Dear Soulmate,
It was the first time he left in a fight and I didn’t look back. I could hear the door open. I stood in front of my kitchen counter and pretended to be fixated on making eggs when all I wanted to do was turn around and see if he was looking at me as he left.
But I couldn’t feel his eyes on me so I didn’t. Instead I could only feel the heaviness of what just happened, and what never did.
When someone you love lets you down, does it ever bring you back to those old feelings of being let down by someone from your past? And then you realize with impeccible clarity that they’re in your past becasue you got tired of feeling let down.
You got tired of waiting for the phone calls that never came. You got tired of going to bed alone when he promised he’d come over. You get tired of all the empty promises.
And that’s when you move on.
But what happens when you’re tired of being let down but not quite ready to move on—that delicate equilibrium where you feel your world is balancing ever so gently, and a simple sway in either direction may throw it off.
He hasn’t called today. I called him twice and got voicemail. He was the first one to teach me not to be passive when it comes to my feelings. Whenever I’ve been hurt by those I’m closest to, I ignore it. I don’t call them. I become some detached version of myself—someone who admits to being “fine” or even great when everything feels exactly the opposite.
But I called him because I wanted to try to reconcile.
And now I wonder how anyone keeps love from falling apart.
After I got his voicemail for the second time, I realized I wasn’t ready to move on, or give up quite yet.
So how do you keep love from falling apart?
You keep it.
You let it change you, with its doubts and all, but you never give up on it if it’s real.
Love Love, R
