what you have over your ex’s new love

Dear Soulmate,

I once read that any kind of great love can never end well. I thought about this yesterday afternoon as I walked home from one of my favorite neighborhood oyster bars. I was tangled up in my own thoughts, consumed and confused by the notion that someone who doesn’t even know me, hates me.

I’m talking about when your ex’s new love interest despises you for no other reason than your history with that person. I shouldn’t have let it bother me, but it did.

I crossed over 6th Ave and continued on in the direction of my apartment. What difference had it made that I had been part of his past? There’s a reason why I’m not in his future. And after all, it wasn’t my decision in the first place.

But no matter how many blocks I tried to reason with someone who has never even talked to me, I began to think about how I felt the first time I heard about my current lover’s ex. And he has more than one at that.

Having never met her, I know her name, her height, her hair color, and where she’s from. I’m usually one to stand by my motto that ignorance is bliss when it comes to exes but I was curious about this one. They had dated for 5 years, on and off. She was, as anyone who has spent that amount of time with someone, a big part of his life.

When I finally saw his apartment for the first time, she was everywhere.

The entire refrigerator was a collage of their relationship–as if it was a play-by-play into their lives, together. Matching football jerseys, family Christmas parties, Halloween costumes–every relationship milestone was there, staring right back at me. And all I could see was friendship and love.

And, she was beautiful.

My heart sank at all the pictures, the memorabilia, the clutter of her things that she left behind when she moved out.

But what did she have over me?

Time.

That was all.

She had five beautiful years with him–something that may or may not happen for me.

And so that’s all I have over my ex’s new love. Time. We shared a lot of beautiful moments together, in our time.

And that’s the thing about love–there’s never enough time to spend with someone when you love them that much.

Love Love, R

i wish i had a river i could skate away on

Dear Soulmate,

Sometimes I feel like Joni Mitchell’s “River” says all there needs to be said about winter. I’m watching the snow twirl around outside my bedroom window and feeling so homesick for summer, a time when the world was alive and in bloom. Now, all is quiet, silenced under the weight of freshly fallen snow that buries the tracks of summers barefoot steps.

On gray days like these in Boston, I feel like Joni Mitchell when I say that I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

I close my eyes and remember little moments, little memories of love. I remember the way his hands felt in mine, how they fit so beautifully as through they were made for each other. I remember the way he introduced me by my full name to his father. I blushed and smiled.

I remember the way we painted his mother’s shed. I stood in his clothes covered with splotches of white paint on my tanned bare arms and legs. I laughed as we drove to the lake in the afternoon heat. I watched him dive headfirst from the rocky cliff into the water below. I stood in my bathing suit with my hands on my hips, hesitant about jumping into water whose depth seemed uncertain. Still, I dove in anyway, testing the waters. When I surfaced we both laughed and he pulled me toward him under the water.

When I write, he comes back to me. Little moments like these held in time. It’s all I can ask for on days like these when I only wish I had a river I could skate away on… and be brought back to you.

Love Love, R

holiday overload?

Dear Soulmate,

What is it about the holidays that makes people feel compelled to compete for the most spirit as if it were a contest? With so many traditions, is it necessary to complete them all? The most obvious answer is no.

Call me the Grinch or a Scrooge but my idea of Christmas is not wrapped in shiny paper nor muddled in all the chaos of the traditions.

From gingerbread houses, decorated trees, egg nog recipes, advent calendars, neighborhood caroling, staged mistletoe, holiday cards, to gift exchanging have we all lost sight of what we’re really celebrating?

I always find myself in the same position every year–standing in a crowding room filled with family and wondering if next year it will be different. Is it wrong to want to be with someone you love during the holidays? I think not.

While I’m never shy of grateful for being in the presence of family and friends, why does it always feel like somethings missing when it comes down to hanging the garland and stringing lights?

The simplest answer is that the holiday season is genuinely about love–Valentine’s Day on steroids, rather.

The truth is, I miss you. Wherever you may be. Christmas will never be Christmas without you.

