road that is periodically splashed by the shadows of trees whose summer canopy’s shade the road. It is the kind of road you just want to drive with all the window’s down and the radio turned up to your favorite song.

It is the kind of road that you envison yourself driving while your lover sits beside you, just enjoying the ride.

Love, R

sweep me off my feet

Dear Soulmate,

You never know when love will find you, so it doesn’t hurt to be on your toes. But then again, they say it creeps up when you least expect it. This is perhaps where the whole “sweep you off your feet” idea came into being.

As I walked the sun-drenched streets of Boston yesterday, basking in what felt like a clear sign of early spring, I could not help but feel alive and energized. The night that had promised me so many beautiful dreams had only let me down. But that was in the past now. A new day had already begun, and with it a came a new feeling of self-worth and appreciation.

I won’t lie, I think I have developed a mild infatuation with this guy who goes to my school. I will call him ‘Thursday’ simply because that is when he first introduced himself to me at one of our weekly meetings. And to be honest, it has been so long since I have had a crush on someone that everything feels new and exciting all over again.

I always refer to this stage as ‘pre-love,’ but what it really is is a mezmorizing period of uncertainties. It is like solving an impossibly difficult math problem with too many unknown variables. But unlike my relationship with math, this kind of problem is far more intriguing.

You know that feeling where suddenly you become concious of yourself? When suddenly you wonder if you are standing upright, if your legs are crossed the right way, if your hair is positioned just how you like it? You know that pivotal moment when you can feel the uncertainty of where to place your hands and how to articulate your thoughts?

For the first time in a long time I felt that feeling- that nervous first impression stage where you so desperately want to be noticed, but at the same time want to remain anonymous, quietly observing the beauty of your surroundings.

I walked home under the most dazzling azure winter sky last night. The pale glow from the sun still burned in the west as the opposite horizon remained quiet, bathed in deeper shade of blue and reflected over the Charles River with the same color.  

I could feel love come at me from all directions- although not entirely sure from where.

Love, R

when he walked into my dreams

Dear Soulmate,

I’m sitting in one of my favorite chairs, sipping tea and am surrounded by a stack of work and projects that demand completion. I have yet to read the Sunday paper- the delay mainly attributed to the fact that I  slept in late for perhaps the first time all year. But I figure it’s the weekend and there is no better time to indulge in good things such as rest and relaxation than on a Sunday morning.

Last night I had the most unusual dream. I dreamt I reunited with the boy who has haunted me in so many unimaginable ways since we took separate roads so many months ago. And last night he returned, asking me back, like he had done so many times before in real life. But his actions were unusual, even for a dream.

All the times I have dreamt about him in the past he has been unresponsive, never acknowledging my presence, always subjecting me to the cold shoulder that leaves me to wake up feeling hurt and conflicted.

But last night when he walked into my dreams, he did not steal the best of me as he usually does. Instead he wanted me, and was begging me to reconcile. And rather than give in, I just stood there and told him it was too late. The damage had already been done and there was no way we could go back to the way we were.

And as much as I wanted to take him back, even concious that I was in a dreamlike state as your mind will sometimes remind you of, I did not even want to go back there. Not even in a dream, where there are no consequences to your actions.

It’s time to move on to other things. It’s a new month afterall. And so I urge you to do the same, and keep in mind one of my most favorite quotes: “You do your thing, I’ll do mine. And if in the end we end up together, it’s beautiful.”

Love, R

on top of the world

Dear Soulmate,

How do you forget the way it felt to kiss someone, to touch them, to love them? When do you wake up and forget the way it used to be when your life felt complete and whole, a perfect harmony of happiness and bliss?

How do you forget the way it felt to be on top of the world?

Probably the worst advice that has ever been given by anyone is “move on.” The words slip so easily from the mouths of those we love, even the mouths of those who we’ve kissed in the most intimate of moments. But what happens when someone you have been so completely in love with, tells you to “move on”

Where to, I might ask?

Cold Sunday mornings like today make me wake feeling discomforted by the fact that I have simply gotten used to being out of that kind of beautifully wholesome love. What people really mean when they say, “move on,” is simply just don’t look back. The moment you look behind at how good you once felt in your past is the moment where the present feels incomplete.

So without looking back I get through the days, looking ahead to you instead. But still I cannot forget where I’ve been.

And I wonder still, is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

All my love, R

p.s. share the love

life is good

Dear Soulmate,

If you’re single, embrace it. If you’re in a relationship, embrace that too. The key to both situations is to stay in love. Think of how dull life would be if you woke up with nothing to love, nothing to strive for.

This Monday morning Boston looked tired. Its streets were slicked with ice and a gray overcast that hung over the skyline like a shield hiding any traces of a more beautiful day. But still, the day looked promising and alive.

Imagine how unapproachable and boring the city would be without the kind of energy that love inspires. While today’s lethargic winter weather is most conducive to melancholy, I refuse to fall under its spell.

It’s normal though to go through ups and downs- life is like that. But it’s also really easy to feel lonely, forgotten and unworthy.

If today has found you feeling blue, just remember that things will change. You never know who you will meet, what you will find and you may be surprised to learn that the best is yet to come.

If all else fails, turn the radio up and slide across hardwood floors in your socks. It’s okay to dance like no one’s watching, even when they are.

Love, R

timeless

Dear Soulmate,

Rainy, mildly warm days like today make me want to stroll through art galleries and museums- or at least wish I had the time for such endeavors.

It’s always amusing how the end of the year turns into a frantic shuffle- like we are all trying to pack the rest of 2008 into a few jumbled weeks of running errands and making sure we find that perfect gift for everyone who made our year so special.

The end of the year for me is more of a quiet time, a reflective time.

Because a lot goes on in a year that no one really remembers until it’s over.

Picture your new year’s resolution, your birthday, where you went for valentine’s day, or even that perfectly wonderful, ordinary day where everything fell into the right place. Where were you when spring shifted into summer? Do you remember the conversation with an old friend that made you laugh and made you think how grateful you are to have them in your life? Think back to the telephone calls, the e-mails, the letters you may have not expected to arrive in your mailbox, addressed to you.

In all of this, I bet you remember love.

Because it’s timeless.

I hope that as the year draws to a close that you remember more than just the holidays- that you remember everything so that you may look back on 2008 with fondness and recall all the wonderful things, however great or small, that made your year truly spectacular.

Love, R