Love Love, R

if you believe everything happens for a reason

Dear Soulmate,

Do you believe in fate? If you believe that everything happens for a reason then you spend the majority of your life steered in a direction that’s dictated solely on the premise of it wasn’t meant to be, or it was meant to be.

I’ve failed countless times in my life. In most instances I’ve picked myself up and kept walking, though I might have changed my direction slightly. When it comes to trying the same course over and over, only to fail on repeated attempts, at what point do we say enough is enough?

To put in perspective, I looked at apartments in Boston during the spring. I found one that I liked and made an offer. The offer was declined and I gracefully accepted the defeat as a sign that Boston wasn’t meant to be. I tried New York–where I set my heart on two apartments whose offers both didn’t go through. Now I’m back to square one, left feeling sad and defeated–wondering if I should continue my pursuit to live in New York, or take this week’s experience as a sign to move in another direction.

Maybe it’s selfish to want a cozy apartment in New York City, to want the job that doesn’t necessarily better those around you but adds definition to your own life. Maybe it’s not the path for me.

All I’ve known my whole life is to give, because I’ve been given so much that it only seems natural to help those around me. Who knows what will be in these next few months, or where I will find myself… but one thing is certain, I’ll always be in love… and never will I ever give that up.

Love Love, R

on a bedside table

Dear Soulmate,

It’s midnight in Boston and I can’t sleep. Whenever sleep is reluctant to find me, I usually open my journal or my laptop and begin writing. My grandmother once told me that everyone should sleep with a notebook and pen on their bedside table so that when they wake up they can recount their dreams in writing. I have always found it a nice notion, although rarely ever have I put it into practice.

But tonight I feel like I’m dreaming awake as it has been an exciting past few days. I signed the lease on my first apartment in New York City. It’s small but practical. Already I have begun packing a box of miscellaneous treasures–sea glass, old vases, picture frames and white wooden letters that spell out SAIL when placed accordingly on the wall.

It’s a small space, but it is my own. I have a place in the world now, an address to call mine. It’s not much, one would argue, but it’s something.

Besides, if one had it all, what would they write in their journal on their bedside table?

Love Love, R

christmas lights

Dear Soulmate,

These days I see people hanging lights up on trees lining busy sidewalks, or on wreaths outside front doors, and sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one who wishes they were taking them down and putting them away.

Although Boston sparkles in the fading daylight with its ornately decorated trees, all I see is the glimmer and glamour of the kind of magic that can’t last.

I remember the way he held me last summer and the words he said as I stood in his driveway crying before I drove back down to Boston. He said New York would work, and that I’d be great there. Now, nearly four months later, I’m not so sure. I told him to try to keep in touch from South America and New Zealand, although I’m learning now how wrong I was in my assumption that he would.

So now I’m going down to New York again this weekend, but will be shifting my apartment search into sixth gear. I won’t be returning to Boston until I’ve signed a lease.

I realize though, that nothing lasts. Every year I find myself searching Christmas lights for the kind of warmth that held me from season’s passed. But I know now that months pass, years go by, and lights get put up as quickly as they get taken down.

So now, I’m going to go where the lights are always shining, and I can lose myself in the belief that everything is wonderful and bright, as it should be this time of year.

Love Love, R

dreaming by the fire

Dear Soulmate,

A glass of wine, a roaring fire and the glow of Christmas lights from the wreath hung above the mantle describes my  most ideal way to unwind on a cold Saturday night.

under the glow of the moon

Truthfully,  I am still exhausted from such a long week. I am still keeping up with e-mails and such but I know that after I write to you that I will close my laptop and set it on the table, where it will hopefully remain in solitude for the next few hours- just like me.

I hope this evening finds you well. I am thinking of you, as always. You know those seemingly nagging people who always tell you that you can’t go back? They are almost as inescapable as those people from your past who you reconsider reuniting with just for the sake of being wanted or needed again.

I had a dream last night about a boy who I dated briefly during high school. I have not thought about him in years, but I do remember how well he treated me. I cannot recall what went wrong, or what prompted our time to end.

If you believe that everything happens for a reason then you have probably saved yourself from otherwise agonizing hours of analyzing all the avenues of “what -ifs” and “what could have beens.”

For now though, to spare myself of the complications of opening up my high school yearbook and turning the pages of time, I will simply sit here and long for you.

If you were here, I would tell you to put another log on the fire and pour yourself a glass of wine.

Outside the glow of the waning full moon would fall across the staircase, leading us from the warmth of the fire elsewhere.

All my love, R

friday night shuffle

Dear Soulmate,

What do Fridays mean to you?

Do you like to unwind after a long week at a bar, at home or somewhere difficult to get to that requires a long distance drive?

In a recent news report I read how people’s personalities can be broken down simply by the things they Google. I figure that people’s typical Friday night plans perhaps reveal the same about them.

Even when I don’t go out on a Friday, there is enough energy around me to make me feel that I have. Traffic streams into the city, pouring into the one-way streets and melding into strips of red and white lights down the city’s more busier routes.

With the holidays quickly approaching, the incentive to see Boston in all its seasonal decor only heightens.

It is easy to get lost in the busy shuffle of people coming and going, like standing in a crowded airport terminal.

Sometimes just walking through the city at this time of year on Friday nights feel very much like Christmas eve. There is a hint of promise and excitement that hangs off the bare tree branches, threaded with strings of dazzling lights. There is something optimistic in the way skaters glide around the common’ s rink, moving together in the same circular direction.

It’s comforting to say the least- like seeing an old friend again. And it’s a lot like being in love.

Finally, as I sit here and write to you,  the sun has finally poured its rays onto the rain slicked streets. After days of being blanketed by a drenching rain and dark clouds, its long overdue appearance is most definitely welcomed.

I hope you have a wonderful Friday, whatever your plans may be. If I don’t see you then just know that I always wish you the best of everything in the world.

Love, R

falling for a mysterious stranger

Dear Soulmate,

The Christmas tree in Faneuil Hall was lit Saturday night. It glowed warmly, adorned with hanging bells and thoughtfully placed red bows whose ribbons shined against the glittering lights. Pictures were taken while lovers embraced beneath its sweeping branches. I looked up at the tree and only saw you.

Later I found myself at a nearby bar where my wandering eyes caught a mysterious stranger who appeared to be looking in my direction. After several casual glances we stole from one another in acknowledgment of this newly found chemistry, the crowd shifted and I lost sight of him. I was reminded of this handsome stranger whose foreign accent drifted over the sea of voices when he suddenly tripped over my boot.

He smiled politely and apologized, but what I wanted to say was thank you.

The simple exhange of a few words with an alluring stranger was enough to make me forget about the unforgiving cold night outside and instead infused my mind with warmth and happiness.

The holidays are a terribly lonely time when you long for this kind of love. Everything from mistletoe to the dazzling display of lit wreaths can make you feel anything but comforted. It is always during the holdays that I look forward to the next season, because maybe perhaps then I will have someone special to share it with.

Although the mysterious stranger who tripped over my shoe may not have been my soulmate, at least I know I am getting warmer.

Love, R

someday

Dear Soulmate,

They put up the Christmas tree in Faneuil Hall. It’s beautiful.

It reminds me of you.

What I love most about when the weather gets colder is how wonderful the streets of Boston become, glittered in lights and warmed by the overhead awnings of glamorous hotel entrances.

I walked across the steps of the public library today and felt a feeling of promise and contentment, like I had all the world to gain. You know those completely blissful moments when you feel as though you are living in an catchy upbeat movie montage? I felt like that today as my eyes mysteriously wandered, searching the city streets for you.

By the late afternoon I watched the subway cars empty passengers out onto the platform of the station as I waited for my train. Everyone was moving, going somewhere, going someplace. You, too, may have been moving in the stream of commuters, but I would have found you.

Instead I boarded the next train with only the thought of you.

Someday, I thought. Someday.

Love, R